I would like to suspend my usual lighthearted tone for a moment and talk seriously about a public issue that’s on everyone’s minds right now. I am of course talking about this year’s Cadbury Bunny Tryouts.
There are only a few days remaining in the Cadbury Bunny contest, which features cute pets from all over the country competing to win $5000 in prize money, and to become the next spokes-pet for Cadbury Creme Eggs.
This is not just any old contest. This is an opportunity for We the People to accomplish something good in this tired world by helping a hamster or a small pig win $5,000. You can do this by using your smartphone to cast a vote while you wait in the supermarket checkout line surrounded by millions of Americans who are buying shiploads of toilet paper.
For anyone who has been living beneath a rock, the Cadbury Bunny is an international mascot that’s been around since 1982, when the UK-based confectionery company began airing TV commercials starring a Flemish Giant rabbit that clucked like a chicken. This bunny had the unique ability to lift its magical tail and drop chocolaty spherical objects which brought joy to America.
As it happens, I once had a pet bunny named Bill who did the same thing. Bill often slept in my room and was always dropping chocolaty objects on my rug, but these did not bring joy to my mother.
Today, Cadbury Creme Eggs in the US are produced by the Hershey Company, and I know I speak for every human being alive when I say that they are the best invention of the twentieth century, with a close second being penicillin.
Cadbury has a history of clever advertising campaigns. Their classic “Bunny Tryouts” TV commercial has aired a bazillion times since its debut, and still airs today. This ad features a pig, a lion, and a cat, all wearing bunny ears, trying to cluck like a chicken, auditioning for the role of the Cadbury Bunny. Here is an excerpt from the actual commercial transcript:
PIG (wearing bunny ears): Snort, snort.
LION (wearing bunny ears): BRAAAHHKK!!!!!
CAT (wearing bunny ears): Meeow.
Gives me chills.
The lion trying to cluck is the best part. When we were kids, I remember watching this with my cousin, Ed Lee, until we knew it by heart.
One year for the Baptist Easter egg hunt we even wore lions’ manes and bunny ears to help Miss Wannamaker’s Sunday school class search for eggs. We chased the younger children while yelling “BRAAAHHHK!” in a lion-like roar until many kids were so filled with Easter Joy that they had to change their pastel trousers.
But getting back to the Cadbury tryouts. The race is heating up this year. There are ten promising finalists competing to become this year’s bunny. I’ll list the top five:
FIFTH: Dilly Bar Dabbler, from Springfield, Missouri. Dilly is a female Pekin duck who is no stranger to the camera, best known for her appearance as a calendar girl in the highly controversial 2019 PetsWay calendar, in which Dilly appeared partially clothed.
FOURTH: Clawing for fourth is Ginger the hamster, from Brentwood, Tennessee. In Ginger’s audition video she is seen crawling through dollhouses and driving limousines. The video reaches an exciting crescendo when Ginger stands still for fifteen seconds.
THIRD: Ducky, a pomeranian from Huntington Beach, California. Ducky was recently diagnosed with heart disease, but is hanging in there. For the audition, Ducky sat in one place, smiling, for over two minutes.
This might not seem like a big deal if you aren’t a dog owner. But if you have dogs, you know that your own dogs could never sit still and smile for two straight minutes, unless of course men in ski masks were robbing your house.
SECOND: Lieutenant Dan, of New Richmond, Ohio. Lt. Dan is a dog with only two legs because of a deformity that required his back legs and tail to be amputated. Dan belongs to Laura Weber who adopted him when he was five months old.
Weber told reporters, “He doesn’t know that he’s handicapped, he just knows he has this wonderful life to live, and he enjoys every day of it.”
Dan has prosthetic wheels attached to his hind section which enable him to run and play just like four-legged dogs. I do not want to sway your vote, but if you don’t vote for Lt. Dan, you might be going to hell.
FIRST: Lunchbox, a whopping twenty-four-pound stray cat from Oklahoma City, who has become a state-wide celebrity and is committed to advancing the cause of animal adoption, reminding people that no matter how bad you think this weary and sad world is, Lunchbox is hungry and needs to be fed again.
Well, I’m running out of room, but I urge you to make your voice heard by voting now. The polls are only open for a few more days, and wouldn’t it be nice to take your mind off depressing things for a minute and look at pictures of cuddly animals?
If Lt. Dan wins, his mother says she will throw a huge canine party. It is my sincere hope that Lt. Dan DOES win. And I hope he reads this so he will invite me to attend the victory bash. I will be the partygoer who shows up wearing a lion’s mane and bunny ears.
I’ll also be carrying some gift-wrapped toilet paper.