Hey, Daddy. Just checking in. How’s the customer service up in Heaven? I heard they have a great buffet. The cruise director happens to be an old friend.
So anyway, I don’t know if you remember, but I’m currently the same age you were when you took your own life.
I was a kid when it happened. I was 11 years old, standing before your casket, crying my eyes out. Snot coming out of my nostrils. And I had no idea what to feel.
A huge part of me missed you. But there was another part of me that was relieved you were gone. And another-NOTHER part of me felt extremely guilty for thinking that way.
What kind of sick, twisted kid is glad his father is dead? Let me explain.
You and I were different. Night and day. Black and white. Oil and Water. Mork and Mindy. And we still are different.
For starters, I love my life. I’m not miserable the way you were. I know your
misery wasn’t your fault, exactly. So I don’t blame you. You had a chemical imbalance. You hated your job. Hated your marriage. Hated your own life. Probably even hated me sometimes. Which is why you were abusive.
Speaking of abuse. Do you know that it took me 42 years to realize I was an abused child? I don’t know how I was the last to know this. How could I miss all the telltale signs? I’m a slow learner, I guess.
We made excuses for you. We invented all sorts of fantastical stories about our bruises. “I fell out of a tree.” “I fell out of a tire swing.” “I fell in the shower.”
Mom and I did a lot of “falling.” But I never really identified as a child of domestic…