I walked into the gothic cathedral. It was early. There were sleepy looks on people’s faces. Puffy eyes. Saggy jowls. And that was just the face I saw in the lobby mirror.

One of the ushers shook my hand. He said it was good to see me. I don’t know if he meant it.

I sat in the rearmost pew because I was embarrassed to be here. The presbyterium was starting to fill up with people. I was not raised Catholic. We did not call them presbyteriums. We called them “the big rooms where the preacher had an aneurysm.”

You could tell that a lot of parishioners had particular seats. They marched into the room with purpose, families in tow, striding directly toward their seats. They wore nice clothes. The old folks wore suits and dresses. The young marrieds were dressed “snappy casual.” More casual than snappy.

The back pews, where I sat, were filling with only Latino congregants. Suddenly, I was surrounded by

an ocean of rapid-fire Español. A few women wore maid-service uniforms. Several guys wore construction boots. There were a lot of children. I counted no Latinos up front.

A little girl sat beside me. She looked at me and smiled.

Service began. Priests proceeded forward, wearing what looked like kaftans, and hats that looked like traffic cones. Right away, I could tell this service was going to be unfamiliar to me.

Even so, my dad was raised Catholic. By the time I was born he had already converted to full-tilt evangelicalism. I never knew of his early life. All I knew were fire-breathing sermons, angry fundamentalists, and preachers who took important mission trips to Honolulu.

But my old man was Catholic. He grew up in a traumatized home of abuse and violence. And I know his Catholic origins helped him through this difficult boyhood. I know this because sometimes,…

Today, schoolkids across the nation will sit at desks, forced to write at knifepoint the same essay we all wrote each November: “What I’m Thankful For.”

Every student approaches this essay differently. Some, primarily front-row students, draft an itemized list wherein items one through 49 explicitly thank the teacher for being so incredibly, stupendously, unmitigatedly awesome that she is finally forced to wipe the brown stains from these students’ noses.

Meantime, kids in the back rows pass around M.A.D. magazines, retelling the timeless joke about the pig with the wooden leg, a joke which has brought me, personally, more comfort than any major religion.

Nevertheless, we wrote our lists each year. I never received an A-grade on my essays. But to this day, I have a stunning collection of magazines which bear the face of Alfred E. Neuman on the cover.

So, in no particular order, here is my list:

“The Andy Griffith Show.” I grew up in a tragic, fatherless home. I look back now and realize I was probably clinically

depressed. But each afternoon at five, the clouds parted and a local channel ran back-to-back reruns of Andy. Andy Griffith was my pretend dad. I’m grateful for that.

I am thankful for dogs. On any given day, I receive more tangible love from dogs than I could get, say, attending Woodstock.

I am thankful for music. Old music. The kind that forms a living scrapbook of our ancestors. “Amazing Grace.” “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.” “Hard Times.” I am thankful for my old fiddle. My piano. And, God help me, even my banjo. I am not thankful for the accordion.

I am thankful for babies. All infants. Happy, plump, fat, pink newborns who laugh so hard that semi-solids come out both ends.

My wife and I were not able to have children. This has mostly been okay with me. After all, I didn’t have an example of a…

You’re a single mother. Your name is Deidra. Your wallet has three bucks in it. You have an old Visa gift card with twelve dollars left on it.

Something bad happened today.

It wasn’t because of anything you did. It’s because you’re in your late thirties and teenagers can do your job cheaper. They cut your hours. Management’s way of firing you.

You reacted. You let your manager have it. You called him an awful name. You wish you could take it back.

You cry in your car. You wipe your face. Then cry again. You wait for your kids to exit the free daycare.

And here you are, sorting mail while you wait. Power bill. Water bill. Cell phone bill. Cable. Insurance. It never ends.

Your kids run toward you. There are kisses, hugs. You notice how tall your oldest is. Your nine-year-old colored a picture.

They talk loud and happy.

You’re thinking about what’s inside your refrigerator for supper. A few slices of bologna, half a liter of Coke, old carrots, two eggs.

You look in your purse. The gift card.

You drive to a pizza

buffet. It’s six bucks for your oldest, four bucks for the youngest—not counting soda.

You slide your card and hold your breath.

Life isn’t supposed to be this way. You’re not supposed to skip suppers and feed your kids with gift cards.

You’re young, pretty, healthy. You’re supposed to be happy. Instead, you’re a few dimes shy of homelessness.

After the meal, you leave eighty-four cents for a tip. That’s all the loose change you have. You’re saving your last three dollars.

You drive. Your gas gauge is on E.

You’re humiliated. That’s how poverty works. It embarrasses a person until they think so little of themselves, they don’t like their reflection.

You pull into a gas station. You’re going to put three dollars into your old Ford Contour. Not a penny…

This is Maria’s story. Why she entrusted it to a hapless columnist like myself is beyond me. Either way, our story begins in a humble cafeteria, filled with homeless people.

They are all here for the free annual holiday meal. All who enter are given hand sanitizer and hot cocoa.

Maria volunteers here. She has been helping serve hot meals all week, and she volunteers here year round. This volunteering tradition started many years ago. It’s a long story.

When she was a kid her late father was an alcoholic. But when Maria hit age 13, he got sober. Her father started attending AA meetings and won his life back. The main thing her father learned from these support group meetings was that (a) each meeting had donuts, which increased your pant size considerably, and (b) helping others is the only thing worth doing with your life.

Oh, how she misses him.

The mess hall is overrun with people who are dressed in ragged clothing. Some suffer from mental illness, some are addicted,

others have breath that is 190 proof.

Maria stands behind the sneeze guard, dressed in facemask and hairnet. She serves them all steaming helpings. She is cheery, fun, and she flirts with the old guys because they get such a kick out of this.

One elderly man smiles at her. “Maria, I wish I were twenty years younger, I’d marry you.”

She throws out a hip and says, “And just what would YOU know about marriage, Mister Dan?”

“Hey, I know a lot. I’ve had three very successful marriages.”

She cackles. She gives him an extra helping of green beans and reminds him to behave.

Another old guy shuffles toward her. He wears a leather hat and a large backpack. His pants have gaping holes, he reeks of ammonia and body odor. She dishes his plate. The man’s eyes become pink and wet when he sees all…

When I was a kid, church ladies ran the whole world. Elderly women were always telling me what to do, randomly appearing from the shadows and trying to feed me.

Our little microcosmic community was operated by elderly women in beehive hairdos. They drove Lincolns, Mercury Grand Marquis, or Ford F-100 pickups with gun racks.

Church ladies carried the keys to our universe. Not metaphorically, but worse. Allegorically. The keys to the school, the library, the church building, they were all on huge keychains which these ladies carried in their prodigious church-lady purses, which were bags about the size of Waffle Houses.

You could find anything you needed in those purses. Professional-grade first-aid kits, cosmetic supplies, a change of underpants, spare tires, etc. And if you were hungry, you could find a three-course meal in such a purse, although the food was likely to taste like Rolaids and purse dirt.

So, these were the women who raised me. They were always present in my life. They taught every class, directed

every pageant, prepared every fellowship-hall supper, played piano for every Fifth Sunday sing, visited every hospital, and babysat you when your mom worked doubles.

And when you lost a loved one, it was these church ladies who organized the committee that overloaded your front porch with casseroles.

Which is exactly what happened when my father died. My father died by his own hand when I was 11. And the very next morning, I heard voices on our porch before sunrise. Ladies’ voices.

There were elderly women, leaving casserole pans, glass cookware, covered in foil, and Corningware dishes, nestled in gingham dishrags.

And it was also one such church lady who took pity on me in the weeks after my father died. After my father’s end, I lost weight because I could not eat. I slept all the time.

I’ll never forget the morning when an elderly woman named Miss Ruth…

I receive a lot of remarks in the form of emails, private messages, obscene hand gestures, etc. There’s no way I could answer all comments individually. So occasionally, I compile commonly asked questions and answer them in this column.

Q: SHAME ON YOU! YOU USED THE WORD “GODAWFUL” IN YOUR LAST COLUMN. I WAS OFFENDED BY THIS LANGUAGE, MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE QUIT READING YOU. WE ARE BOTH YOUTH MINISTERS AND WE ARE PUT OFF BY WORDS LIKE “GODAWFUL.”

A: Brace yourself, madam. Because you’re going to hear a lot worse than that in youth group.

Q: My son reads your column in our paper three times every week. He is 12 years old and he dressed up as Sean of the South this Halloween. People kept asking whether he was Chuck Norris.

A: Half that candy is mine.

Q: Why won’t you discuss politics, Sean? You remain silent, but you have a platform where you could share truth.

A: If you were to inject

truth into politics, you’d have no politics. Will Rogers.

Q: A lot of your humor involves toilet humor. I find this unnecessary and upsetting. Your recent article about a gas leak in Calhoun, Georgia, you used gross and unnecessary potty humor. My grandchildren were reading your column in our newspaper! I immediately knew something was wrong when I heard them laughing as they read. Take your humor out of the toilet, Sean!

A: Trust me on this. A good fiber supplement will change your life.

Q: I am writing this because sometimes you explore your faith in your writings, and while it is good to grapple with matters of faith, it’s better to do this with the guidance of a spirit-filled pastor… You’re leading people astray with your lies and misconceptions about God… Hell is real, Sean. I KNOW where I’m going, do you know where you’re…

It’s hard to believe it’s our friendiversary again. Hard to believe we’ve known each other so long. You were 10 when we met. You’re 12 now. That’s practically old enough to be in a retirement home.

I remember when we met, like it was yesterday. It was an overcast, autumn afternoon. I was three pant-sizes smaller than I am now.

I arrived at a restaurant named Bama Bucks in the hamlet of Boaz, Alabama (pop.10,369). Bama Bucks, a wild-game restaurant with a commercial deer farm across the street. All the deer in cages were staring at me.

I asked a fellow customer what was with all the deer. The customer replied, “You ever been to a seafood restaurant with a lobster tank?”

So we were definitely not in Birmingham anymore.

It was your laugh I noticed first. Outside the restaurant, you were sitting in a chair, waiting for me, rocking back and forth, clutching a white cane. Hair in a ponytail.

You were saying:

“Is that him? Is that his voice I hear?” And then you just laughed.

The first thing we did was hug. And I like that. I like that we didn’t even know each other before we hugged. We just jumped right in.

You fit in the crook of my arms just right. You were so fragile. So tiny.

I knew a little about your story, of course. After all, you had written me a letter about losing your vision. Your teacher sent it to me.

Your biological mother was a drug abuser. You were one of those infants in the NICU with neonatal abstinence syndrome, in withdrawals the moment you left the womb. You were a foster kid, bouncing through The System like a veritable ping-pong ball, before two incredible parents adopted you.

Then, you lost your vision. Then you went through a really hard time.…

Gray weather feels a lot like taking a field trip to Hell. I don’t like overcast days. Whenever the sky gets like this, I sit by a windowsill and entertain the idea of composing Russian poetry.

I love the sun. I need the sun. When it disappears, I start to miss the sun in much the same way I would miss trees, grass, or ice cream, if those things were to vanish behind clouds.

I wouldn’t want to lose those things. Just like I wouldn’t want to lose muddy creeks and rivers, or large mouth bass. Or sausages from Conecuh County, biscuits made by hand, macaroni and cheese, and barbecued ribs.

As it happens, I hold a longstanding county-fair record for eating the most consecutive ribs without being admitted into the ER. I'll show you my trophy sometime—if ever these godawful clouds go away.

I wouldn’t want to lose kids, either. If clouds covered all the kids up in the world, I'd miss them.

Especially babies.

Fat ones that wiggle when they laugh in your arms, flexing their little stomachs as they cackle, their plastic Huggies getting heavier with each laugh.

I love children. They remind me of who I truly am inside. I am not an adult. Not really. I am really just a tall kid with a mortgage. All attempts to appear otherwise are fruitless.

And since I'm giving big fat opinions, here's another: I wish pop-singers would quit dressing like giant marital aids. Don't they know kids watch them on television? Don't they know there's more to music than The Carnal Urge? Do they even know what real music is?

Consequently, why is crappy music so popular? Why are pop artists with the collective IQ of room-temperature mayonnaise famous?

I realize this is not a new problem. Idiocy has always been in fashion. Each generation in history had pop-stars and…

Calhoun, Georgia. An autumn evening. I was supposed to be putting on a show with my band The Grand Ole Optimists. But that wasn’t happening. I was unable to perform because of a serious gas problem.

“A gas problem?” said ticket holders who were being denied entrance into the Gem Theater. “What on earth did Sean eat?”

The cops and firemen explained.

“Sean doesn’t have gas, ma’am. There is a natural gas leak beneath the ground. This is an explosion zone, folks. Step back, please.”

Calhoun was in full disaster preparation mode. There were cop cars everywhere. Pumper trucks blocked the streets. Emergency vehicles sounded sirens. The atmosphere was filled with red and blue lights. Midtown was shut down.

Various audience members, lingering on sidewalks, kept eyeing me closely, watching for signs of gastrointestinal distress.

This is probably because the theater marquee was equipped with a message that read, in bold letters: “SEAN OF THE SOUTH SHOW CANCELED DUE TO GAS.”

“You can look at it this way,” said one of my band members,

gazing at the marquee in much the same way you’d stare at a loved one, or the face of a newborn. “This has the potential to become the greatest flatulent joke of all time.”

About an hour went by. Everybody kept waiting for an update on the gaseous situation. Everyone kept hoping the firemen would tell them whether they were in danger of explosion, air toxicity, or worse, they would all be required to attend my show.

But no news.

So, everyone was sitting on curbs, waiting around, looking at their watches. Firemen were striding by in full turnout gear. Cops were flagging traffic. And it was growing evident with each moment: This gas simply would not pass.

But the night was not over. And this is why you have to love small towns. Because a Coulhoun-Gordon County library manager happened to be attending the show…