I just can’t read you anymore. At first you were cool, but now you’re a @!#$% dork. There have been tons of national events in the news... And you just ignore them… You're all busy writing about your stupid dog and @#$%.
Sometimes I just want to say, “Nobody cares about your dumb dog!”
I dare you to write me back,
AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR SEAN OF THE SOUTH
DEAR AIN’T NOBODY:
I don’t do well with dares. In the fourth grade, I was double-dog dared to stand on a ladder and pee over the hood of my friend’s daddy’s Oldsmobile.
I didn’t have enough back-pressure in my nine-year-old bladder to clear the hood. My friend’s daddy nearly had a heart attack.
My mama made me peel potatoes until I was thirty.
Anyway, I just read your letter aloud to Ellie Mae. I wish you could've seen her face. She’s crushed. She wears her feelings on her collar, you know.
Today, Ellie Mae woke earlier than normal.
Most often, she rises at the crack of noon. This morning, she woke at 5 A.M. because of a persistent ear infection.
I’ve taken her to the vet six times in the last five months. I took her yesterday.
You’ll be thrilled to know the vet says her ears are getting better. He also says that her problem is just part of having long, floppy, magnificent, voluptuous, comely, silken, ears.
Then, he rubbed her belly and said, “I think Ellie is one of my favorite patients.”
A remark like that deserves celebration. I took Ellie to Pet Smart as a reward. She sniffed a few employee hindparts, then made friends with a Corgie named Jim.