Things my grandfather used to say:
Be nice; because if you’re not being nice, what are you being?
Don’t cut in line. Don’t interrupt. Don’t pout. Never, ever take the last biscuit.
Smile, it increases your face value.
The wise man knoweth how to dumb it down.
You can’t think your way into the right action, but you can act your way into the right thinking.
Try your hardest, do your absolute best, and when all else fails, cuss.
Always obey your mother when she is around.
Everyone should pee in his own backyard at least once.
Listen to the elderly, they’re smarter than you. Unless they are men.
Treat other people the way you want to be treated. If the Golden Rule were actually practiced today, there would be no karaoke bars.
You never know what a consummate ass you can be until you give someone else advice.
Never judge a Denny’s menu by the photographs.
Let him who is without sin throw the first boomerang.
Whenever something stinks, check your own diaper first.
Don’t point fingers unless you’re standing in front of a mirror.
Always, always, always trust your gut.
Tomorrow is a day with no mistakes in it, but you’ll change all that.
Be nice to kids, one day they’ll be running your nursing home.
When in doubt, do it the way your wife told you.
Never pass up an opportunity to hold a baby.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she is wrong.
‘Fess up when you mess up. Admit when you’re wrong. Don’t gloat when you’re right. And above all, don’t act like you know everything. Know-it-alls make life so incredibly difficult for those of us who actually do.
Change your oil before you think it needs to be changed.
Quit watching the news for 72 hours and just see how you feel.
Doctors don’t know everything. Neither do preachers. Neither do granddaddies.
Your heart knows a lot more than you give it credit.
Life is too short to work for bosses who treat you like crap.
Make a resolution to rid yourself of all bad habits, you can start with perfectionism.
Never, ever be lazy unless you absolutely feel like it.
Always bury politicians at least six feet below the soil, because deep down they’re good people.
Everyone is screwed up. The only ones who aren’t screwed up live in graveyards.
If you love someone, love them hard. If you hate someone, love them even harder.
There is nothing half as exciting as canceled plans.
If you’re hogging all the credit, you’re going to hog all the blame, too.
This is not the end.
Neither was that.
Ninety-nine percent of the things you worry about will never happen.
If you really want to believe in God, you already do.
Always listen to your grandparents. And if you don’t have any, then you can always listen to mine.