The following reader-submitted letters have been edited to be family friendly.
READER FROM PENNSYLVANIA: You seem like a nice person, but I keep trying to figure out whether you are a true follower of Jesus or not. Can you tell me if you are, please? At this stage of my life, I ONLY want to surround myself with strong Christians.
ME: What about drunkards and tax collectors? I’m probably not your kind of guy.
READER FROM MICHIGAN: Sean, I can’t stand your writing. You are a clueless mother trucker. You think this world is a great place, but you’re wrong. The truth is we are all in serious trouble. I was in law enforcement for 29 years and I’ve seen the worst of the worst. Watch the news once in a while. Quit turning a blind eye and grow up.
ME: What is a mother trucker?
READER FROM ALABAMA: Dear Sean, I can’t figure out if you’re religious or not. I wish I knew where you stand on Jesus because I’m afraid you’ve rejected Him as your personal Lord and savior. If you have indeed turned your back on our savior, I want you to know that I’m praying for you.
ME: “Savior” should be capitalized.
READER FROM WEST VIRGINIA: Your haircut is outdated, Sean. You look pretty unkempt with all that hair. No offense, I just wanted you to know.
ME: Thank you for not calling me fat.
READER FROM MONTANA: Why do you consistently use fragment sentences? I was an English teacher for 37 years. I always penalized students for using fragments when they should have been using commas.
ME: I offer my. Sincerest. Apologies. Ma’am.
READER FROM NEW JERSEY: Dear Sean, you have taken several pot shots at New Jersey over the years and it makes me so mad I’ve quit reading you. I grew up in New Jersey, so has my entire family. I’ve raised an entire family here, and we’ve only been broken into four times in my whole life. Have you even been to the Garden State? If not, I just wanted to invite you to New Jersey, personally. It’s a very safe place, Consumer Affairs just ranked New Jersey the safest state in the U.S. Please don’t be afraid to visit, you have a very miniscule chance of actually getting killed here.
ME: You ought to write tourism brochures.
READER FROM ALASKA: I grew up in Alabama, and I miss home. People make fun of me because whenever they hear me talk. Why do people make fun of us, can you tell me?
ME: Because whenever we talk about mechanical buttons we say “mash” instead of “push.”
READER FROM GEORGIA: Dear Sean, I have been reading you for several years, and I am just being honest, but I get tired of reading all the dramatic missives about your father. We get it, he died tragically. You were a tortured little boy. You’ve talked about it enough. Please don’t get offended, but why do you write about your father so much?
ME: The answer is because I don’t know enough to write about your father.
READER FROM MISSISSIPPI: I live in a nursing home, and yesterday, a lady who lives here came to breakfast in the cafeteria without her shirt on. She was hanging out all over the place and the funny thing is, nobody even said anything about it. The nurses just came to her quietly and placed a robe over her boobs and we all just kept eating. I thought that was a story you’d like.
ME: Dear reader. What time is breakfast tomorrow?
READER IN WISCONSIN: I am a 73-year-old woman, and my grandson just committed suicide. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it and this is why I am reaching out to you because you have dealt with suicide before and I don’t know who to talk to.
ME: I know nothing about suicide except that I have survived it. The one thing I can tell you is that talking about it is the thing you need to do the most, but also the thing you want to do the least. Write me any time.
READER IN TENNESSEE: My mom introduced me to your work. I am a published author, and have been in the game for almost 40 years. As a friend, I wand to ask you to quit volleying for likes and engagement and playing a social-media game, because it’s not real writing. Please don’t confuse yourself with a real writer if you’re just going to post on social media.
READER IN OHIO: i am in prison. i feel forgottin up in here and so do all us guys. Thank you for your daily things cause i like them. i am writing to you through my chaplin, because you sound like my kind of guy.
ME: Dear reader, I am your kind of guy.