We have about a month until Christmas, and I’m asking people a simple question on Santa’s behalf. He actually asked me to do this.
Well actually, it was Santa’s secretary who called me ultra-long-distance to ask.
Or, if we’re getting super technical, it was his secretary’s assistant’s intern, Stacy, who called me. Santa has a lot of people on his payroll. But hey, he’s tax exempt so who cares? Stacy tells me the elves get great insurance, with full dental.
But anyway, the question Santa wants to know is: What do you want for Christmas?
There are no limits to how you answer. And nobody will judge you for what you want. Granted, if you ask for something like a 2020 Range Rover Evoque, forest green, with a sunroof, people might snicker at you and call you a shallow, narcissistic, self-important, gas-guzzling pig who is partly responsible for the perpetuation of American greed. But Santa won’t think that.
As it happens, a little boy (Brayden, age 8, Missouri) actually sent me his Christmas list. Which
is what inspired the idea for this column. Along with Santa’s phone call, of course.
Brayden asked for:
—A real bunny.
—Red duck tap.
So now it’s your turn. Maybe you want something odd, such as a gift certificate to Golden Corral, or a coin-operated pony ride. Maybe you want a ski-resort vacation. A reverse mortgage. A pet alligator.
Maybe you are a kid who is being raised as a Primitive Freewill Fundamentalist against your will and your parents don’t believe in celebrating Christmas because it was originally a Pagan holiday and in your household your parents believe that Santa represents Satan.
If you live in a house like this, listen to me carefully: Your Christmas is probably going to suck. Send me a letter, pronto. I’ll get it to the Big…