READER: I’m sorry, I can’t read your stuff anymore because people are always fighting in the comments.
SEAN: Trust me, the emails they send are even better.
READER: What do we do about AI? I am a writer for a prominent media publication, and artificial intelligence is already stealing some of my gigs. Yesterday a fellow journalist used material written by ChatGPT and it was actually published. As a writer, are you afraid of artificial intelligence taking over media?
SEAN: At this point, I’d love it for any intelligence to take over.
READER: Hi, Sean. I think tipping has gotten out of control. We used to only tip our servers, now we’re expected to tip everyone wherever we buy services. It’s crazy. What do you think?
SEAN: Tipping for good service in a restaurant is one thing. Tipping at the supermarket self-checkout is another.
READER: I read something you wrote, and you mispelled “Proclivity.”
SEAN: You misspelled “mispelled.”
READER: Your angel essay on angels rubbed me wrong. Do you seriously believe in angels? Each time you write about them you lose all credibility with me. Do better.
SEAN: Careful, my guardian angel knows where you live.
READER: Shave your beard off! I’m in my 70s, and my father always taught me that there is nothing more self-respectable than being clean shaven. Your picture in our newspaper looks like your face has been dipped into a giant can of hair. Lose the beard, let us see your face!
SEAN: I’ll forward your letter to Santa Claus and Jesus.
READER: I was wondering what you think about the way this country is going right now? I personally believe this current generation is the downfall of America.
SEAN: I wonder who raised this current generation?
READER: I read an article on a news site where you were criticizing overusing cellphones. But I actually read your articles ON MY PHONE, so what do you say to that?
SEAN: Selfie.
READER: You made fun of televangelists a few months ago. I realize it was just a cheap laugh, but members of my church sent the article to me and I was disappointed because you are using your platform to criticize anointed men of God. …I am an evangelist, and I also own a private plane. I have been spreading the Gospel via television for 22 years. Does preaching the Gospel on TV make me a bad person?
SEAN: No, it’s your jet.
READER: I was wondering how you came to start writing. I am a writer, too. I read your stuff sometimes and I think to myself, “I want to do that.” Right now I work in sales. What do you think I should do?
SEAN: I think you should follow your heart. You only get one of those.
READER: You said recently that you believe prayer works. What about all the millions of people for whom prayer doesn’t work? It’s convenient to say prayer works when someone gets healed. But what about when nothing happens?
SEAN: Prayer is not a magic spell. Prayer either changes your situation or it changes you.
READER: You said you think today’s country music is crap. I am a big fan of the Sabrina Carpenter, I was offended by your comments.
SEAN: Listen, friend, if I have insulted you, believe me.
READER: I am writing a five-page report for my college class, and we are supposed to pick a hero to write about. I can’t find one. I guess, I’m just not into hero worship, and it’s weird trying to find someone you’d call a hero. I’m too busy trying to be a loving, compassionate person, and raise my children to be honorable people. Who is your all-time hero? Do you have one?
SEAN: Yes. I do. You.
READER: Do you have anything to say on politics?
SEAN: We should be thankful politicians are in the position they’re in; if they weren’t in politics they’d be doing something else against us even worse.
READER: You are ignorant.
SEAN: I agree. But it takes a lot of knowledge to realize one’s own ignorance.
READER: I want to propose to my girlfriend, but I can’t seem to find the words, I am not a writer. Do you have any advice for me?
SEAN: ChatGPT.