Q: Sean, I was wondering what your views are on politics. Do you mind sharing them with us all, so we know where you stand?
A: My thoughts are: There is nothing more terrifying than waking up and realizing that your high-school class is now running the world.
Q: Hi Sean, I am writing to ask if you have any Italian in your lineage. I am Italian and my mom and I were wondering what your race is.
A: I am a mutt. My dog has a higher pedigree than I do.
Q: Sean, who are your literary heroes? If you have any, will you share them with us?
A: When I was younger, I delivered the newspaper with my mother every morning. We awoke at 2:30 a.m. and wrapped roughly six million newspapers. But before I started wrapping papers in rubber bands, I always read what Gary Larson had to say.
Q: Do you believe that all denominations will go to heaven?
A: When I was a kid, my Granny used to tell me to be good, and always behave, otherwise, when the Lord returned, with the last trumpet call, I might be left here on earth with everyone else, while all the fundamentalists would be evacuated, in heaven, singing hymns all day long, and going to Eternal Sunday School.
“You don’t want to be left behind, do you?” my granny would ask.
“Well, someone’s got to do it,” I said.
Q: Seriously, Sean, what do you believe? Do Catholics and Baptists and such go to the same place?
A: I don’t know. I suppose I believe there will be different rooms in heaven. Sort of like high school. I believe Baptists will be in their own room, playing harps. I believe the Methodists will be in another room, having a grand potluck, and laughing. I believe the Episcopalians will have a cash bar.
Q: Speaking of cash, are you rich? I looked your net worth up on the internet and it said you were worth a lot of money.
A: Pardon me while I laugh so hard ramen noodle soup comes out of my nose. Admittedly, I don’t know how the internet works, but I can tell you this. The internet was drunk when it told you that.
Q: So you’re saying writers don’t make much?
A: What do you call a writer with health insurance?
Q: So what is it actually like to be a professional writer?
A: I can’t put it into words.
Q: Dear Sean, I want to become a professional writer. It has been my lifelong dream to earn a living doing what I love. I am looking for a field of specialization (fiction, non-fiction, etc). What I wanted to ask you is, in your experience, what kind of writing pays the best?
A: Ransom notes.
Q: I am an English teacher, and I wanted to ask you what you think of the current state of our country, when it comes to reading and literature. I just read a study that said over 50 percent of Americans admit they haven’t read a book or newspaper in the past year. What does that mean for writers like you?
A: It means we dont’ have to worry bout mispelings anymor.
Q: I am 11, and I want a dog. But my mother said you have to be old enough to take care of, and feed a dog. She told me to ask you what you thought.
A: The appropriate question is old is your mother?
Q: Are you a Christian? Because I can’t ever seem to figure out where you stand on religion. Sometimes you write about God and angels, but then I get this feeling you think everyone is going to heaven. This is not true, Sean. I don’t care how good of a person you are, not everyone goes to heaven. Some people will go to hell, and I don’t want to spend an eternity without you.
Q: Listen, ma’am. I promise you this. Once you get there, you won’t even miss me.
Q: Be serious, Sean.
A: Okay. I suppose that when I reflect on the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone onto a Better Life, I am moved to lead a different life.
Q: How do you write something every day? Isn’t it hard?
A: Yes. It can be. Sometimes you wrack your brain and you come up short. Sometimes you feel lazy, and realize that you have the literary talent of a mutt.
Q: What do you do in circumstances like that?
A: You write a Q&A column.