I’m holding a letter from Newt (7 years old, Olney, Illinois). “Dear Sean of the South,” Newt writes. “Can you to tell me if Santa is real?”
The letter is signed, “Newt of the North.”
Here’s what I know, Newt:
I am ashamed to admit, several years ago I almost quit believing in Santa. That year, he and I had a misunderstanding involving a Yeti cooler and a scratch-off ticket.
He mistakenly brought me a pair of khaki Dockers instead.
But that has all changed, Newt.
Last Christmas Eve, I stayed up late watching “A Christmas Story”—a movie which was a classic before it got remade it into a live-for-TV-musical hosted by Ferris Bueller.
Then, I heard something.
It was a loud crash on my roof. I went outside. I live in the woods, so it gets dark here. But I could see him. The Man in Red. On MY roof.
Before I go any further, Newt, it’s important to realize something about my house. It’s on wheels. Your parents might call this a “mobile home,” or a “single-wide.”
Those are outdated, non-politically-correct
terms, and in some circles, offensive. We prefer to call them “tornado magnets.”
Anyway, Santa had—get ready for this, Newt—mistakenly thought my bathroom air-vent was a chimney. He had tried to jump through it. Bad idea. His lower half was dangling in the skylight above our john.
Kris Kringle, you’ll note, is a big boy. And my home is a ‘93 model—not built to withstand hurricane-force windbearing loads.
So, I did what any sensible man would do, I called my buddy Lamar.
Lamar is a part-time eBay seller who lives up the road in the ‘87 Fleetwood Mobile Manor. He’s good people. He came over immediately. He brought his deer spotlight and a stocked cooler.
We tried to pull Santa free, Newt. But nothing worked.
“That boy ain’t goin’ nowhere,” observed razor-sharp Lamar.
So, we waited.
Santa…