Q: Sean, what your views are on politics, so we know where you stand?

A: My thoughts are, there is nothing more terrifying than waking up and realizing that your high-school class is now running the world.

Q: Sean, who are your literary heroes?

A: Gary Larson.

Q: Do you believe that all denominations will go to heaven?

A: When I was a kid, the Sunday school teacher said that when the Lord returned, with the last trumpet, all the Baptists would be raptured, and I would remain here on earth.

“You don’t want to be left behind, do you?” my teacher would say. “You’d be stuck in a world without evangelicals. Doesn’t that sound awful?”

“Yes, ma’am,” I’d reply. “Just awful.”

Q: So Sean, what DO you believe?

A: I believe I’ll have another beer.

Q: Dear Sean, are you rich? I looked your net worth up on the internet and it said you were several million dollars.

A: Pardon me while I laugh so hard ramen noodle soup comes out of my nose. I am not rich. I am a writer.

Q: So you’re saying writers don’t make much?

A: What do you call a writer with health insurance?

Q: What?

A: Married.

Q: Dear Sean, I too want to become a professional writer. It has been my lifelong dream to earn a living doing what I love. I am looking for a field of specialization (fiction, non-fiction, etc). I wanted to ask you, in your experience, what kind of writing pays the best?

A: Ransom notes.

Q: Hi, Sean. I am wanting to get into writing. What is it like to be a writer?

A: I can’t put it into words.

Q: I’m an English teacher, and I wanted to ask you what you think of the current state of our country, when it comes to reading and literature. Fifty percent of Americans admit they haven’t even read a book in the past year. What does that mean for writers?

A: Means we dont’ got to worry bout mispelings no more.

Q: I am 11 and I want a dog. But mom says you have to be old enough to take care of a dog.

A: She’s right. Get a dog. Your mom is plenty old enough.

Q: Are you a Christian? I can’t ever seem to figure out where you stand. You write about God and angels, but then I get this feeling you think everyone is going to heaven. This is a lie, Sean. I don’t care how good of a person you are, some people will go to hell. I’m worried, I don’t want to spend eternity without you.

Q: I promise, you won’t even miss me.

Q: How do you write something every day? Isn’t it hard?

A: It can be. Sometimes you wrack your brain and you come up short. Sometimes you realize that you have the literary talent of a mutt.

Q: What do you do in those circumstances?

A: You write a crummy Q&A column.