Christmas Dogs

This is going to be glorious. You can feel it. You might write your best stuff ever today.

You are a writer. You open your laptop. You’re inspired today.

This means you might write something profound that will change the way you see the world, life, and the nature of love. But then you suddenly realize that this can never happen.

Because you have dogs.

You can’t write today because you can’t concentrate. The dogs are making too much noise, scratching at the back door.

So you let them outside.

When you get back to your keyboard, you sit to write something.

This is going to be glorious. You can feel it. You might write your best stuff ever today.

You’ve already got the story. You’re going to write about an elderly veteran you interviewed in Georgia, who has dozens of miniature American flags in his front yard. Now THAT’S a good story, and in it you’ll include—

Scratching.

Just forget about the noise and keep writing.

Scratching.

Pay no attention to them. Focus, Grasshopper.

Scratching.

You let the dogs inside.

They bound indoors and begin to play so hard they knock over a coffee table. Then, even though your Labrador is fully neutered, he becomes so overcome with romantic feelings he attempts a marital act upon your bloodhound.

Your bloodhound sprints to the back door with a love-crazed miniature Lab riding piggyback on her hindparts. A brawl ensues.

So you let them outside.

Finally. Peace and quiet.

You place your fingers onto the keyboard, but you can’t remember what you were going to write about.

Think, man.

“Hey, I’ve got it,” you say. “I’ll write about the leather chair in the corner.”

Granted, it’s not the most inspired idea you’ve ever had, but maybe it will work.

After all, that chair has memories. It was your mother’s. You remember when she used to sit and read her Bible in it when you were a boy. You remember how you’d find her in the chair, late at night, asleep, waiting for you to get home from a date. You’d cover her with a quilt before going to bed and you’d—

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

You ignore the sound.

Let’s see where were we? Ah, yes. Late at night, you’d cover her with a—

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

You let the heathens inside.

They wrestle so hard they knock over the Christmas tree and set fire to the living room rug. You clean up their mess. You duct tape your wife’s damaged throw pillows.

You sit down to write again.

Now. What were we writing about again? A chair.

Really? Why would anyone write about a dumb chair? Nevermind, let’s start over.

Let’s write about when you discovered Santa Claus wasn’t real.

It was a black day when that happened. True, you were in seventh grade when you had this shocking realization about Saint Nick. But to be fair, your parents were very good liars.

After all, Santa came to your house on multiple occasions. In fact, you had your picture taken with him in your OWN KITCHEN. Sure, Santa smelled like beer and talked a lot like your father’s best friend, Ben. But the fact is, Santa will remain forever dear to the rapturous spirit of—

Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch.

“SHUT UP!” you yell.

Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch.

You let them inside.

They wrestle. They are chasing one another through the house. Your Labrador tries to run between your legs but rams into you so hard that you hear something in your knee crack. You fall face forward into your wife’s nativity scene, spilling scented candle wax on yourself.

You send them outside.

You sit down with an ice pack on your knee.

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

“GO AWAY!” you yell.

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

“YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DOGS, YOU’RE ADOPTED!”

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

You let them inside.

They play so hard they knock over your laptop, puncture a hole in your couch, then steal your wallet and max out your credit cards. Soon, they are behind the Christmas tree. The Labrador is once again overcome with sudden urges of romance.

You throw them outside.

Your home is wrecked, there is tinsel everywhere, a puddle of vomit is on the carpet, eight miles of toilet paper unfurled in your living room, and someone pooped in the kitchen.

Scratch, scratch.

You let them in. You are about to scold them but you don’t have the heart.

And in a few moments they are asleep on your lap. Their faces are angelic, they are breathing heavy. They are the most beautiful things you’ve ever seen.

So, you QUIETLY open your laptop. Maybe now you can get some writing done. You stare at a blank screen for ten minutes.

Before you can type a word, a sleeping dog places his rear on your laptop keyboard and writes:

4IIIIIEE@@@@0eirja osdkjf owiejrmoiwe jrcwyr9n2cu oisjflksd ofnuiw&W#YRI UWCHFKJSHFiu @I$hwe98ry9 48ry!

So you shut your laptop.

You fall asleep while petting them. You decide to write another day.

Because you have dogs.

35 comments

  1. Dru - December 5, 2018 7:19 am

    A barn. You have to get a barn.

    Reply
  2. Cathi - December 5, 2018 8:09 am

    Quite familiar with the problem! But when they’re asleep and cuddly, you’ll forgive them all but the most heinous acts because nothing is sweeter when it wants to be like a snoring Bloodhound…or in my case, a Basset Hound. I think Thelma Lou, Otis, Barney & his sister Annie are cleverly disguised two year olds who know just how far to push us. It’s 2am so mine are presently asleep and are at their most darling. One false move, however, and it will be “A Night at the Races” and sleeping will be an afterthought. I’ll say good night & great post! ❤

    Reply
  3. Estelle Davis - December 5, 2018 9:23 am

    I had to choice. I had to laugh. I have a dog. I have always had a dog. At one time I had two small children and a dog. Pandemonium ensued. Then I put them to bed and as they sleep they look like angels. Dog included. Peace ! !

    Reply
  4. Kelly - December 5, 2018 10:30 am

    Your Labrador runs between your knees…happens at least once a day at my house! Most of the time he stops with his rear end sticking out so I’m forced to scratch his back! I know what he wants but guests usually aren’t so thrilled with this behavior😊. They are one of God’s greatest creations.

    Reply
  5. Marlo Kirkpatrick - December 5, 2018 11:45 am

    I am also a writer and Sean, I’m afraid I have you beat. I have FOUR dogs. 🙂

    Reply
  6. Jean - December 5, 2018 11:54 am

    All of us pet owners can identify with your predicament. I have had both dogs and now cats. They want in…they want out…they fight…run thru the house like horses. Yep Sean we know…forge on and continue to make us laugh about it!

    Reply
  7. Delynn Roberts - December 5, 2018 12:02 pm

    I believed in Santa until the 7th grade too. It was really tough for my 2 older sisters & my younger brother, who figured it out in kindergarten, to keep it a secret. Merry Christmas🎄🌠

    Reply
  8. Joyce Mullikin - December 5, 2018 12:10 pm

    😂😂😂😂Thanks for starting my day with a laugh. What you have there is priceless.

    Reply
  9. Edna B. - December 5, 2018 12:36 pm

    Joyce is right. Your doggies and their antics are priceless. My little Pogo is rather well behaved, but when he wants to cuddle and play, he does everything he can to take my attention away from what I am doing. I always give in. Why not? Those little cuddles and huggies are worth all the gold in the world. You have a great day, hugs, Edna B.

    Reply
  10. Rebecca from Columbiana, AL - December 5, 2018 12:39 pm

    🤪😱😂 This is hilarious but so true and it is the same with cats except the part about letting them outside! 😱
    I am a cat lover but my younger brother is a dog person! Even I cannot resist petting his two dogs after looking into those chocolate brown eyes! They come to my house for dog treats and guard my house from my deck when my brother is gone.
    I know our pets are angels with fur because they truly make us laugh, comfort us when we cry and stand by us when we need them! Pets truly are some of God’s Miracles! God bless and Merry Christmas to you, your awesome wife and your two hyper pups! 🙏🏻

    Reply
  11. Patty Dickson - December 5, 2018 12:50 pm

    Loved the story. Currently my basset is whining to get back on the couch that she has kept off of twice already. She weighs 65 pounds and is eleven. I have to boost her up and I am 78.
    My second dog has put himself in her spot! I am trying to drink my coffee and wake up. I love them both and this is what keeps them alive!

    Reply
  12. Susan Swiderski - December 5, 2018 12:51 pm

    Boy, does this piece ever hit home. A houseful of pets… and kiddos… has a way of making dreams of a Pulitzer prize go up in smoke. Now, after nearly fifty years of marriage, all we have left is a pair of very “helpful” cats, but ya know what? I wouldn’t trade any of it. A Pulitzer can’t curl up on your lap. (Hmmm, I may have to name our next cat or dog Pulitzer…)

    Reply
  13. Nancy Hall - December 5, 2018 1:25 pm

    Made me smile BIG. Needed that…. thanks!

    Reply
  14. Suzanne Russell - December 5, 2018 1:33 pm

    Laughing out loud here, Sean. Because I have dogs.

    Reply
  15. Toni Tucker Locke - December 5, 2018 1:46 pm

    Children might bring the same interruptions except that most can enter and exit the door at will. I’m glad you love your fur children so much. = )

    Reply
  16. Rita - December 5, 2018 2:12 pm

    Nothing like our “puppy children”. Mine are older and graying but still like to chase each other through the house and get into mischief. Love your stories and your sweet spirit!!

    Reply
  17. Jess Rawls - December 5, 2018 2:16 pm

    I only have one dog, but she tries to pull that same stunt on me…..let me out, let me in, let me out again. I’ve told her I don’t play that game. I let her outside for 30-45 minutes if it’s a nice day, then I let her back inside and then I make her wait awhile before I let her back outside. I have to establish the rules, not her. She’s as bad as a three-year old child in that regard. But I do love my dog and wouldn’t want to be without her.

    Reply
  18. Jack Darnell - December 5, 2018 2:42 pm

    I actually think you are crazy. but than that is only one opinion on one day. Most days you seem fairly sane. LOL Good one.
    Sherry & jack

    Reply
  19. Liz Watkins - December 5, 2018 2:50 pm

    Lol!!! Merry Christmas Sean🎅🏻🤶🌲🎅🏻🤶🌲🌟✨🌟✨🌟✨🌟

    Reply
  20. Roy Parker - December 5, 2018 3:00 pm

    Have you ever considered a doggy door??? Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  21. Shelton Armour - December 5, 2018 3:02 pm

    Ahhh, the joy of dogs. Still wouldn’t trade mine in (any of them, ever). Thanks for a good laugh.

    Reply
  22. Janet Mary Lee - December 5, 2018 3:57 pm

    I had to replant and move every thing I owned from inside my fence to my larger property outside the fence because I would come home to find everything strewn or uprooted from my only dog May. She can be crazier than when I had my four together who all passed from old age not long ago. ( and within months of each other. Proper spacing is recommended because that was tough!). I have a sign by the door that says “Agenda for the day: let the dog in… let the dog out….Let the dogs in..” And I even have a doggie door, in another location!!! But trade their love and loyalty ever? No way!! I loved your hilarious post, and I love Jamie who loves ya’lls dogs!! Love at it’s best!!

    Reply
  23. Brett Campbell - December 5, 2018 4:07 pm

    This, my friend, is hilarious. And reminds me of every furry bundle of hellfire and joy I’ve ever had. Thanks for this.

    Reply
  24. Patricia Gibson - December 5, 2018 6:49 pm

    That is soooo funny and so true!

    Reply
  25. Shelly - December 5, 2018 8:48 pm

    I am a photographer and used to work from my home office…and this sir, was my life! Now I have an office separate from home….but dang if I can’t sit on the couch and eat cereal for dessert at 9:00pm in peace….because of them dang dogs!

    Reply
  26. Holly P - December 5, 2018 8:57 pm

    My husband didn’t want a dog. But I did so we have an English Bulldog puppy named Betty. Husband works from home so he ‘gets’ to stay with Betty all day while I am at work. He complains, but secretly loves the dog as much as I do. He just won’t admit it. Maybe I will say ‘hi’ to husband first tonight when I get home – if he can beat Betty to me, which he probably won’t.

    Reply
  27. Dottie - December 5, 2018 10:31 pm

    Thanks for the laughs. That one was hilarious! I can just picture you and that makes it even better.

    Reply
  28. Jennifer Feist - December 6, 2018 12:00 am

    My best birthday gift I ever got was a dog door.

    Reply
  29. Alice - December 6, 2018 12:31 am

    Another wonderful story about your fur babies yes they can be annoying but could not imagine our life without them!thanks Sean I so love your stories and I love you❤️Merry Christmas God Bless you❤️

    Reply
  30. Kathy Coxwell - December 6, 2018 12:31 am

    We have 4 in the house, and 2 cats. I feel your pain.

    Reply
  31. Helen - December 6, 2018 2:46 am

    I read your post, I rarely comment. However, this evening I just about soiled myself – I laughed so hard. I have two females that exhibit all you wrote about today… And I love them. Helen in Ark.

    Reply
  32. Mary K. Burgess - December 6, 2018 3:25 am

    Dogs are the very best. My 2 dogs have given me more love than I can imagine in a lifetime.

    Reply
  33. Mary Ellen Hall - December 6, 2018 12:02 pm

    I can SO RELATE to this story Sean!! My husband & I have a 90 lb. Chocolate Lab, who DEFINITELY is the BOSS of our home!!
    However, she is the LOVE OF OUR LIFE, & we would NOT CHANGE A THING!!!
    GREAT STORY!!!
    Mary Ellen

    Reply
  34. Melanie - December 6, 2018 5:22 pm

    I needed this one today – thank you Sean and puppies!! XD

    Reply
  35. Merry - December 7, 2018 10:35 pm

    That is so perfect! Our job in retirement became “let dog in – let dog out”!

    Reply

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