Please, Lord. Give me something in black-and-white. I love old movies.

I am in a hotel with seven hundred cable channels. I turn on the television. It’s been awhile since I’ve actually watched TV. I’m in the mood for something good. Maybe an old movie, or something with Aunt Bee in it.

CLICK.

“…For tuning into Channel Five News, I’m Bobby McBobberson, I hope you’re having a fantastic evening. A nuclear explosion went off in…”

Flip.

“…You filthy piece of @^%&*ing Spam, (BANG! BANG!) I oughta shoot you three more times just because this is cable TV… (BANG! BANG! BANG!)”

Flip, flip, flip.

Young man in cowboy hat, holding microphone, singing:

“…COLD BEER, PICKUP TRUCKS, HEEEYYY GIRL
COLD BEER, PICKUP TRUCKS, HEEEYYY GIRL,
COLD BEER, PICKUP TRUCKS, HEEEYYY GIRL,
WELLA, WELLA, I SAY A COLD BEER…”

Flip.

“…And VOILA! You can’t even SEE my cellulite! Can you? Magi-Cream removes all traces of wrinkles, unsightly worry lines, and the years emotional damage from my first marriage…”

Flip.

“…The embarrassment of plantar fasciitis disorder used to be so bad, it impeded the quality of daily living, it made me suffer clinical depression, and I was isolated from my kids, my family, my friends, and the JCPenney’s activewear model who plays the part of my husband in this commercial. But then my doctor prescribed Belvacore®…”

Flip.

“…at Channel Five we’re covering the nuclear incident, it’s very bad. VERY bad. We don’t know what’s happening. But it’s VERY bad. And we want to stress the world ‘NUCLEAR’ as often as we can. Channel Five is live on the VERY bad scene…”

Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip.

“…JEEEEEE-ZUSSSSS cometh with all his angels, and will judgeth the quick and the dead. And THIS is why we NEEDETH your financial support. For FIVE EASY love gifts of $19.99 you TOO can experience…”

Flip, flip.

“…COLD BEER, PICKUP TRUCKS, HEEEYYY GIRL
COLD BEER, PICKUP TRUCKS, HEEEYYY GIRL,
COLD BEER, PICKUP TRUCKS, HEEEYYY GIRL,
WELLA, WELLA, COLD BEER…”

Flip.

“…Nothing has revitalized my life like Magi-Cream. Nothing! I used to wake up feeling stiff, swollen, lethargic, and I didn’t know where life was going, and my ex-husband was a constipated jerk whistle…”

Flip, flip.

Something in black-and-white. Hallelujah. I love old movies.

“… Danke für die Erinnerungen, Papa, du bist mein Lieblingsvater, und ich bin dein Lieblingssohn, und Mama ist manchmal unsere Lieblingsmutter…”

Flip, flip, flip.

“…At Channel Five, we’re telling people to take shelter, it’s VERY bad. VERY BAD. You owe it to your fellow man to be VERY afraid, experts say it’s only a minor incident, but… ”

Flip.

“…Belvacore® is not for everyone, and should not be taken by adults, children, mothers, fathers, anyone with adult teeth, elderly people, or certain species of mammals with opposable thumbs. Belvacore® was tested safe for most humans, but might cause immediate liver failure, internal bleeding, heart attacks in minors, sudden interest in politics…”

Flip.

“…If JEEEEE-ZUSSSS can suffer on a tree with a sacred pierced side, the VERY LEAST his steadfast children can do is dig into their God-forsaken wallets and give a LOVE GIFT of $19.99…”

Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip.

“…You know what, Doctor Phil? Screw you! SCREW you, Doctor Phil. You and your little…”

Flip.

“…COLD BEER, PICKUP TRUCKS, HEEEYYY GIRL
COLD BEER, PICKUP TRUCKS, HEEEYYY GIRL,
COLD BEER, PICKUP TRUCKS, HEEEYYY GIRL,
WELLA, WELLA, I SAY A COLD BEER…”

Flip.

“… Bloating of the stomach, swelling of the corneas, disintegration of the lungs, red mange, suicidal tendencies, bones like peanut brittle, tendon snapping, spontaneous combustion, brain seizures, green eyeball puss…”

Flip.

“…Chopper Five is standing by to keep you updated on HOW BAD the situation might…”

Flip, flip, flip.

“…COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD BEEEEERRRRRRRRR…”

Flip.

“…Loss of consciousness, burning sensation in the pancreas, eyeballs, groin region, dry mouth, loosened— almost tomato-juice-like
—stools, fatigue…”

Flip.

“VERY BAD. In fact, we’re STUNNED, here at Channel Five, officially STUNNED, so stunned at how BAD it…”

Flip. Flip.

“…COOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDD BEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR, PICKUP TRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS…”

Flip, flip, flip.

“…Magi-Cream made me feel like a woman again, it gave me a glow, and turned my flabby arms into rock-hard pythons so that I could tear apart my ex-husband with my bare…”

Flip, flip.

“…Hives, swelling of the throat, knee pain, ruptured muscles in the abdomen, loss of cerebral function, long-term comas, fainting, unexplained attraction toward golf…”

Flip.

“…COLD COLD BEEEER, PICKUP TRUCKS…”

Flip. Flip.

“…The Lord SEES you, and knows where you keepeth your money. He will tracketh you down, and take your $19.99 LOVE GIFT, if thou refuse…”

CLICK.

I miss Andy Griffith.

47 comments

  1. Susan Parker - August 3, 2018 5:58 am

    Laughed til the tears came! This is why I have DVDs, Netflix, Hulu, and interesting book. What you experienced with cable is the same as I experience without it, only I get more languages. None of which I speak or understand. That, and the cooking shows where they take a good recipe and make it healthy….thus ruining it, and brag about all the colors in the food, lol!

    Reply
  2. Sandi in FL. - August 3, 2018 6:05 am

    You described it well, Sean. This is one of the reasons I have not had cable TV since 2010. Plus, I save about $1,300 a year with my own digital converter box, which I bought for a very reasonable one-time price of $49 at Wal-mart. Seventeen channels is plenty for me, includes all the major networks and no cable bill ever!.

    Reply
  3. MyPlace - August 3, 2018 6:58 am

    “I miss Andy Griffith”…. So do I, Sean… So Do I.

    Reply
  4. Rachel Olson - August 3, 2018 8:06 am

    You nailed it so well! Especially those drug side effects 😂

    Reply
  5. John - August 3, 2018 8:14 am

    AM radio.

    Reply
  6. Howard Foye Yeager Jr - August 3, 2018 8:30 am

    Funniest thing I’ve read in a long, long time. Except for the fact that it’s true!! And also the reason I watch almost nothing on TV. And radio isn’t exempt either. I was a rock radio listener until the brainless disco crap struck. Switched to country then. Now country is going into the equivalent of disco! I’ll just listen to, and watch sports events at collegiate level and below!!

    Reply
  7. Marcia Zuhlke - August 3, 2018 9:11 am

    So I read this at 4:30 am because I couldn’t fall back asleep. Probably not the best idea ( since I didn’t want to wake hubby) as I did not expect to get stomach cramps from trying not to burst out in hysterics from your channel surfing.
    This was your funniest post ever and so true as to what’s on TV today. The preacher insisting on donations and horrific side effects from meds had the mattress shaking. ( stools like tomato juice!)😂😂😂😂. I will read again later when I can laugh as loud as I want. Thanks for starting my day off cracking up PLUS an an workout!!

    Reply
  8. Edna B. - August 3, 2018 9:24 am

    Yup, this is why I’m looking to get rid of cable too. I only watch a few channels, but it is wicked expensive. There’s so much violence and junk on the TV. I miss the days when we would sit around and listen to all our favorite shows on the radio. You have a wonderful day Sean, hugs, Edna B.

    Reply
  9. Allyson Miley - August 3, 2018 9:56 am

    Dr. Pol …. you will like him!! I promise!

    Reply
  10. Barbara - August 3, 2018 10:04 am

    I Do Too!!!

    Reply
  11. Jeanne Butler - August 3, 2018 10:13 am

    So true. So sad. Loved what you wrote

    Reply
  12. GaryD - August 3, 2018 10:20 am

    Old radio shows on my iphone. Enough said😀

    Reply
  13. Sandra Smith - August 3, 2018 10:37 am

    What’s worse is having to pay outta your eyeballs for it too !
    My husband insists !
    I read books !

    Reply
  14. Donna Gulliver - August 3, 2018 10:59 am

    You hit the nail on the head with this one! This is why we recently dumped most of the cable service, except for a few “choice” ones. I would rather read or listen to good music than watch most of what is on TV. Thanks for entertaining us–laughed my way through it! Your column is a good start to every day!

    Reply
  15. Ann - August 3, 2018 11:05 am

    Now I know who writes the drug product commercials – and “new country” song lyrics! Thank you for starting my day with a good laugh. 😀

    Reply
  16. Janet Williams - August 3, 2018 11:13 am

    Yes, don’t we all!

    Reply
  17. Gale Smith - August 3, 2018 11:14 am

    I would rather watch clothes turning in the dryer at a laundry mat than watch tv…..that’s why I disconnected my cable 3 years ago. For years prior to rhat, I only watched The Weather Channel, and only if there was a hurricane in the Gulf. I get the weather on my phone, and spend my time reading. Not nearly as stressed as I once was, and I am a whiz at crossword puzzles. Also, enjoy quality time with my dog and family and friends now. Free of the idiot box!

    Reply
  18. LeAnne Martin - August 3, 2018 11:33 am

    Ha! It’s hard to choose a favorite channel. Thanks for making me laugh so early in the morning. Not many people can do that. 🙂

    Reply
  19. Cathi - August 3, 2018 11:43 am

    I watch it as often as possible.

    Reply
  20. Dianne - August 3, 2018 11:52 am

    So funny, Sean, but accurate about cable TV viewing. Boring, boring, boring. And, I miss Andy Griffith and Barney, too!!

    Reply
  21. Jo Ann - August 3, 2018 12:01 pm

    Sounds like us! We watch Animal Planet, some HGTV shows, & baseball. At least there are some channels that carry the old shows, when entertainment was entertaining & comedies were funny.

    Reply
  22. Martha Tubb - August 3, 2018 12:02 pm

    Amen !!

    Reply
  23. Jack Darnell - August 3, 2018 12:21 pm

    Okay I finally decided to join the “Me Too” crowd. so Me too!

    Reply
  24. Barbara Pope - August 3, 2018 12:29 pm

    I miss just 3 local channels with real shows–TV has gone to the dogs!

    Reply
  25. Joy - August 3, 2018 12:32 pm

    I too like Andy…and so glad we have ME TV as he is on every evening!

    Reply
  26. Caroline Wright - August 3, 2018 12:37 pm

    Hysterical , made my day 😊

    Reply
  27. Rhonda Howell - August 3, 2018 12:41 pm

    Three years without cable and we are still alive! Desperate for some snagglepuss and huckleberry hound. Where are Hoss and Ben and men with character and compassion! Miss Kitty was a bar maid and still had more class than 5 generations of the Kardashians. Remember when Dale Looked at Roy and said “Don’t shoot him Roy you might hurt him”. Remember when hero’s didn’t cuss. Remember when Lassie wanted to come home instead of run away…. And Rin Tin Tin was proud to be a dog and the biggest bad guy in town was El Kabong.

    Now its endless enhancement commercials and cartoons based on a sponge. A perverted sponge.

    Turn it off Sean! Turn it off!

    Reply
  28. PEGGY - August 3, 2018 12:58 pm

    Me too

    Reply
  29. cronkitesue - August 3, 2018 1:23 pm

    Wasn’t Aunt Bea short for Beatrice? Bea, instead of Bee? You certainly illustrated why I don’t watch much TV. Mostly the weather, and reruns of Andy Griffith shows. You want sickening, watch the news.

    Reply
  30. Lorna Bramley - August 3, 2018 1:24 pm

    Here in the UK it is just as bad…I’m with the me too crowd!

    Reply
  31. Jamie - August 3, 2018 2:04 pm

    If only there was a way to type my chuckles and snickering…

    Reply
  32. Jane Vaught - August 3, 2018 2:23 pm

    And that’s why ‘God’ created Netflix ..

    Reply
  33. Beverly Wilburn - August 3, 2018 3:03 pm

    Amen! Watch “Andy Griffith” every morning beginning at 8:00! Isn’t it nice when once upon a time it was important that Ms. Peterson’s Fluffy was on the roof again? Enjoy reading you every morning!

    Reply
  34. Jack Quanstrum - August 3, 2018 3:07 pm

    I agree. Trash is overflowing on TV. My favorite was Gunsmoke and Have gun will travel. Palidine! Not sure about the spelling.

    Reply
  35. Sharon Hand - August 3, 2018 3:40 pm

    The only thing that cable/satellite tv is good for is Alabama football.

    Reply
  36. Afi Scruggs - August 3, 2018 3:44 pm

    hahaha

    Reply
  37. JANE HUMPHREY - August 3, 2018 3:44 pm

    LOL, you just made my day. Thank you Sean.

    Reply
  38. Lynn DeShazo - August 3, 2018 3:46 pm

    Very, very funny, Sean! I’ve become a regular reader over this past year. Keep it up, sir!

    Lynn in Birmingham

    Reply
  39. Harriet - August 3, 2018 3:54 pm

    I don’t know how you missed the Mike “the Hammer” Slocumb(?) or Alexander Schnarra(?) commercials. You must have been switching too quickly. You did have me laughing til tears though.

    Reply
  40. ppp1brain - August 3, 2018 4:03 pm

    You’ve described why I won’t have TV in my house 😊

    Reply
  41. Shelton Armour - August 3, 2018 4:57 pm

    Yep…that’s modern TV, all right. Thank goodness for ESPN-sports is still relatively safe.

    Reply
  42. Sharon Kay - August 3, 2018 7:04 pm

    I laughed histerically at this! Reason 1-700 why we dropped cable! Nothing but garbage! You hit the nail on this one Sean! I love your stories!

    Reply
  43. Janet Mary Lee - August 3, 2018 9:39 pm

    Still laughing..and still will not have cable!!! This is a masterpiece!!! …Tummy hurts with laughing…..

    Reply
  44. Susan Kennedy - August 4, 2018 3:11 am

    Perfection!!! 😂

    Reply
  45. Betty Foster - August 4, 2018 1:10 pm

    Wish it was funny… try hotel’s Netflix next time. It’s got good stuff.

    Reply
  46. Lisa Perkins - August 4, 2018 1:43 pm

    You nailed it! There’s never anything good on anymore. 😕😖

    Reply
  47. Laura Stone - August 6, 2018 5:25 pm

    Sooooooo funny!! Thank you!! That’s why I don’t watch TV! Love your column Sean. You rock!

    Reply

Leave a Reply