I saw it on the news; they’ve started teaching Southern English in grade schools. It’s only fair. Because ever since the Army wore knickerbockers, kids have learned Yankee-Doodle English.
Children used to be taught that “chair” had one syllable. Well, anyone from the Yellowhammer state knows better. It has two. So do words like: floor, fire, and bed.
Let’s talk about cussing. Northerners don’t cuss right, they use the the F-word like an assault rifle. But when a Southerner swears, it sounds a lot like Andy Griffith reading the Psalms.
How about the S-word? Southerners finesse it. “Shee-yet.” When Yankees use it, they sound like Hitler giving a wedding toast.
Furthermore, the S-word doesn’t mean the same thing down in Dixie. Here, it means something akin to, “We missed you at the men’s fellowship last night.”
There are also words in the deep South, commonly slurred so fast you might miss them. Words like, “fittna.” Example: “I’m fittna go home in a few minutes.”
The word: “ah-ite.” Example: “Sister So-And-So has been sick as a dawg. Gaw, I hope she’s feeling ah-ite.”
Or: “mo-kana.” As in: “My pants aren’t white, but mo-kana grayish.”
And the onomatopoeic: “Pssshht.” Which means: “You are dead to me.”
Then there are words whose Southern definitions are unclear. Words like, “yonder.” In Georgia, for instance, yonder means: wherever the hell I point.
And: “just the other day,” which refers to any date occurring after the birth of Christ.
Also, I’m tired of jokes with the cute catchphrase, “bless your heart.” Contrary to popular belief, that’s not a backhanded insult. God no. A real Southern jab goes something like: “Isn’t she just precious?” Or: “Oh, I love your haircut, it really slims your face.” Or the worst Cotton State insult of all time: “That poor girl, we pray for her in Bible study every week.”
Which is downright god-awful.
And you better hope to hell it ain’t true.