Wake up. Get dressed. Remove phone from nightstand charger, put phone in pocket.
Brush teeth with sonic-grade electric toothbrush, using organically sourced, sustainable toothpaste, which your wife purchases at Whole Foods. Toothpaste which is antimicrobial, anti-inflammatory, and anti-whatever else.
Enter kitchen. Greet three dogs who are dutifully waiting by refrigerator. And even though the clock reads 5:33 a.m., they are already giving the refrigerator the paralyzingly serious death stare. This is because they know the refrigerator contains cheese.
Your phone dings. The phone is already notifying you about your highly sophisticated security cameras, which have just picked up movement by the neighborhood cats. Don’t ask how, but somehow these cats are intelligent enough to know that whenever they walk past the motion-sensitive cameras your phone dings and they get food.
Make coffee. Use high-tech electric coffee maker, a device which—even though you never asked for this feature—comes equipped with a digital screen capable of connecting to Wi-Fi.
While coffee perks, you check the news on your smartphone.
You do this by
consulting a highly curated list of trustworthy media websites. These outlets are reputable organizations, sites from which you KNOW you can absolutely trust at least 4 percent of what they say. Maybe 3 percent.
Because every reporting organization is, more or less, full of equestrian excrement. But you live with it. Because that’s how the global news cycle works.
This is the reason that, even though you read the news, you never actually know what the hell is going on in the world. You never know which information to believe. Neither would you know how to even validate the “truth” if you WERE to stumble across it. And above all, you don’t have the energy or the time to comb through an internet full of bovine scatological offerings looking for facts because you have a life, and your dogs need cheese.
So, as you watch the space-age machines do…