Morning. I am driving two-lane highways in the backcountry of Missouri. I have been sharing the highway with mostly rusty pickups and Massey Ferguson farm implements. Also deer.
Missouri. The place where the western prairie meets the southern cotton patches. It’s a foreign land to me.
You’d never know I was born in Missouri. You’d never guess my father died in Missouri.
We lived in Kansas for a short time. A place where Missouri and Kansas were indistinguishable from one another. And that’s where our lives went to hell.
Daddy ended his earthly career here, by his own hand. I come back to town on a pilgrimage every few years.
It’s weird, because I don’t know anyone here. I don’t have any friends. People listen to me talk, they smile, and they immediately ask where my accent is from.
“Alamaba,” I reply.
Then they nod and edge away from me.
I spent the morning driving around Kansas and Missouri, the place where it all happened. The bad stuff. My father did not simply kill himself. On his last
night alive, he tried to kill us too. My mom. My sister. Me.
But it wasn’t actually him doing the bad stuff. Not really. He lost his mind. And when someone loses their mind they lose their wholeself.
Before sunrise, I went to the creek where I was the day he died. I had been catching mudbugs that day. Playing. Splashing. When the shot rang out.
I haven’t been to the creek in over 30 years. Never wanted to go. But today I felt like going.
So, I parked on the shoulder of an old gravel road. I hiked through the suffocating woods to the spot. The same creek where my mother once ran barefoot, in her nightgown, as my father chased her with a pistol. I remember all the shouting and the wailing.
This morning, I looked into the treetops. All…