[dropcap]A[/dropcap] woman attacked me in Winn Dixie. Then, without warning, she served me a glossy political brochure and hummed a few bars of “God Bless America.” After a swat on my hindsection, she then pounced on the next unsuspecting idiot in the checkout line.
Well, it will come as no shock to know that I have strong political convictions. Big ones. And I’ll share them with you, if I may. After all, this is Facebook.
This year, I’m voting for overcooked collard greens, butterbeans, and creamed corn. The kind with so much butter you can develop a stroke just sniffing the skillet.
Also, tomatoes and cucumbers — which are technically bipartisan fruits. Because I love fruit. Not the kind in cans. That stuff tastes like pickled gallbladders.
I’m talking about the fruit you only get south of Macon County. Peaches tender enough to make a grown man pee himself. On a long drive, I’ve eaten so many gushing peaches before, I had to change my shirt twice.
Also, I’m in favor of our God-given right to deep fry. Which I freely exercise. Without it we’d be a nation on the skids. Because the only thing separating us from heathens, is our fried catfish.
Furthermore: there are no rules to frying. In fact, with the right batter, it’s permissible to fry your own boot — which I’ve seen done once. That was one drunk groom.
I hope wheat flour makes the ballot. Modern health extremists say gluten will transform our brains into Fluffernutter. But I support bread.
I knew an old man who said once, “We were so poor, Mama only ever had one bag of flour, and a jar of hog grease. Each morning, when I prayed for Daily Bread, by God, I meant bread.”
How’s that for a campaign slogan?
I’d rather eat bread than talk politics. I’d rather drown my plate in giblet gravy and fall asleep on the sofa. If you think that’s un-American, get in line.
I believe in sweet corn, ripe enough to eat raw. And yams, suffocated in butter. Barbecue shoulder, fat tomatoes, Andersonville peaches, and giant drumsticks.
Give us this day our Daily Biscuits, oh Lord. And, if it’s not too much trouble.
Teach me to love.