Our plane touched down in Birmingham at about 7 p.m. The captain said, “Welcome to the Magic City, we hope you’ve enjoyed your flight.”
My wife turned to me. I was jammed between a sweaty tire salesman from Sheboygan and a snoring 78-year-old Presbyterian named Marge.
My wife leaned across the aisle and said to me, “Yes. We ‘enjoyed’ our flight immensely.”
The passengers all came barreling out of the plane, cattle-like, onto the gangway, travel weary. Dutifully schlepping our carry-on luggage.
It never fails to amaze me. No matter how many times the airport informs passengers on the acceptable sizes of carry-on items, there are always people shoving carry-on bags roughly the size of 1962 Buick Roadsters into the overhead compartments above my seat.
We deboarded the plane in a hurry, whereupon we all stood around waiting in the restroom line, hoping to pee some time before the next papal installation.
Afterward, we shuttled downstairs to collect our baggage.
According to American tradition, your bags will always be last on the luggage merry-go-round. This is
a universal law. My wife and I stood saggy-eyed, watching luggage pass by on the conveyor belt. None of it was ours.
Eventually, after every human being in the Western World had collected their personal luggage, even people who had wandered in off the street, two pitifully familiar bags came through the chute, battered and duct taped.
We called an Uber. And within minutes, we were taxiing through the streets of Alabama’s second largest city. Birmingham. Home.
“Welcome home,” said the Uber driver.
“Thank you,” we said, in a pleasant daze.
The Uber guy looked at us in the rear-view mirror. He smiled and spoke in a sage-like voice. “There’s no place like home.”
There really isn’t.
This morning, after a week in the chilly North, I awoke in my home. There were three dogs waiting patiently for me to open my eyes. They…