Today Is Kid Day

By God, I’m going to do it. I’m starting my own holiday. It’s going to be the biggest thing since that drunk fella at the Elk’s Club had a ridiculous holiday idea involving groundhogs. I’m calling my holiday: National Kid Day.

Kid Day occurs on March 1st, which is when I’m writing this. And a lot of careful preparation and government planning has gone into this yearly observance. The reason my dedicated staff and I chose this specific date is because I don’t feel like looking at my calendar.

I can hear parents across the world saying, “Now just wait a minute. I’m not celebrating your stupid holiday. Kids already have a holiday; CHRISTMAS.”

No. Christmas is about decorations, office parties, and maxing out your credit cards. I’m talking about an altogether different thing. Kid Day isn’t about gift-wrapping Xboxes, or adhering to nine-hundred-dollar spending caps.

Here’s how Kid Day will go:

We’re going to use farms. Nationwide. We’ll fill them with inflatable bouncy-houses, carnival rides, and water slides. There will be free ice cream for anyone who is — or has ever been — a card carrying booger-picker. Also: there will be chili dogs, nachos, cotton candy, deep-fried Snickers bars, and all the free Alka-Seltzer you can stand.

The kids can go fishing at the pond, or run in the fields until their kneecaps fall off. When they’re done, we can all sit around the campfire listening to the sound of babies laughing — a noise strong enough to kill terrorism.

Over at the barn are the adoption booths, where you can meet the underprivileged orphans. If you can’t adopt one, consider giving the foster kids piggy-back rides. Because all children deserve piggy-backs. And besides, you need to burn off the deep-fried Snickers you just ate.

Anyway, mark your calendars for this crucial date. Because children are more important than Christopher Columbus — whose holiday is about as fun as watching a flock of turtles. And if you have children, I hope you spend today, and every day enjoying your family. Because children are the most wonderful things this side of heaven. Some of you have three or four of them.

And some of us would give anything to have one.