Will the Old Folks’ Club & Elderly Persons With Ridiculously Expensive Hearing Aids Society meeting now come to order? Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is a privilege to welcome this evening’s keynote speaker to our podium. He is 94 years young, his name is Jon. Let’s give him a rousing round of applause.
Sustained applause. A few cat calls.
“Good evening, friends, constituents, and esteemed members who are still awake. My name is Jon, and I am pleased to be addressing the Old Folks’ Club & Elderly Persons With Ridiculously Expensive Hearing Aids Society tonight.
“I’d first like to thank your chairman for inviting me. I’d like to also thank the Methodist ladies group for providing the extremely tiny crustless cucumber finger sandwiches. Let’s all give them a hand.”
“Tonight I have a story to share. My tale begins when I was a much younger man of seven. I can hardly remember back that far.
“I had a nice childhood. I liked playing marbles, I was active in neighborhood baseball games, I loved Mallo Cups.
Sadly, at my current age I can’t eat candy anymore, and I have yet to relocate my marbles.
“When the Great Depression came along—I don’t have to remind you how hard it was—life changed more for some of us than others.
“In my family we were helpless. There was nothing to be done. My dad lost his job, my mom lost hers. Me and my little brother, Skeeter, didn’t know how bad it was, except that we were eating a lotta cabbage soup.
“My parents started falling behind on house payments. They began taking whatever jobs they could, but each month things got worse. Our water got shut off. Then we had no electricity, and Skeeter and I weren’t getting along because he was a boob.
“Anyway, my dad started working for a grocery store and delivering groceries and such. The money stunk,…