There was once a raccoon named Benny. Benny was very nice, and very cute. Also, he did not smell like urine and feces the way other raccoons did.

Benny was polite. Everyone wanted to be Benny’s friend because of this. Plus, Benny didn’t have roundworms, rabies, or any other communicable diseases such as leptospirosis, bayliscaris, or salmonella, which makes friendship so difficult.

One day, Benny was wandering through the woods when he saw a patch of strawberries growing in the sunlight. Benny LOVED strawberries. And he almost never found any strawberries when digging for food in humans’ trash bins.

Benny ran toward the strawberries, but when he got there, he was not alone. There was another raccoon arriving at the same time.

It was Eleanor. Eleanor was a raccoon from the other side of the woods. Eleanor came from raccoons who lived near Mountain Brook, where humans ate very expensive organic food from Trader Joe’s. Whereas Benny lived in Irondale where everyone ate KFC.

Usually, Eleanor was a very nice raccoon. But today Eleanor did not look nice. When she noticed Benny, she showed her teeth.

“Get away from my strawberries,” said Eleanor.

“YOUR strawberries?” said Benny.

“I was here first.”

“No you weren’t.”

“Was too.”

An argument ensued. Soon, their disagreement became quite heated. Benny was shouting. Eleanor was yelling and waving her hands around. It is a well-known fact that raccoons talk with their hands.

Eventually, Benny got so mad he threw a rock at Eleanor. It missed her, thankfully. For Benny hadn’t really meant to throw the rock in the first place. He was just supremely ticked off.

But Eleanor’s temper hit the red zone. She did not appreciate rocks being thrown at her. Especially not by pompous little raccoons from the other side of the forest who ate KFC.

So Eleanor threw a rock at Benny. The rock hit Benny in the shoulder.

“Hey!” shouted Benny. “That hurt!”

“Well, YOU started it!” yelled Eleanor.

This time, Benny picked up a stick. It was a heavy stick that required both hands to lift. He hurled the stick at Eleanor. The stick spun through the air and landed on Eleanor’s foot. She squealed in pain.

“OUCH!” shouted Eleanor. “You better start running, you little turd.”

Benny knew he was not long for this world.

Eleanor charged him. Her teeth were showing. Her non-retractable claws were out. She leapt atop Benny, and the two of them were hissing, rolling around on the forest floor.

When the fight was over, both raccoons were covered in wounds, bloodred with cuts and scrapes. Eleanor had lost a few teeth. And Benny was worried he might be blind in one eye.

As they both lay on the ground moaning in pain, in his good eye, Benny saw Mister Fox come waltzing into the strawberry patch.

Mister Fox quietly picked all the strawberries, placing each one into his basket, until there were no berries left.

And as the fox calmly walked away, he smiled at the raccoons and said, “I just love it when you argue.”