I receive a lot of mail in the form of emails, letters, private messages, texts, Morse code, etc. It is impossible to answer all these messages, so I compiled some commonly asked questions:
Q: This world is a mess, why don’t you ever address the central problems of our society? It seems irresponsible to not cultivate awareness. Why are you pretending that humanity is one great big happy family, and everything is hunky dory? This isn’t helping our country.
A: I think someone needs a nap.
Q: No, I’m serious. Don’t gloss over the question with your glib, sophomoric attempt at ill-timed humor.
A: You could use a beer, too.
Q: Hi. I just want to know: Is Sean Dietrich a real person, or just a secret team of a bunch of wannabe writers pretending to be one guy?
A: We aren’t wannabes. We’re never-weres. Big difference.
Q: Ginger or Mary Ann?
A: Lucille Ball.
Q: Come on. That’s not fair. Please comment on this age-old debate.
A: It’s not a debate. Not really. Dawn Wells, who played Mary Ann on “Gilligan’s
Island,” former Miss Nevada 1960, received more fan mail than Tina Louise (Ginger) and nearly every other actor at CBS Studios combined.
Even after Wells’ heyday she still received some 5,000 fan letters per week from hormone crazed post-pubescent boys, most of whom were offering to bear her children. Not that I would know.
Q: You write a lot about dogs, but why don’t you ever write about cats? Don’t you like cats?
A: As I type this, I am currently on my porch surrounded by six neighborhood cats. Two are sleeping near my feet. One is beside me, communicating telepathically with her giant, yellow, frightening, apathetic eyes.
Q: So why don’t you ever write about cats?
A: I just did.
Q: I am a writer, trying to establish a daily writing routine, I was wondering how often…