I receive a lot of mail in the form of emails, letters, private messages, texts, Morse code, etc. It is impossible to answer all these messages, so I compiled some commonly asked questions:

Q: This world is a mess, why don’t you ever address the central problems of our society? It seems irresponsible to not cultivate awareness. Why are you pretending that humanity is one great big happy family, and everything is hunky dory? This isn’t helping our country.

A: I think someone needs a nap.

Q: No, I’m serious. Don’t gloss over the question with your glib, sophomoric attempt at ill-timed humor.

A: You could use a beer, too.

Q: Hi. I just want to know: Is Sean Dietrich a real person, or just a secret team of a bunch of wannabe writers pretending to be one guy?

A: We aren’t wannabes. We’re never-weres. Big difference.

Q: Ginger or Mary Ann?

A: Lucille Ball.

Q: Come on. That’s not fair. Please comment on this age-old debate.

A: It’s not a debate. Not really. Dawn Wells, who played Mary Ann on “Gilligan’s Island,” former Miss Nevada 1960, received more fan mail than Tina Louise (Ginger) and nearly every other actor at CBS Studios combined.

Even after Wells’ heyday she still received some 5,000 fan letters per week from hormone crazed post-pubescent boys, most of whom were offering to bear her children. Not that I would know.

Q: You write a lot about dogs, but why don’t you ever write about cats? Don’t you like cats?

A: As I type this, I am currently on my porch surrounded by six neighborhood cats. Two are sleeping near my feet. One is beside me, communicating telepathically with her giant, yellow, frightening, apathetic eyes.

Q: So why don’t you ever write about cats?

A: I just did.

Q: I am a writer, trying to establish a daily writing routine, I was wondering how often you write? Do you write every day?

A: We do. Yes.

Q: What’s your work schedule like?

A: I wake up. I write until suppertime. I watch the Braves lose. I go to bed. Repeat.

Q: I am a Presbyterian minister/schoolteacher/college student/book club facilitator/VFW bartender, and I would like to use one of your writings for my sermon/classroom/essay/Bible study/karaoke night/women’s mud-wrestling championship. How do I go about getting permission, making sure to give you full credit for your intellectual property because I don’t want to infringe on your copyrighted mater—

A: SLAP!

Q: Did you just slap me?

A: Yes, but only in the literary sense.

Q: But… Why?

A: Because people today are obsessed with ownership, copyrights and milking every nanoparticle of credit out of each little thing they do. It’s nauseating. This fixation on receiving credit is the equivalent of applauding for yourself after successfully using the toilet.

Q: Can you illustrate what you mean with an extremely long and irrelevant example?

A: Last week I went to a church and the lyrics to “Amazing Grace” were copyrighted, with the little copyright symbol at the bottom and everything.

Q: But “Amazing Grace” was written in 1779.

A: Yes, but in this version the original lyrics had been slightly altered, which makes this version “intellectual property,” which means this song is copyrighted, which means you are not allowed to sing “Amazing Grace” in public without paying fees to obtain permission, or else you will end up with the top bunk in Leavenworth.

Q: How does this answer my original question?

A: What I’m saying is that I don’t need credit for these words if you choose to share them with someone. Go ahead. Clip them out of the newspaper, or print them off your computer screen. Everything I have ever written belongs to you. This is the Internet, you own it as much as I do.

Q: But how can you say that? What if someone steals your material and gets filthy rich from YOUR words?

A: I say God bless them. It never worked for me.

Q: Duke’s or Hellman’s?

A: I wouldn’t give Hellman’s to a golden retriever.

Q: You wrote about Morgan Love recently, and how she has been in the hospital for almost a month. Has there been any progress on her condition?

A: Today, she went for a walk for the first time in over three weeks. Her first time out of doors in almost a month. She is weak, and not out of the woods yet, but the prayers are definitely helping.

Q: You asked us to send cards to Morgan, and you were hoping to get them from every state. Did you?

A: Yes. We got them from every state except North Dakota.

Q: Why not North Dakota?

A: We do not believe this state actually exists.

Q: Do you have any advice for me, I am burying a loved one this week. The funeral is tomorrow. And I don’t know who to talk to.

A: I have no advice. Because most advice is worthless. Besides, you’re getting plenty of advice from the know-it-alls in your life right now. Funerals bring out the advice-giver in everyone.

But I don’t think you don’t need advice right now. What you need is love. Physical affection. Phone calls. Face-to-face conversations. Texts from friends. Hugs from children. Kisses from family members. Someone to put their arm around you, someone to cook for you, someone who listens more than they talk. Real, messy, true love.

In my short, little, unremarkable life, I have discovered what I need the most is love. Love is the most deficient substance on this earth, and the only item you can take with you when you leave here. Which is why I hope you know I love you. Whoever you are.

Ⓒ 2022 Your Name Goes Here, all rights reserved.