Boys, the first thing you should know about a Southern woman, is that she is never awkward.

In this part of the world, social awkwardness is a sin. It’s even written in the Bible somewhere. Which is why we find it easy to converse with Southern females.

You know what else a Southern lady does? She eats. Seldom will you find her drinking kale smoothies for supper. Thank Jesus. She was born with an appetite that only banana pudding and Sunday-night Bible study can satisfy.

Moving right along. If you’re interested in a Southern girl, you’d better care about family. Because if you don’t, she’ll tell you to go straight to Hell. Which is probably where you’re already headed. In fact, speaking of family, you should call your mother right now.

Go on, I’ll wait.

Right beneath family is football. Your Southern woman knows how this sport works, thank you very much. If you try to explain an onside kick to her, she’ll smile and spray Raid on your popcorn.

While watching football, you’ll also learn Southern belles can cuss. They’re good at it. And it’s not fair, because they hardly ever practice.

My wife, Jamie, once stubbed her toe on a brick. She uttered things that made birds fall out of trees.

Along with cussing, Southern gals love the Bible. They quote Proverbs from time to time. But watch out. If she ever combines cussing with Scripture, you’re finished.

My cousin sassed his mother once. My aunt grit her teeth and said, “God sayeth, ‘spare the rod and spoil the #@*&$! child.’” My cousin’s visitation was closed-casket.

The truth is boys, a Southern woman is a product of generations of potlucks, homecomings, and SEC championships. She is strong, and sweet as honey butter. She dresses to the nines, prepares covered dishes of fried chicken, and arrives early to fellowship. She can fix your messy hair with her own spit, strike up conversation with the village idiot, then have mercy enough to bear his children.

Because a Southern girl is many things.

But she is never awkward.