It’s weird. Standing on this stage. In this arena. I’m looking at a thousand faces. Many of them are about to be college graduates. And they’re all looking back at me so hopefully, so full of wonder, so wide-eyed and eager, as if to say, “I hope this idiot’s speech isn’t too long.”

Right now, I am making a commencement speech at Northwest Florida State College. I am wearing a suit. Also deodorant. Everyone is sitting in the basketball arena, clad in big robes and flat hats, staring directly at me. I believe many of the graduates are also wearing deodorant.

Most of the graduates are young. Their parents are present, quietly reading through their programs as I speak. Scanning the alphabetical list of graduates' names printed on the program. I can see many parents are just now realizing how many graduate names are on the program today. If, by chance, someone’s last name is, for example, “Williams,” or “Zimmerman,” these people will be stuck in

this arena until the installation of the next pope.

Funny thing. This basketball arena wasn’t here when I attended the school, long ago, shortly after the end of the Spanish-American War. Back before most of these graduates were born.

Northwest Florida State wasn’t even called that. We were Okaloosa-Walton Community College back then. We were just a couple outdated brick buildings, some double-wide trailers, and a drinking fountain that didn’t work.

I attended this school as an adult. On a whim, I walked into Admissions Building C, and I told the ladies behind the desk that I wanted to go to college. I told them I was a middle-school dropout. I told them I had quit school in the seventh grade after my father died.

I told them we were poor folks. My mother lived in a FEMA trailer. I drove a vehicle that predated the Carter Administration.…

I’ve been receiving lots of urgent emails. “Where are your stories on Facebook, Sean!?” one email reads.

“Sean, you’re not on Facebook, are you in a coma?!” “Sean! Our pills are guaranteed to enhance your love life, call today!”

People on Facebook have theories about where I’ve gone. Some are asking whether I am ill, whether I’m on vacation, or whether I am still, technically, alive.

Like this Facebook message:

“I recently heard Sean is not on Facebook because he is dead. I was heartbroken, is this true? Will someone please let us know if there is an estate sale?”

The truth is, I did not quit Facebook. I am in Facebook jail. This means that, among other things, whatever I post on Facebook is either deleted or suppressed so that only my uncle sees it.

It’s unclear why Facebook banned me, since I never talk politics, I don’t use foul language, and I do not post naked pictures very often.

But the

truth is, since I was booted off Facebook, I’ve found enormous freedom without it. I still write every day, and I still share my work on my website and via email, but I feel less restrained.

I’ve been posting on Facebook every day since this column started 10 years ago. That’s 10 years of posts, never missing a day, like a clinically insane person.

What I didn’t realize was how the platform, over time, has molded me into its own image. Facebook trains its users with rewards and punishments. If you post something Facebook agrees with, the algorithm awards you with TONS of likes. It’s exactly like playing slot machines, only no free drinks.

This is why at one point hundreds of thousands of Facebook users started making videos of things they KNEW the algorithm would like. Things like cute puppies. Because it was a well-known fact…

It’s hard to choose my favorite Christmas movie. Each time I try to pick one, I’m afraid I’ll shoot my eye out.

There are, of course, obligatory holiday movies which bring to mind one’s parents and grandparents. A period in post-war national history which featured Buicks Roadmasters, Hula Hoops, and pineapple upside down cakes made almost completely of mayonnaise. This era features movies such as “Miracle on 34th Street” (1947); “A Christmas Carol” (1951); and “White Christmas” (1954).

Those are all great movies. But what about the spiritually inspired cinematic manifesto of the Great American Dysfunctional Family, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989)? A film which, over the years, has brought me more joy than nearly anything including most major religions.

Somewhere at the top of my movie list sits “A Christmas Story” (1983). Perhaps because, not unlike the movie’s protagonist, Ralphie, I too grew up among folks who believed no Christmas gift better embodied the True Meaning of Christ’s Birth than an

American-made firearm.

There are also many popular holiday movies which, in my opinion, suck. Such as “Home Alone” (1990). If that kid had been in my house, my mother would’ve wore his butt out. And “Edward Scissorhands” (1990), directed by Tim Burton, the man who ruined “Dumbo” (2019). Or “Gremlins” (1984), a Christmas movie about a horde of malicious demons invading a small town and murdering the townspeople.

Do what?

No holiday movie discussion, however, is complete without mentioning the dozens of stop-motion animated TV movies by Rankin and Bass. These movies are pure childhood. “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” (1964); “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year” (1976); “Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas” (1979); “Rudolph Develops a Nasal Polyp”, etc.

I’m also a big fan of the multiple retellings of Dickens’ Ebenezer Scrooge. For my money, George C. Scott delivers a prize-winning performance in 1984’s “A Christmas Carol.”

Still, it is the Dickensian musical…

“You can open ONE present tonight,” my mother said. “But ONLY one. Since it’s Christmas Eve.”

My feet only touched the ground twice.

I ran to the Christmas tree like a squirrel on illegal stimulants. Our tree was pitiful. Charlie Brown had nothing on us.

Beneath the tree was one, skinny, oblong box with my name on it. I selected this box. I tore the paper.

It was a telescope.

“It’s not much,” Mama said.

I looked at the box. “It’s a telescope.”

Mama smiled. “So you really can read.”

It was a 40mm refractor called a Halleyscope. It must have cost my mother all she had. My mother cleaned condos and threw newspapers for a living.

This was her the coupe de grace of her Christmas bounty. The rest of my gifts would be cans of smoked oysters, jars of mayonnaise, or Haynes underpants.

“I know you like looking at stars,” she said.

It was true. I loved the stars. Every week I watched “Star Gazers” on PBS, hosted by Jack Horkheimer, the Star Hustler. The

world’s only weekly television series on naked eye astronomy. Still on the air today. I rarely missed an episode.

I took the telescope into the yard. I set up the tripod. I knew exactly what I would point the scope at that night. I aimed the lens at the moon.

Namely, because it was Christmas Eve. And the moon was full that year. For the first time on a holiday weekend since 1977, the moon was full. The next time the moon would be full would be 2015. After that, 2034. This was a big deal in the Metonic Cycle. A big, big deal.

I aimed my Halleyscope at the sky. There were 5,185 craters on the moon looking back at me. Crisp and clear.

I nearly cried. But then, of course fatherless boys don’t actually cry. Children of suicide don’t cry. Especially…

“In prison,” said Charlie, “all you want is to know someone loves you.”

Charlie had been inside for 22 years. Nobody ever came to visit at Christmas. Never. Not even once. Sometimes he wondered if anyone remembered him.

Usually, Charlie’s Christmas consisted of going to the chow hall—it was the only time of year when the kitchen actually made an effort to give you decent food.

A lot of the guys just hung out in the TV rooms, watching the NBA. Others drank prison hooch. Some just stayed in their cells and stared at the walls.

Christmas morning in prison is quiet. Uneventful. For most, it is a reminder of how crappy your life is. How forgotten you are. Another calendar day.

Families rarely visit inmates on Christmas. What would you rather do on Christmas? Stay home and eat ham? Or get dressed and go to the clink for visiting hours?

Most guys inside don’t see any family members unless they’re locked up with them.

But this Christmas morning was different. They woke Charlie and told him he had

visitors.

“Visitors?” said Charlie.

“Get dressed,” said the guard. “They’re already here, waiting for you.”

“Who is?”

“You’ll see.”

Who could be visiting? Charlie had gone inside when he was in his 30s. He was in his 50s now. His frame was gaunt. His hair was white. The other inmates called him “Pops.”

The guard led him to the visiting area. They called the visiting area the “dance floor.” You only went to the dance floor, if you were lucky. Most guys never got to go.

If you were, however, taken to the dance floor, you lived like royalty. You ate from vending machines. You could play around with your kids—if you had any. And you felt like a human being for a little while.

Charlie followed the guard to the dance floor with a lump of clay in his throat.…

I almost didn’t write this because I swore I’d never tell anyone what I’m about to tell you. But I have to.

A few weeks ago I received a letter postmarked from Nunavut, Canada. An invitation said that I had been selected along with a few other writers for an exclusive, one-on-one interview with a very important person who wears a red suit and owns a lot of reindeer and is not Oprah Winfrey.

The next day, I was on a plane from Hartsfield-Jackson Airport, flying to Milwaukee Mitchell International Airport. Our plane landed in a bunch of Midwestern gray snow. And I mean a bunch of snow.

Milwaukee was as cold as a witch’s underwire. I don’t know why anyone would choose to live in Milwaukee in the winter. Which brings up a joke my mother’s friend Judy, from Milwaukee always tells:

“What do you call a good looking man on the streets of Milwaukee?” “Frozen to death.”

So the layover wasn’t too bad. Neither were my other connecting flights to Tacoma,

British Columbia, and Fairbanks International Airport.

When I reached Alaska, things were touch-and-go. I caught a commuter flight to Deadhorse Airport, near Prudhoe Bay—which is basically the edge of the world where the temperature drops to forty below zero sometimes.

The next commuter plane was piloted by a Norwegian guy named Arvid who, while we were flying through a heavy blizzard, remarked, “I have never flown in an actual blizzard before.”

So things were going great. When we finally touched down, Arvid made the Sign of the Cross, and I changed my trousers.

We were on the remote Fosheim Peninsula at a research facility on Ellesmere Island. This facility has been continuously manned since 1947 and was covered in about ten feet of snowdrift. But the men who run the place are very friendly. Which is remarkable considering they are isolated from modern civilization and most of…

When I was a kid, our Christmases were so small you could have held them in the back of a van. It wasn’t that we were poor insomuch as my dad was a notorious cheapskate. Mama said if he ever died he would walk toward the light merely so he could turn it off.

This was because father’s family sprang from immigrants. These were financially cautious people who only got married for the rice. My father’s people were also German, so they were humor impaired.

I don’t mean to generalize, but as a culture, Germans do not grasp the subtle nature of humor. I was once hired to entertain for a German civic club banquet in Pittsburgh. I told my first joke and heard only the hum of the A/C. At which point a lady in the audience rose and whispered to her husband: “Ziss man gives me headache, Heinrich.”

I stood there, staring at 500 granite faces. Heinrich and I had 59 minutes left.

So anyway, our Christmases were handmade affairs. Because handmade stuff was cheaper. My mother refused to buy gifts when she could handmake them. Our wrapping paper was reused supermarket bags. Our decor came from the backyard. My mother sewed everything. My only non-handmade gift was manufactured by the Fruit of the Loom corporation.

I’ll never forget visiting a friend’s house one December day, and seeing the stark differences between our holidays.

My friend’s family had a tree so big it took four men to carry it. They needed an FAA license just to put the star on top. Most importantly, his tree WASN’T PLASTIC. There were mountains of gifts, wrapped in colorful paper, and none of their decorations were made of Elmer’s glue and popcorn.

Moreover, the house was littered with crystal bowls, all filled with glorious little yogurt-dipped pretzels. You could eat as many as you wanted and…

Six years ago. The Waffle House was packed. There were customers everywhere. Shoulder to shoulder. Sardine-like. I don’t know how the waitress managed to find a place for us at the counter. We were crammed into the corner, with a front-row view of the chef de cuisine.

The cook loaded the grill with all manner of pork products. Everything was hissing. Pots bubbling. Slabs of meat sizzling. Waffle irons spewing.

It was Christmas night, and we didn’t know where else to go.

It was surprising to see so many people inside on Christmas night. They must have all been weary highway travelers just like us. On their way back from family gatherings which had drained them of their lifeforce, left them with saggy eyes, and little will to live.

Family holiday gatherings can be difficult. Namely, because everyone in your family is completely bat-excrement crazy except you.

A guy wandered into the Waffle House. He was wearing rags. Fingerless gloves. Watch cap. The staff apparently knew

him. They called him by nickname.

“Hi, King Charles!” the staff all said.

And the employees all bowed and curtsied.

The king smiled his tooth at them, but said nothing.

The waitress found a place for him at the bar, in a seat beside us. The king grinned at me. I grinned back. I do not believe he had bathed in three, maybe four presidential administrations.

And even though the place was overrun with customers, the waitress took His Majesty’s order before taking anyone else’s.

“Your Highness,” said the waitress. “What’ll it be?”

The old man had a hard time talking. His mouth was moving, but nothing came out.

“Same as usual?” said the waitress.

He nodded.

The knit cap came off to reveal a mass of greasy white hair. He looked at me again, just to make sure I…