DEAR SEAN:
I taught English for 21 years and I often read grammatical mistakes in your writing. This makes me cringe. May I suggest that you refrain from calling yourself a columnist (as you often do) until you get your grammar in order?
I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but you’re not a columnist. True newspaper columnists like Ann Landers and Erma Bombeck were in command of the English language. Your command is questionable.
Thanks,
GET-AN-EDITOR
DEAR MRS. SUNSHINE:
You’re more fun than a trip to the dentist. Which is exactly where I was when I read your gracious email. I was sitting in the dentist’s chair while Doctor Tim Nettles of Columbiana, Alabama, was peering into my oral cavity and admiring several decades of Folgers stains.
During this vulnerable moment, my phone vibrated in my pocket with your uplifting email. What a blessing. You sound like someone I could really be friends with.
But hey, you’re entitled to your opinions. This is America. And like my grandfather always said:
“Our opinions are like shiny award plaques hanging
in used car dealerships that nobody gives a flying flip about.”
You would have liked Granddaddy. He would have made you cringe, too. He butchered English like it was a dollar-store minute steak. The man worked in sentence fragments the way some work in oils or clay.
“Sir?” a waitress might say to Granddaddy. “Would you like a refill on your iced tea?”
He would extend his cup and grunt: “Much ‘blige t’ya.”
The waitress would commence pouring, whereupon Granddaddy would nod and say, “‘Preciate ch’all.”
Before walking away, the waitress, who also spoke fluent Fragment-ese, would give the universal response. “Ah-ite.”
You would have been in linguistic heaven.
So you’re absolutely right about me fouling up the English language. And I for one ‘preciate cha. Thank you for taking the time to help me understand just what a star pupil…