It’s a sunny day. The Birmingham Galleria Mall is busy. There are hundreds of people beneath the tall atrium. They have places to go and things to buy.
I am here with my wife, who is shopping for blue jeans at Old Navy.
Shopping for jeans with your wife is a dangerous gamble. In the Western world, the leading cause of divorce is shopping for blue jeans at Old Navy with your wife. Ranking second is chewing your food too loud.
It goes like this:
Your wife locks herself in the dressing room with eighty-seven pairs of jeans. While she tries them on, you, the husband, go to the designated detention area with other husbands.
Intermittently, you wife emerges from her room, modeling jeans that look exactly like the jeans she wore when she entered the store.
Then, she glances at her reflection and begins speaking in foreign tongues. She asks things like: “Does this chino inseam appear too constricting?”
And: “Do you
think these boot-cuts too are too roomy on the calf region?”
We husbands have no idea what our wives are actually asking. This is why we often mumble. Because we know our words don’t really matter when it comes to blue jeans. Our wives will make their own decisions.
We know that by the end of the day our wives will have at least two emotional breakdowns, and likely leave the store without a single pair of blue jeans because they hate blue jeans and they wish blue jeans would’ve never been invented and they hate anyone who wears blue jeans including members of Congress, anyone below age thirty, and Cher.
And instead of buying jeans, our wives end up getting something like a “cute little cardigan that was on clearance.”
Then everyone goes out for ice cream. The end.
The best thing a guy can do…