Nighttime. I’m driving a two-lane highway. I like two-lanes. I like old fence posts. Old barns. I like all sorts of things.
I like driving. It puts me at ease.
You have no reason to care about this, but I used to worry a lot. After my father passed, I was afraid of everything.
As a boy, sometimes I’d lie in bed and feel so scared I couldn’t catch my breath. I don’t know what I was afraid of. Nobody tells you grief feels just like fear.
I was afraid. Plain and simple. Afraid my family would die. Car accidents were another particular fear. I was afraid of vacant houses, doctors, hurricanes, tsunamis, realtors.
Of course, it wasn’t like this before my daddy pulled his own plug. Once, I played baseball, ate ice cream, and fished in creeks.
But fear has a way of taking over. At night, I’d wonder if death was going to swallow me whole. Irrational, I know. But young boys aren’t rational.
When I was fourteen, my
friend and I snuck out of Saturday night prayer meeting. We were there with his grandmother. She was a sweet, white-haired woman who memorized Bible verses and smoked like a tugboat.
My pal leaned against his grandmother’s car and jingled her keys which he’d taken from her purse.
“Wanna go for a drive?” he said.
“Right now?” I said. “During prayer meeting?”
His smile was a wild one.
I didn’t want to. I was—you can probably guess—too afraid. I was afraid we’d wreck. Afraid we’d wake up in county lock-up with orange jumpsuits and a roommate named Bad Bart McThroatslicer.
But my friend wasn’t like me. He wasn’t afraid. He begged me to get in the car.
It was terrifying, but I did it.
We rode his grandmother’s vehicle down gravel roads at slow speeds.…