Birmingham, Alabama—I’m eating a hamburger at a bar. The men on stools beside me are shouting over each other. There are seven of them, all wearing nice suits.

They are from New Jersey.

Our bartender’s name is Mandy. The New Jersey men are asking Mandy about various Southern expressions.

Mandy knows a thing or two about regional dialect. She has a thick accent, deep lines on her face, and she’s got more country expressions than Carter has liver pills.

Mandy comes from Sylacauga, which is home to such American treasures as: Jim Nabors (Gomer Pyle); Bill Todd (world’s lowest gospel-singing bass voice); and Ann Hodges (first woman in U.S. history to be struck by a nine-pound meteorite while taking a nap).

“Is it true?” New Jersey asks Mandy. “That you Southerners say ‘bless your heart’ to stupid people?”

Well, yes and no.

“Bless your heart” was once a common phrase uttered by anyone from Granny to Andy Griffith. But somewhere along life’s way, it got ruined by People Magazine, chain-email jokes, and Paula Deen.

“Yeah, we say it,” Mandy points out. “But most of the time, I’d rather say something like: ‘Ain’t he precious?’”

Which, when translated literally, means: “That poor man must’ve been exposed to lead paint during infancy.”

Many expressions in the South involve the weather. Here, we hold deep affection for the heat index.

One New Jersey man shouts: “I know a country expression about the weather: ‘SWEATING LIKE A HOG IN CHURCH!’”

Mandy rolls her eyes.

“Nope,” Mandy points out. “That ain’t how it goes. It goes: ‘Sweat’n like a WHORE in church.”

The New Jerseyans laugh hysterically.

Thus, Mandy teaches these men various regional expressions, free of charge. They listen and marvel at how many different ways a Sylacaugian like her can say something as simple as: “It’s hot outside.”

—“It’s hotter’n Hades.” A…

Oxford, Alabama—I am in the car. I am sipping a coffee. And I am waiting to take a stage and entertain a bunch of good-hearted people.

I have ten minutes until showtime.

And I love you.

Admittedly, I don’t know WHY I love you. Because chances are, we’ve never met. But I DO love you. And I guess you could say that I’m only passing it on. Because that’s what you do with love. You don’t keep it in your pocket.

See, once I was once a kid who looked out a bedroom window at acres of sadness. After my father departed this world, it took two decades to find myself. I didn’t know if I ever would.

I was a drifting soul. I’ve had a hundred grunt jobs, and a hundred more, and not a single job paid over a few bucks per hour. I was a blue collar nothing. You would’ve walked past me in Walmart and never remembered my face.

At big gatherings, I was the

man who sort of blended into the upholstery. I am a high-school dropout, a person who once felt like a waste of cosmic space.

A man who would usually find himself in the kitchen after a family event, doing dishes because that’s where I felt I belonged.

I don’t know. Anyway, I felt unloved, unwanted, unseen, un-special, un-smart. For the largest piece of my life, I wondered if anyone gave a damn about me at all. And if they did, I wondered why.

Growing up, it seemed like other kids had more important things to do than worry about love. Most were interested in sports, girls, fast vehicles, beer, or combining all four of the aforementioned.

So I didn’t believe in love. I thought it was a made-up idea. And a cruel one at that. But I was wrong. Because somewhere along the way,…

The sun is shining in Montgomery. The river is a mirror. The sky is cloudless. The downtown couldn’t look better if it were gold plated.

I’m a sentimental little thing. I make it a point to visit Hank Williams at his perch, overlooking Montgomery when I’m in town. Today, there was a blue jay sitting on his head, that has to be a good sign.

My wife and I are only passing through town for an early supper. We are on the road for three weeks, living in our old Dodge Durango.

And I’ll tell you the truth, I’m in heaven. I could be on the road forever, eating from coolers, watching sunsets, making new friends.

We’ve had this Dodge for years. The old girl is running ragged, but she’s a special vehicle.

Long ago, I bought this old thing from a newspaper ad. My wife needed a car in a bad way. We’d been sharing my truck for a whole summer—which wasn’t all that bad.

Our workdays all went

the same: she would drop me off at my job, then head to work. At the end of the day, I’d stand by the curb with a lunchbox. Mama Bear would arrive. I’d jump in.

Then, we would drive to the local Pizza Hut.

Pizza Hut was our place. Back then, it still had an all-you-can-eat grease buffet. My friend, Matt, worked behind the counter.

In another life, Matt and I were friends. As younger men, we would entertain ourselves by driving secluded beach roads after dark. We would search for stranded tourists whose vehicles were stuck in the sand.

We’d hook chains to their axles and save the day. Some folks offered to pay us, but we refused money. And we used unnaturally deep voices on the off-chance we might impress any girls in the area.

That’s how Matt met…

He’s good to my mother. And in my book, that qualifies him for Catholic sainthood.

You’d like him. He has a silver mustache, blue eyes, works with his hands, and when he talks he sounds like Birmingham.

The first time we met was at his home in the sticks of Mossy Head, Florida. My mother sat on the sofa, watching us sip beer and talk baseball. She smiled—she smiles a lot when she’s around him. We hit it off.

Later that night, my mother told me, “I think I might love Mike.”

I looked at my five-foot-two mother and my eyes got blurry. For twenty years after my father left this world on purpose, my mother wouldn’t even date a Dorito. She’d sworn off love altogether.

Instead, she worked. She served food, cleaned houses, or threw newspapers. There was no time for anything but raising kids.

After my baby sister left home, my mother became seriously ill. It felt like the greatest tragedy of the twenty-first century.

I visited her in Atlanta and hugged her frail body. The Emory Doctors forecasted the worst, and I cried for weeks.

But the worst did not happen. She got better. It was a genuine miracle. In fact, I considered it to be the biggest miracle I’d ever seen.

But I was wrong. Heaven was only warming up. Because then she met him.

He built a sewing room for her in his house. There, she quilted, knitted, and used her old Singer sewing machine like she’d done long ago. My mother can sew the pants off the Pope.

They made a life together. She decorated his place; he built her a fire pit. She adopted stray cats; he worked outside.

He’s a quiet man—he won’t speak too loud. And this makes him very different from the hot tempered man who raised me.

And he…

Yesterday, I was digging through boxes in the garage. The boxes were covered in dust. I found things I didn’t even know I owned. A fondue pot, for instance. Brand new. Just what every man of the modern age needs.

I found our wedding photos, too. I had to sit down to look at those.

In one photo, I’m cutting a cake while the woman on my arm is laughing, holding her belly. Young Me is watching her.

I remember exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking the same thing I’m thinking now:

“I like making this woman laugh.”

Easier said than done. She doesn’t know how to fake laugh. It’s not in her. In fact, she doesn’t laugh unless something is worth dying over.

And if you’re lucky enough to see her get tickled—big “if”—the first thing she’ll do is hold her stomach. And IF you can get this woman to clutch her stomach, your life has been worth it.

I also found a certificate

in one of the boxes. The thing was covered in plastic, with my name written on it. My college degree.

I was a grown man when I went to college. It took me eleven years to finish. The only reason I completed was because this woman believed I could.

Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m her sidekick or if she is mine.

Either way, she is a woman who does too much. She works too hard, she loves harder. She has quirks, too. And nobody knows them like me.

For example: she cannot fall asleep without an assortment of machinery.

In her arsenal is a foam wedge (for her lower back); a heating pad (for her cold nature); a mouthguard (she grinds her teeth at night); a sound machine (apparently I snore); earplugs (apparently I am not an amatuer snorer); an eye…

The smell of barbecued ribs is in the air. I am with a friend who knows his ribs. His father taught him everything he knows.

My friend can also handle more beer than I can—he can drink several, back-to-back, without spontaneously bursting into “Louie Louie.”

We were good friends once, but we lost touch a long time ago.

I liked his father, who was a natural teacher. For example: his father taught me how to change the oil in my truck when I was a younger man.

He also attempted to teach me to throw a football—which is on the large list of things I never learned. Also on the list: water skiing, pronouncing “Worcestershire,” parallel parking, making my bed, earning a living.

My friend’s father is here today. He is white-haired and shaky. He has Alzheimer’s. He is not the man who once showed me to throw a spiral in his yard. In fact, he doesn’t remember me.

He’s holding a beer can.

My friend says: “It’s non-alcoholic beer. We replaced it

with fake beer. It makes him feel like old times to hold a can. We hope it jars a memory.”

The old man sits in a chair between us. His language is a mixture of gibberish and one-liner jokes, and he ends every sentence with “Inallmylife.”

When he starts talking, it’s impossible to understand him.

“Whositwasasittlemershimackinpillowhapper…” he chuckles. “Inallmylife.”

We all laugh—we know by the tone of his old voice that he’s telling a joke. And you always laugh at punchlines, even if you don’t understand them.

My friend answers, “Oh yessir,” to almost everything his father says. And this suits his father just fine. Any response will do.

“Listenlistenlistentome,” his father begins. “Wasabackinnineteenerother…”

“Yessir.”

“...AnshesaidtomeIwasadoosiebut…”

“Oh, yessir.”

“Philorandaosamerjonathan…”

“Yessir, Dad. That’s right.”

“Inallmylife.”

And so it goes.

The old man sits…

I’d like to make my mama proud. That’s one of my main goals in this world. If I’ve made her proud, well, then I’ve really done something.

My mother, you see, is the kind of woman who taught me how to be nice, and how to have manners.

Long ago, she would make me sit with my cousin, Myrtle, at covered dish socials, so Myrtle wouldn’t be sitting alone. Mama would say things like: “Be polite, and make sure you ask your cousin how her baton twirling is coming along.”

Admittedly, Myrtle was about as interesting as watching ditchwater evaporate. But like I said, I want my mama to be proud.

Maybe I should back up and tell you where all this is coming from.

Earlier this week, I spent some time with people who were—how do I put this— not very nice. Now, they weren’t MEAN people, per se, but you don’t have to be “mean” to be un-nice.

I hope I am never an un-nice person. What would Mama think?

Mama is a woman who says things like: “Don’t talk about yourself too much, it’s like passing gas in an elevator; people will smile, but they don’t mean it.

And: “Be a good listener, your ears will never get you in trouble.”

I don’t aspire to much in this life, but I know that I want to be the kind of man who listens.

Also, I want to be the kind of man who dogs follow for no reason. I want to be the guy who does magic tricks for toddlers.

I want to go around reminding teenagers how important they are. I want to listen to the jokes old men tell when their wives aren’t around.

I want to hear long stories on porches, and I want to be the first to respond: “Well, I Suwannee.”

A good Suwannee…

Dan Lovette became an usher at the Baptist church on Easter Sunday, March 26th, 1961. He stood at the door shaking hands, passing out bulletins.

Nobody knew Dan.

Weeks earlier, Pastor Lovette had introduced Dan as his older brother.

Dan was a tall man with a soft voice, and rough skin. He wore a brown suit that was too small. He hardly spoke.

He sat on the front row during sermons. After service, he smoked cigarettes behind the church. People asked the pastor questions about Dan, but he was quiet when it came to his older brother.

Over the years, folks saw a lot of Dan Lovette. He could be seen pushing a mower, changing the church sign, painting clapboards, passing out bulletins on Sundays, or cleaning the sanctuary on Mondays.

Dan lived in a back room of the church. His earthly belongings were: a cot, a hot plate, a coffee pot, a transistor radio, a shaving kit, and one brown suit.

Nobody

can forget the Sunday that the pastor announced he would be baptising Dan after service.

This surprised people. Most thought it was strange that the pastor’s own brother had never been baptized.

Even so, sixty-four church members stood near the creek, watching the tall man wade into shallow water behind his younger brother.

It was a simple ordeal. Down Dan went; up he came. Applause. Bring on the banana pudding.

But life was not all pudding and baptisms. In 1974, tragedy hit the church. The pastor was in a car accident on his way home from Montgomery, doctors thought he’d had a stroke while driving.

Dan sat beside his brother’s hospital bed without sleep or food. He lived in a hospital room.

The next Sunday, Dan Lovette took the pulpit with tired eyes. It was a hushed room. It was the first time any members of…

Easter weekend—I met someone I’ll call Rebecca. She is mid-forties, smart, has a good job, and is newly engaged. She’s in town visiting her mother.

Rebecca’s biological parents died when she was two. Her grandmother started raising her, but died when Rebecca was five. Then, her uncle took her in. He overdosed and died the next year.

Talk about a string of tragedies. Rebecca would’ve gone into a foster care system, but she didn’t. The neighbors across the street adopted her. An elderly couple.

Rebecca says: “I remember riding on my dad’s lap when he was mowing the lawn. I was little, we were still getting to know each other...”

Seven-year-old Rebecca shouted above the noise of the lawnmower, “Thanks for being my dad!”

Her father turned the tractor off and said, “I don’t ever wanna hear you thank me again. A daughter doesn’t have to thank her dad for being her dad.”

Rebecca smiled at me. “I miss him every day.”

Earlier today, I was at the grocery store. There were three

men in line with tattoos on their forearms and necks. One man had a tattoo of a snake on his bald head.

The snake’s eyes seemed to follow me when I moved—sort of like the creepy painting my aunt Eulah has of Dale Earnhardt Jr., hanging in her den.

These men are former inmates. They are buying cartfuls of spare ribs for a cookout with other former-inmate friends.

“We’re not an organized group,” one man said. “We just try to have fun and be there for each other.”

This weekend, they’ll celebrate Easter, play guitars, play games, and talk. Then they’ll have a short class on how to operate cellphones.

“You wouldn’t believe how hard these @#$%ing phones are, man. Lot of us were still in when they got so popular. Some of us don’t know how to use’em.”…

It’s Easter season in the South. The dogwoods are blooming. The azaleas are pink enough to take your breath away. The pollen is sending people to the ER.

I’m covering the arrival of Easter, and it’s big in the Southeastern United States. Here, the world comes unglued. This is the time of year when small country churches get so many visitors, cars have to park on the lawn.

Sometimes, the excitement is too much for local pastors to bear.

Last year, for instance, Pastor Jeremy Parker of Greene County, Tennessee, made Easter memorable for his congregation. He decided to preach a sermon while dressed like the risen Savior.

He wore a long white robe which his wife had sewn, and carried a shepherd’s staff.

His assistant pastor wanted to take things a step further. He masked the sanctuary windows with black paper and pointed a spotlight on the pastor to better portray the splendor of the risen Lord.

On Easter morning, the church was packed—standing room only. The

lights went off, the church went dark. The spotlight hit Pastor Jeremy and—I’m sorry to say—his paper-thin tunic became semi-transparent.

The children of Israel could see his outline beneath the robe. And everyone knew without a doubt that the pastor did not believe in underpants.

Now, if Pastor Jeremy would’ve attempted this in, say, Ann Arbor, Michigan, they would’ve hauled him away to a padded cell. But this was not Michigan.

Pilgrim’s Primitive Baptist, in Dallas County, is going to bring livestock into their sanctuary this Easter. I spoke to a deacon about it.

“We originally wanted lambs,” said Albert Dillard. “And we were gonna have a donkey, too, since Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey.”

Albert made some phone calls, but no luck. Nobody had lambs. No donkeys, either.

But all was not lost. Albert was able to secure several…