Hi, thank you for waiting. Your call is hugely important. And we mean hugely. We are working hard to answer your important call in the order received. If you would like to hold without music, press the pound sign, which is otherwise known as the ”hashtag,” depending on the year you graduated high school. Thank you.

My blog website is down. And I am calling customer service to get it taken care of. There are few things I hate worse than customer service. Except for maybe eating congealed salad. I hate that stuff.

I dial the toll-free number.

And I wait.

—RING, RING—

CUSTOMER SERVICE ANSWERING MACHINE: Thank you for calling customer service. Your call is extremely important to us. Your wait time is approximately forty-three minutes. Please enjoy this music.

—“IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW,” BY CHICAGO—

MACHINE: Thank you for holding. Your call is super-duper important to us. Our representatives are assisting other important customers, but we want you to know that they are all chomping at the bit to answer your important call in the order it was received. Thank you.

—“MAKE IT WITH YOU,” BY BREAD—

MACHINE: Hi, thank you for waiting. Your call is hugely important. And we mean hugely. We are working hard to answer your important call in the order received. If you would like to hold without music, press the pound sign, which is otherwise

known as the ”hashtag,” depending on the year you graduated high school. Thank you.

ME: (Presses pound sign.)

MACHINE: Thank you, you have chosen to hold without music.

—“AFTERNOON DELIGHT,” BY THE STARLAND VOCAL BAND—

MACHINE: Hi, remember us? Thank you for your continued patience. Our representatives are busy. But your important call is the reason we get up in the morning and face this cold world. We truly can’t wait to assist you. If you would prefer to hold without music, please press the pound sign, also known as the “tic-tac-toe symbol” to complete idiots. Thank you for your patience.

ME: (Pressing pound sign repeatedly.)

—“CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE,” REO SPEEDWAGON—

MACHINE: Hi. Your call is über, stinking important to us. We are looking forward to helping you. In fact, many of us pray for you at our own personal dinner…