DEAR SEAN:

When are you going to finally use your platform to comment on what is happening in this country? This country is being threatened and you stand silent like a spineless little [deleted].

I hope your God will forgive you on judgement day for keeping your mouth shut when you could affect change.

Thanks,

PISSED-OFF-IN-AMERICA.

DEAR PISSED:

Thanks for the email. You sound like a sweetheart. I imagine you’re fun at neighborhood barbecues, too.

I believe, however, I detected a somewhat negative tone to your message.

I could be wrong about this. Perhaps the term “spineless little [female canine]” is a positive term where you come from. Maybe it’s even a term of affection. Maybe when you kiss your husband goodnight you wrinkle your nose and endearingly say, “Goodnight, you spineless little…” So sweet.

As it happens, I love female canines. I happen to have two at home. Although they are not “spineless.” And, tragically, they are definitely not “little.” One of these female dogs is about the size of a mature Shetland pony and yet sincerely believes she was designed to be a lap dog.

Also, she drools. Her drool is a highly sticky substance, much like day-old mucus, only less appetizing. Whenever she gets hungry, saliva leaks out of her jowls, forming long tendrils, reaching toward the floor. Then, she will spontaneously shake herself dry, thereby flinging massive strands of gelatinous drool globs all over bystanders’ clothes and body so that it looks like they have just finished swimming in a giant vat of human phlegm. I wish you two could meet.

Even so, I’ve been thinking about your message ever since I received it. And I got to thinking about what you said.

Then I got to thinking about how wonderfully lucky I am that you would even take the time to email me, of all people. Seriously. I’m honored. Out of all the things you could have done with your day, out of all the important things you have going on, you chose to email some guy you’ve never met.

That makes me feel pretty fortunate. No. Blessed. This makes me feel very blessed.

Still, do you know who is MOST blessed, in my humble, but female-canine opinion? Do you know which people I think are the most blessed individuals on this planet? I’ll tell you:

The poor in spirit. They are extremely blessed. And blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Also, blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the entire earth.

And blessed are they which hunger and thirst after righteousness: for I believe they will someday, somehow receive their fill.

Oh, and blessed are the merciful folks: for they will find mercy.

And the pure in heart, those people are SUPER blessed. For they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

And blessed are you, dear reader, when people shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely. You should rejoice, and be exceedingly glad, for in the same way they persecuted a lot of incredible humans who came before you.

And, of course, blessed are the dogs.

Thanks for the email.