I am on a radio show. I’m sitting in a studio, waiting to talk about my most recent book, like real authors do. I am wearing headphones. There is a microphone in front of me. The producer gives us the count down:
“Aaaannnd we’re on in five, four, three, two…”
He points.
—PEPPY INTRO MUSIC FOR MORNING SHOW—
RADIO HOST: Hi, you’re listening to WKXPRHZBXC, your home for soft rock favorites and non-stop continuous Michael Bolton ballads. I’m your highly caffeinated morning-show host, Morning Man Larry, and I’m crazy! With a capital K! Our guest today is author Shane Deeters. Shane, thanks for being with us.
ME: My name’s actually Sean Dietrich. But thank you for having me, Larry.
HOST: Don’t mention it. Now, I’m holding a copy of my guest’s newest book, and I wanna tell you, folks, this looks exactly like a real book. It has an actual spine and a dust cover and pages and everything. Trust me. I have seen some books in my day, but this is definitely one of them. Please, tell our listeners a little bit about your book, Shane.
ME: Well, as I say, my name is Sean, and the book is a story about my—
HOST: How long did it take to write this particular book?
ME: I was trying to answer your first question—
HOST: And how many years, approximately, have you been writing books?
ME: Well, I—
HOST: How many books do you have?
ME: Uh, let’s see—
HOST: When did you first fall in love? What’s your middle name? Where is Fiji? What is a granivorous ornithologist?
ME: I’m sorry, which question am I supposed to be answering?
HOST: So anyway, you know what I think? I think writing is a very noble process. Don’t you agree, Shane? Can I call you Shane?
ME: I don’t know why anyone would.
HOST: Funny story, Shane, I wrote a book of my own, it is called “Morning Man Larry’s Adventures in 3-D,” and it is about my crazy, excellent life, and all the moderately famous people whose names I’ve used in my book, but have never actually met in person per se. It’s been a long road, Shane. But that’s how my Cinderella story all began.
ME: How about that.
HOST: Because in my experience, people just go about their lives in 2-D, and sometimes I wanna tell our listeners, “HEY! WAKE UP! Life is 3-D!” Or, no! Wait a minute, folks! WHOA! GET READY FOR THIS! YOU CAN LIVE LIFE IN 4-D! What’d’ya think, Shane? Do you like my idea about living life in 4-D?
ME: I have no idea what we are talking about.
HOST: So tell us where you’re from before you moved to Birmingham.
ME: Well, I’m from the Florida Panhandle, which is—
HOST: We’re almost out of time, but I let me just stop you right there to say that I love Florida, and I really, really like Orlando. One time, I was in Orlando and there was this restaurant where my daughter wanted to go that had actual animals inside, staring at you while you ate. Truthfully it was a little weird looking at a mule while I was eating, but hey, c’est la vie.
(Crickets.)
ME: I need some water.
HOST: So if you’re just tuning in, folks, my guest has written a book, and is here in the studio to talk about it.
ME: Or maybe some hard liquor.
HOST: What inspires you each day?
ME (Pausing): Is it really my turn to talk?
HOST: Of course, the floor is all yours.
ME: It’s just that every time I try to speak—
HOST: Tell us a little bit about your thoughts on tax reform.
ME: Do what?
HOST: Ginger or Marianne?
ME: I, uh…
HOST: Boxers or briefs?
ME: I don’t really see how that’s…
HOST: You’re listening to WKXPRHZBXC, I’m Morning Man Larry, here in the studio with author Shane Derelict, we are the craziest morning show out there! So crazy that I actually have a rubber chicken dangling from a hangman’s noose in my studio above my desk, right from the ceiling! Isn’t that right, Shane?
ME: I don’t see a chicken.
HOST: He’s right there, hanging from the AC vent. See it?
ME: Yes. I see him now.
HOST: What do you think of my rubber chicken?
ME: I think he’s the luckiest guy in this room.
HOST: Funny story, you wanna know where I got that chicken?
ME: No.
HOST: It’s a KUH-RAZY story, like all the stories on my show, do we have time for this story about the rubber chicken?
ME: I will literally pay you not to tell me this story.
HOST: My producer is telling me we don’t have time, but you know what? On our NEXT show, NEXT week, I’m gonna tell the story, and I want YOU to be here with me, Slayton… Shane… Sam.
ME: I can’t make it.
HOST: Why not?
ME: I believe I’ll have food poisoning that day.
HOST: Well, we’re outta time, folks! Morning Man Larry here! I’d like to thank today’s guest, Shadrach Delacroix, it’s been a true pleasure having you in the studio, buddy! If you’re ever in the area, please stop by and see us! You have an open invitation!
ME: Aren’t you sweet.
—OUTRO MUSIC—
HOST: (Removes headphones.) That was a great show! Good energy! You’re a natural on the air. A NATURAL!
ME: Thanks.
HOST: (Shakes my hand.) So what’d you say your name was again?
46 comments
Nan - March 14, 2022 7:16 am
Good heavens – is that a true story?
Steve McCaleb - March 14, 2022 8:04 am
This is zactly why I NEVER listen to morning radio. I hate “perky” people especially in the morning hours. Most of these idiots need a valium the size of a garbage can lid they can take bites of like a cookie. Jeeze…..easy on the Red Bull and PLEASE…..PLEASE promise you’ll at least give the decaf a shot. Where are my earplugs?
Martha Black - March 14, 2022 8:11 am
Bless your little pea picking heart. How rude! Keep writing & stsy off the Krrrrazy radio. We love you Sean Dietrich!
Carol from GA - March 14, 2022 9:00 am
Hysterical!
Susan H Poole - March 14, 2022 9:03 am
Merciful heavens. Please tell me you ate something that disagreed with you last night and you woke up having that nightmare😳
Lori Jahn - March 14, 2022 1:19 pm
That was an awesome show Shane!!😂
oldlibrariansshelf - March 14, 2022 9:10 am
This guy should have been on WKRP in Cincinnati! As for you, Erma Bombeck is laughing her mismatched socks off along with those of us still on this side of Heaven.
Debbie - March 14, 2022 9:58 am
Christ, that is my new boss. Your Morning DJ must be her brother.
Lori M. - March 14, 2022 10:20 am
Wait wait, go back to the part about your latest book..!
Sandi. - March 14, 2022 10:24 am
Lemony snickeroo, that hyper radio guy would make a freight train take a dirt road!
Connie - March 14, 2022 10:29 am
WOW. What a turn off. You need to stick with RICK & Bubba for radio…they know how to treat guest. 😀
Susan Tolley - March 14, 2022 3:55 pm
💯
Joy Jacobs - March 14, 2022 11:18 am
Made my day, Shane Derelict 😂😂
joan moore - March 14, 2022 11:33 am
Love how you added in the ‘ Ham!
Betty Martinez Lowery - March 14, 2022 11:37 am
The hung rubber chicken was the luckiest guy in the room!!!!! Hilarious!!!!
Bonnie - March 14, 2022 12:21 pm
Narcissistic people abound in this world. It’s tricky to spot them sometimes before they open their mouths. Obviously not speaking of you Sean.
Jan - March 14, 2022 12:26 pm
Enjoyed your story. Hope that is not the typical interview. I always thought I wanted to be a writer. Now, I am not so sure …
Sonya Tuttle - March 14, 2022 12:27 pm
The last book I got was “Incredible Winston Broome”. Is there another one? Horrible interview.
Greyn - March 14, 2022 12:46 pm
Dear Shane, I knew you wrote books or something, but never knew the full story, all the particulars, before. You owe MM Larry big thanks. Makes me want to learn more about you. Is Larry tall? When is his next book out? Tell us a bit about his extended family.
Livin’ the Four-D Dream
Martha Owens - March 14, 2022 12:50 pm
Hilarious! Laughed all the way! Great way to start the day!
Judy+Mercer - March 14, 2022 12:53 pm
Tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks, Sean..reminded me of people just like Larry!!!!
Susan - March 14, 2022 1:10 pm
Oh my!!! You made me laugh! Tucking away the I think I will have food poisoning that day as an excuse for future reference!!!!
Glenda Busby-Fowler - March 14, 2022 1:23 pm
Good interview, Shane……….(I can’t stop laughing………)
Shelton A. - March 14, 2022 1:38 pm
Crazy (with a K). Sounds like a good time was had by all…all but the guest author and the rubber chicken. Life is full of simple pleasures. The radio host was simple and running out of time was a pleasure. Sorry you had to endure that. Hope it was actually somewhat better than what you described. Sad laughter was heard in my house (opposite of tears of joy). God bless and hope the unpacking is going well.
oldandblessed - March 14, 2022 1:44 pm
That’s how it is with radio personalities versus radio hosts.
Kathie - March 14, 2022 1:48 pm
Wait, wait!! 2D must be when you read about the Rocky Mountains; 3D is when you drive through the Rocky Mountains; 4D is when you hike through the Rocky Mountains and run into a grizzly! Made me think!
Paul McCutchen - March 14, 2022 1:51 pm
I started back and read it like a fast talking 60’s DJ was doing the interview. I got a good laugh on this Monday morning.
Sherry McGinley - March 14, 2022 3:38 pm
I Linda wanted to slap him.
Carolyn Geck - March 14, 2022 4:20 pm
Same on morning tv…NBC, CBS & ABC!! Stupid ity & egos reign!!!
Debra Morgan - March 14, 2022 4:54 pm
Thank you Sugar!! I have laughed and laughed!
Nancy - March 14, 2022 5:39 pm
Hysterical…..laughed until I cried!!!
Tom Salter - March 14, 2022 5:45 pm
As a former radio morning host, I resemble that remark! Great story.
Linda Moon - March 14, 2022 5:57 pm
I only have two of your books. I did an online search from my favorite book-buying place and saw that I need to buy more books by Shane Deeters and build a room to hold ALL my books. I’ll speak to My Guy about that. We’re pretty good fixer-uppers for bookshelves and old houses too, Shadrach!
Mickey McCann - March 14, 2022 7:18 pm
It is really okay to just leave.
Me, another sorry I personally would let them know how I am feeling.
I would refuse to go through this just to write a blog
MAM - March 14, 2022 7:36 pm
If you are testing out your humor genes, you just found out you have them! I had a good laugh, but must admit I might not have lasted as long as you did or been mostly as nice. I probably would have tried to grab the mike away from him. Or no, maybe just walking out might have been the best bet. He didn’t know your name anyway.
Slim picker - March 15, 2022 2:35 am
I once had a dog that was ADD that wouldn’t listen to me either!
Slimpicker - March 15, 2022 2:36 am
I once had a dog that was ADD that wouldn’t listen to me either!
Melanie - March 15, 2022 4:29 am
I’m dyin’ 🤣😁😂😆
Robin - March 15, 2022 4:49 am
Oh my!
Beverly - March 15, 2022 4:57 pm
So funny….. Usually, I shed at least one tear reading your stories…….. this time,!..,big smile & ended with a real laugh……nice
Mary - March 16, 2022 8:46 pm
Usually it’s laughs N tears, here too.mostlry laughter with a smile tear
Mary - March 16, 2022 8:44 pm
Keep story Shadrach, Aka Shane, aka …but to.me u will always be …where r my relaxin pillz?
Lisa Weber - March 17, 2022 12:21 am
Bless him! What an ordeal for you, Mr. Sean D!! Need to find another radio guy… Good luck in B’ham with your family’s new move!
Sylvia Joyce - March 18, 2022 3:25 am
Rick and Bubba won’t treat you like that! Go on their show or their podcast v
David Morgan - March 18, 2022 9:25 pm
Great, Shadrach Delacroix!
CHARALEEN WRIGHT - March 27, 2022 10:52 pm
❤