I am going to hell. There is no getting around it. I stole something. I am not proud of this. I am ashamed to even write these words.
Before I say anything else, it’s important for you to know that I am not a thief. I was raised in a moral home. I was a Boy Scout. And whenever I leave public restrooms, I sometimes wash my hands.
But a man can only take so much temptation before he succumbs to pure evil.
Yesterday, I was walking past my neighbor’s house. It was a serene, sunny day. In the side yard of my neighbor’s house is a large tomato garden. The garden is unprotected. Unfenced.
There must be 40 tomato plants out there. These plants produce more tomatoes than any rational human being could ever eat.
I stood before my neighbor’s garden, staring at the giant tomatoes, rotting on the vines.
I gazed upon the tall stalks and saw the plump things, glistening in the sunlight and the Devil started talking to me.
“Whoa, check out those tomatoes,” said
Beelzebub. “It’s be a shame to let them go to waste.”
I told the Devil to get behind me. So he did. He got right behind me and pushed me straight into my neighbor’s garden.
There I was. Standing before a row of suggestive tomato plants. I glanced both ways. Nobody was around.
So I stepped a little closer to take a look. No harm in taking a look, right?
“Right,” said the Devil.
“After all, looking and sinning aren’t necessarily the same thing, right?”
“Took the words right out of my mouth,” said Lucifer.
I touched one of the ripe beefsteaks and felt a cold thrill shoot through me. I cupped my hand around its supple base. The thing weighed as much as a Chrysler. It was warm. And so soft.
My mother used to grow tomatoes. One of her…