A crowded airliner. We were somewhere above Virginia. I was sandwiched between two passengers like Prince Albert in a can.
It has been said, if you’re a bad person in this lifetime; if you treat your fellow man poorly; if you live by the code of violence; if you are cruel to elders and children and UPS men; when you die you will wake up in economy class, riding in the middle seat.
Which is where I was.
The guy on my right was tapping on a laptop. The guy on my other side was scrolling TikTok. I had no armrests to speak of.
Throughout the flight, I noticed TikTok Guy kept staring at Laptop Guy. Like he recognized the man. Finally, TikTok Guy leaned over my passenger body to speak to Laptop Guy.
“Excuse me,” said TikTok. “Are you who I think you are, sir?”
Laptop nodded. “I am.”
“Omigod,” said TikTok. “Can I get a picture with you?”
And here is where things got awkward. Because there I was. Stuck between them. Like a man trapped in hell. Or worse, the DMV.
There was no way to snap a selfie without also capturing the buck-toothed, redhead in the middle seat between them. And I wasn’t wearing any makeup.
I cleared my throat. “Maybe you should wait until we get off the plane to take pictures,” I suggested.
TikTok gestured to Laptop. “Do you KNOW who this is?”
“Yes. He is a man who will still be here when the plane lands.”
“This guy’s famous.”
Laptop shook my hand and recited his name. He was a young guy. Dressed nicely. Matinee-idol smile. I’d never heard of him, but that doesn’t mean anything. I live under a brick.
Laptop gave his signature to a few passengers nearby. Then Laptop Guy turned to me. “Would you like me to sign anything for you?”
I smiled. “I left my autograph book at home.”
Then, it happened. TikTok and Laptop started having a political conversation.
It became a long, drawn out conversation about heated political matters. Turns out Laptop Guy is a well-known political commentator.
Nearby passengers kept shooting dirty looks at us.
At some point in the conversation, they were talking about the economy. Laptop turned to me and spoke. My eyes were closed because I was trying to disappear.
“Tell me,” Laptop asked in a TV voice. “What do you do?”
“About what?” I said.
“About work?”
“Try to avoid it.”
“I mean, how do you make a living?”
“I’m in the process of retiring.”
“What are you retiring from?”
“This conversation.”
So they went back to ignoring me and talking about heavy political matters.
Things escalated when people in nearby seats got involved in the discussion. The woman ahead of me was practically shouting to make her point. One guy was waving his hands and half-screaming. People were irate.
I would have killed to be at the DMV.
By the time the flight was over. Some of the people on the plane were getting selfies with the controversial commentator. Others were storming away, angry, mumbling various things about the commentator’s mother.
It was one of the weirdest flights I’ve ever been on. Even worse than the flight I sat next to the guy who sold elevators. (“Business is up and down.”)
Before Laptop Guy deboarded, the famed man said to me, “Did you need a picture with me before I leave?”
I shook my head. “I’m Amish.”
We pumped hands. As he made his way off the plane, one of the flight attendants said, in a voice strong and clear:
“And that’s why I don’t discuss religion or politics on Facebook.”
A slow, but steady applause broke out on the airplane.
1 comment
stephenpe - June 7, 2024 12:26 pm
And to me you were the most famous person there. He should have asked for your autograph, At least it didn’t get physical. As for discussing politics on social media and FB, guilty as charged………..