I am on a radio show. I’m sitting in a studio, waiting to talk about my most recent book, like real authors do. I am wearing headphones. There is a microphone in front of me. The producer gives us the count down:
“Aaaannnd we’re on in five, four, three, two...”
He points.
—PEPPY INTRO MUSIC FOR MORNING SHOW—
RADIO HOST: Hi, you’re listening to WKXPRHZBXC, your home for soft rock favorites and non-stop continuous Michael Bolton ballads. I’m your highly caffeinated morning-show host, Morning Man Larry, and I’m crazy! With a capital K! Our guest today is author Shane Deeters. Shane, thanks for being with us.
ME: My name’s actually Sean Dietrich. But thank you for having me, Larry.
HOST: Don’t mention it. Now, I’m holding a copy of my guest’s newest book, and I wanna tell you, folks, this looks exactly like a real book. It has an actual spine and a dust cover and pages and everything. Trust me. I have seen some books in my day, but this is definitely one of them. Please, tell our listeners a little bit about your book,
Shane.
ME: Well, as I say, my name is Sean, and the book is a story about my—
HOST: How long did it take to write this particular book?
ME: I was trying to answer your first question—
HOST: And how many years, approximately, have you been writing books?
ME: Well, I—
HOST: How many books do you have?
ME: Uh, let’s see—
HOST: When did you first fall in love? What’s your middle name? Where is Fiji? What is a granivorous ornithologist?
ME: I’m sorry, which question am I supposed to be answering?
HOST: So anyway, you know what I think? I think writing is a very noble process. Don’t you agree, Shane? Can I call you Shane?
ME: I don’t know why anyone would.
HOST: Funny story, Shane, I wrote a book…