I have here an email which reads:

“Sean, you often write of angels and miracles, and today, of Heaven. But if Heaven and angels are real, which I do believe, then Hell and demons must also be real. I guess writing about those is less fun? People don’t like to think about those ideas. But presenting only one side of the spiritual realm is perhaps misleading?”

After reading the above letter, I realized something important. I have never written about hell. Over the years I’ve written about angels, miracles, cancer survivors, dogs, play-off games, small towns, and eyebrow hair. But never hell.

To verify that this was true, I had my research department, Jamie Martin Dietrich, comb through a decade’s worth of columns. The research department determined that—unless you count columns on the NCAA National Championship—I have never written about hell.

Thus, I am going to tell you a true anecdote about hell, a place which, I can assure you, is real. I know this because I visited hell a few months

ago when I went to the Department of Motor Vehicles to register a boat trailer.

No sooner had I entered the DMV than the clerk said, “Take a number and get in line!” And I knew I was in purgatory.

So there I was, standing in a line of tormented souls, all waiting for our numbers to be called. This line was longer than the line to the men’s room at Jordan-Hare Stadium.

I was alongside people who were unshaven and disheveled, gnashing their teeth, and surviving on vending machine food. I met an elderly man who had been standing in line to register his Ford Station Wagon since 1954.

After 40 days and 40 nights of waiting, I was finally invited to approach a teller window.

I told the clerk I wanted to register my boat trailer.

She managed to say her next sentence in one, eye-rolling…

Becca and I walked inside Waffle House. The air was surgically cold. It smelled like cured pork. I have had a lifelong love affair with Waffle House. If you have to ask why, you might be from Iowa.

We selected a corner booth. Becca is 11. She is also blind. The waitress asked what we wanted to drink.

“Sweet tea,” said Becca.

“I’ll have the same.”

Becca and I talked about everything and nothing. Of life. Of love. Of boogers. You never know what an 11-year-old is going to talk about.

She had just gotten out of school. She was energetic and gabby. I learned about her friends, Paisley, and Brinley, and Nora, and Bryce, and so forth.

Also, I learned that, The Powers That Be do indeed manufacture fidget spinners that one can wear on one’s wrist. Spinners which not only spin, but also light up.

Becca had three such spinners in her purse.

Yes. A purse. Becca has recently started carrying a purse. She wears it across her torso. She looks very grown-up. It’s a large

purse. Floral print. Like the kind your mom used to carry.

My mother’s purse contained half the contents of the known solar system. She carried everything in there.

If you told Mama you were hungry, for example, she would give you something from her purse. A Kit Kat, or a sleeve of saltines, or a ketchup packet.

No matter what Mama gave you, it usually tasted like expired makeup and purse dirt. But you ate it, by dog, because there were starving people in China.

So anyway, Becca is probably my best friend. I don’t know how this happened. I didn’t know grown-ups could become best friends with children. But there you are.

I have discovered that I prefer Becca’s company. I made a promise to myself early on, that I would never speak to her like she was a child.

So…

Newspapers have a smell. If you’re lucky enough to find a newspaper in our digital world, you’ll notice the smell first. Fresh newsprint paper. SoySeal ink. Still warm. It’s a unique scent.

I grew up throwing newspapers. Not on a bicycle. My mother and I threw newspapers, riding in her beat up Nissan. We threw papers every day of the week. Weekends. Holidays. Rainy weather. Snow. Thanksgiving. Christmas Eve.

Our mornings went as such:

We awoke at 2:30 a.m. We arrived at West Marine at 3. Whereupon a delivery truck would pull up, carrying a pallet of the “Northwest Florida Daily News.” The pallet was about the size of an average Hardee’s.

Then, Mama and I would hole up in her car, wrapping newspapers while eating breakfast. Usually, Pop Tarts, or ham sandwiches.

Wrapping was the hardest part. You had to roll each paper into a tight tube. Then you shoved the paper into a tubular plastic sleeve which was about the same circumference as a No. 2 pencil.

Once a newspaper was wrapped, you

tossed it into the backseat, where your kid sister sat. She had pigtails. She was busily wrapping newspapers of her own.

Your hands would look like a coal miner’s.

There’s not much on the radio at 3 in the morning. But if you didn’t mind AM, you could listen to classic reruns of Paul Harvey. We were big Paul Harvey fans.

When we finished, the backseat was so weighted with newspapers, the rear axel sagged against the pavement, shooting sparks into the night at full speed.

My sister rode in back, buried in rolled-up newspapers. I rode up front, reciting the current list of subscribers.

And this is where the real work began. We all had roles. Mama was pilot. Kid Sister was munitions. I was tail gunner.

I would crank down the window and throw newspapers across Northwest Florida. We delivered several hundred billion…

We were newlyweds. Our apartment was cozy. Cozy in a nuclear-fallout sort of way.

We’re talking 600 square feet. Our bathroom was barely big enough to shower in without sustaining a subdural hematoma.

The tenants below us had a flea infestation. Which meant the whole building had fleas. Which meant that I was always pausing mid-conversation to scratch my scalp.

Our lives were otherwise pretty good. My wife taught preschool. Which is code for, “wiping tiny butts.” Ironically, when my wife first interviewed with the school, she flatly told the preschool director, “I’ll do anything but wipe butts.”

The director simply laughed. Within 24 hours on the job, my wife had already wiped eight.

Meantime, my job was working with a friend, hanging commercial gutter. I hated it.

I was the kind of guy you’d bring to a nice cocktail party, and whenever someone asked, “So, what do you do?” I’d answer, “My life is in the gutter.” Whereupon cocktail party guests would ask me to refill their drinks.

But we were happy. And that’s the

thing about newlyweds. They’re nonsensically happy. My wife and I were always exhausted, overworked, underpaid, and just generally pooped from trying to make ends meet. We lived on ramen noodles, or if we were feeling especially lavish, Stouffer's lasagna.

But we were happy.

On the night of my wife’s birthday, however, she wanted to go out to eat, and we couldn’t afford it. We had $27.39 in our bank account. It had been a hard month.

Heck, it had been a hard last few years.

At work that day, I was feeling terrible, thinking about how poor we were. I almost asked one of my friends whether I could borrow money for a nice birthday dinner, but I was not raised to ask for money.

The people I come from would rather live in a refrigerator carton than beg.

So that night, I got…

“I used to be a beauty queen,” said the waitress.

We were in Southern Mississippi. The waitress was older. Maybe in her 70s. Which is getting younger every year.

The woman brought my breakfast and my coffee. The food was hot. The coffee was the temperature of three-day-old bathwater.

“A beauty queen?” I said.

“Yeah,” the waitress said. “Won a local beauty contest when I was 24, I thought I was going to die of shock. Hadn’t never won nothing in my whole life.”

She had no confidence as a young woman. She grew up on a farm with six brothers. The only girl in a family of nine.

“My brothers were always trying to steal my food.”

She learned to work hard, how to bale hay, and how to handle large animals. You can always tell someone who has handled large animals. They don’t make sudden movements.

As a girl, she never thought she was pretty. She grew up in overalls and bare feet. Her mother cut her hair, and her daddy said she’d make a fine farmer’s wife.

“Then my aunt Jeannie came along,” she said. “My aunt said I should enter this beauty contest. And I was like, ‘What? Me? I’m ugly.’”

But her aunt insisted.

Her aunt took her into town to get her hair did. The older ladies in the salon wore helmet hair and pink nylon capes. They swarmed her like bees.

“They put so much hairspray on me I think I was an environmental hazard.”

The ladies did her makeup. They plucked her eyebrows. They did her eyelashes. They applied powder, rouge, and a gallon of base.

“I didn’t even recognize myself.”

The contest was a foreign experience. She felt like a fish out of the pond.

“My aunt told me to walk like Marilyn Monroe, and to speak on the microphone like Queen Elizabeth.”

The young woman won the contest. It was…

“Welcome to Moe’s!” the man sang to us.

He was pushing a mop, wiping down tables at Moe’s Southwest Grill in Daphne, Alabama.

We walked into the restaurant and were greeted by an older man in a faded cap and a T-shirt which read HERE FOR THE QUESO.

He was singing his greeting along to the melody of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.

“Welcome to da Moe’s….
“Welcome to da Moe’s….”

We had been on the road for a week. We were tired, depleted, suffering the adverse effects of road-trip calorie deficit. What we needed were fats and carbs. What we needed were intravenous burritos.

“We gonna take care of yooooooooou at da Moe’s!” sang the man with the mop. “Oh yeeeeeah!”

His name was Roger. He was smiling, singing his greeting to all who entered.

He used different melodies for each welcome. He borrowed his melodies from Aretha Franklin, James Taylor, Boy George, and Prince. But the gist was always the same:

Welcome to da Moe’s.

Most customers smiled when the vocalist gave the salutation. And, amazingly, almost everyone would sing back.

Many impromptu

performers would warble:

“Thank you!” Or: “Okaaaay now!” You could tell these customers weren’t exactly trained singers inasmuch as many sounded like English Springer spaniels with sinus infections.

“Welcome to da Moe’s!” Roger sand to a college kid.

“Thank you!” the kid replied in the style of Elvis Presley.

“Welcome to da Moe’s!” Roger sang to an elderly woman.

She began to blush. Finally, the woman caved and sang her reply in the tremulous alto voice of a front-row Baptist. “Thannnnk yooooou!”

“I been working at da Moe’s for 13 years,” he said. “Every day I try to cheer people up. You know how it is, people have bad days sometimes. We all have’em. But when you sing, it give you reason to forget your bad day.”

Roger used to be a janitor at Daphne Middle…