You can imagine how shocked I was to discover that for the past two months I have been wearing a mullet haircut without knowing it.
This is not a joke. So please try to remain calm and do not get so horrified that you drop your cell phone, tablet e-reader, newspaper, or eight-month-old son.
But as it turns out, I have been parading around the Free World wearing a hairstyle that is cut short in the front, but long in the back. A hairstyle commonly known as an “Achy-Breaky-Big-Mistakey.” Or in certain regions, “The Mississippi Mudflap.”
I figured this out when I walked into a salon yesterday. As soon as I sat in the chair, I knew something was wrong. Because four professional hairdressers surrounded me and ran their fingers through my hair, saying things like, “You poor baby.” One of them even dropped her eight-month-old son.
Said one stylist, “What kind of a person did this to you, sweetheart?”
I had no idea what they were talking about.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
Jessica gripped the long hair behind my head and yanked it. “This,” she said. “I hate to break it to you, but THIS is a Tennessee Tophat.”
“A what?”
“You know,” another explained. “A Squirrel Pelt, a Texas Tidal Wave, a Dothan Dangler.”
“What’s that?”
“You mean to tell me you’ve never heard of a Kentucky Neckwarmer? A Floridian Fun Flap? A Missouri Compromise?”
“She’s right,” said another stylist. “Your hair is a full-fledged mullet.”
A girl named LaShanda held my long rat-tail and said, “I’ve never seen one up close before.”
“Yep,” said Jessica, holding a handheld mirror behind my head. “Business up front, party in the back.”
Of course this explains a lot. When I first got this haircut three months ago, I knew something was wrong. I got it in Huntsville, Alabama. I drove…