Charlotte is a student at West Virginia University. The 19-year-old emailed me asking for relationship advice concerning her ex-boyfriend, John, who once hurt her very badly.

Tragically, I don’t give advice. But I can tell you a story, Charlotte.

Our story is about Eleanor the raccoon. Eleanor was a very nice raccoon. Everyone loved Eleanor because she was polite and had good manners.

Eleanor always washed her hands before she ate. Eleanor always said “please” and “thank you.” And she always said “excuse me” after she belched, even if nobody was around.

One night, Eleanor was digging through the trash, hunting for Cheetos. She loved Cheetos. And you could always find Cheetos in the trash bins of Mountain Brook, where humans ate many, many Cheetos but never admitted this to their Fourtune-500 friends.

Just as Eleanor was about to give up looking for Cheetos, she FOUND SOME! A bag of Cheetos, half empty—or half full, depending on your personal world philosophy.

Eleanor snatched the bag into her little hands and almost started singing; she was so happy. She scurried into the forest.

On her way home, as Eleanor was about to cross the creek when she realized she had a problem. Crossing the stream with the Cheetos would be difficult. She would have to hold the bag above the water as she swam.

Fortunately, raccoons are strong, competent swimmers, and Eleanor was basically the Michael Phelps of the raccoon world. So she sealed the bag tightly, then held it high above her head and was very glad she had applied deodorant this morning.

Just before Eleanor stepped into the water, she heard a voice.

It was Larry, the snake. Larry was lying beside the stream, gazing wistfully across. And he was weeping.

“What’s wrong?” said Eleanor.

“I need to cross the stream,” said Larry, “but I can’t swim well because I am a copperhead, and the current is too strong tonight.”

“That’s a bummer,” said Eleanor.

She was about to dive into the water when Larry turned up the tears.

“Can YOU take me across?” begged Larry.

“Me?”

“Please?”

Eleanor was conflicted about what to do. On one hand, she was a thoughtful raccoon who loved helping others. On the other hand, Larry was—well—he was an eastern copperhead.

“I’m sorry,” said Eleanor. “I can’t take you across, my mom told me to stay away from snakes.”

“But I’m a NICE snake,” Larry pleaded. “I promise I won’t bite you. Besides, I CAN’T bite you, since you’re the one giving me a ride. If I bite you, I’ll drown too.”

This made logical sense to Eleanor. So Eleanor made Larry pinky swear. But this was very hard inasmuch as Larry did not have pinkies. So Eleanor wrapped her tiny pinky around the tip of his tail and just shook it a little.

Within moments, Eleanor was swimming with Larry on her back, the Cheetos in her other hand. They were having a lovely time. Larry was actually a very friendly snake.

But just before they reached the shore, it happened.

Larry bit Eleanor. It was a nasty bite. And as Larry’s deadly venom took effect, she said, “Why did you bite me?!”

“I’m really sorry,” said Larry. “But I can’t help it. It’s who I am. You knew I was a copperhead.”

Whereupon Larry stole Eleanor’s Cheetos and ate them all up.

I would tell you the moral of this story, Charlotte, but all I can think about right now is finding Cheetos.