Bad Grammar

This is a column about grammar.

I get a lot of comments about grammar. And after having studied the subject for years my ownself—mainly by reading thousands of critically acclaimed cereal boxes—I’ve decided to answer questions from a readers who inquire about various grammatical errors in my work nearly every day.

Let’s git started:

Q: Sean! Dangit! You should NEVER start a sentence with “however”. I saw this in your essay and was utterly disappointed in you.

A: Hello, friend. It is a common literary misconception that beginning a sentence with “however” is not permissible. However, it is completely acceptable as long as you: (1) follow “however” with a comma, and (2) get a life.

Q: Hi Sean, it’s not “butt naked,” it’s “buck naked.” Please use colloquialisms correctly or not at all.

A: I’m sorry, those are both wrong. In this part of Alabama, it’s actually “butt-[three-letter-word] nekkid.”

Q: When you say “irregardless,” I hope you know that you’re using a phony word and it undermines the value of your work.

A: Thank you. Two things:

First thing: Actually,“irregardless” is a real word, and while this may not be a word that you like, or a word that you would use when the bank forecloses on your house, the word has been in use for over 200 years, employed by a large number of educated people, published authors, and Alabamian trailer-park residents. Secondly: Don’t make me get butt nekkid over hear.

Q: Did you know that you often end sentences with prepositions? It makes the English teacher in me want to scream, study your own language! If you ever have a doubt about what a preposition is, just remember that a preposition is anything a rabbit can do to a log.

A: That’s inappropriate and uncalled for.

Q: There are typos in your work. Yesterday I found two mistakes in your column. Do you even have an editor? If so, you need to shoot them.

A: I’m not sure what you’re suggesting here is, technically, legal.

Q: I believe in your recent column about Hank Williams you misused “there” when you meant to write “their.” I am not normally put off by bad grammar, but this particular mishap really gets my goat.

A: Don’t let it get your goat. Remember, that anything a goat can do to a log is fine as long as both parties are consensual.

Q: Do you realize how many times I find misspellings in your columns? You need to look over your writing once or twice before hitting Publish, dude.

A: Your absolutely write.

Q: Many of my students don’t understand the difference between “further” and “farther.” The widely accepted rule is to use farther when discussing physical distance, such as “He went farther down the road.” Further is used when discussing symbolic distance, or a degree, as in “I want to discuss this further.”

A: What about the sentence “Luke, I am your further?”

Q: I am a 71-year-old English teacher in West Virginia, and I think it’s time we had a serious talk about dangling participles.

A: Aren’t you going to buy me dinner first?

Q: In grammar, a dangling participle is an adjective modifying the wrong noun in a sentence. An example is: “Walking through the house, the smoke alarm was going off.” This sentence literally means that the smoke alarm was taking a stroll through the house and beeping.

A: I think we should be more concerned about the fire than the dangling chad, don’t you?

Q: Why do you always use split infinitives?

A: What is a split infinitive?

Q: You don’t KNOW about split infinitives? You’re a writer, how can you NOT KNOW?

A: Hold up. Is that like saying, “Don’t let the door hit you where the Good Lord split infinitive”?

Q: No. A split infinitive is created by placing an adverb between the “to” and the verb—for example, “to happily run,” “to casually walk,” “to gently push.” You can’t get away with writing this way if you want to be taken seriously as an author.

A: Ma’am, it is my dream “To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

Q: Sean, I’m not sure you’ve figured out how to use “Me” versus “I.” I taught English for 41 years, here are a few examples to help. “JULIE AND I got into a fight.” “ME AND JULIE are going to fight.” “JULIE AND I hit each other with our purses.”

A: Julie sounds like a real treat.

Q: Dear Sean, you should proofread. Just because you write on Facebook doesn’t mean you’re a real writer.

A: Irregardless.

10 comments

  1. Susie Murphy - October 12, 2023 12:46 pm

    Picky, picky, picky. Just read the stuff and enjoy.

    Reply
  2. stephenpe - October 12, 2023 1:53 pm

    Apparently, many anal grammar LEO’s read your columns. However, it is your content that keeps me content. Your answers were, if not perfect, apropo. btw you are a REEL Righter 😉

    Reply
  3. William - October 12, 2023 3:26 pm

    Who’s doing what with a log?

    Reply
  4. Arthur T Wolf - October 12, 2023 4:23 pm

    Let’s see – it’s free, it’s funny, insightful, moving, and always a good read.

    But yes, by all means… “grammar”… sigh…

    And now standing by for the “ellipsis” police… 🙂

    “Aren’t you going to buy me dinner first?” Best laugh in a while. Thanks, Sean!

    Reply
  5. Becky Souders - October 12, 2023 6:03 pm

    Thanks for this one, Sean Dietrich. I have grammar pet peeves, but never make the effort to point them out to the writer. He’s writing; I’m not. Keep writing… you are a part of my day.

    Reply
  6. Rebecca Houghton - October 12, 2023 10:26 pm

    Love the articles you put out, Sean. Irregardless if they are grammatically correct or not. I enjoy getting to read your insightful stories about life. They make me happy.

    Reply
  7. Rebecca Houghton - October 12, 2023 10:28 pm

    Love the blog posts, Sean. Irregardless if they are grammatically correct. I enjoy getting to read your wonderful stories. They make me laugh, sometimes feel a bit emotional, and all around make me feel good.

    Reply
  8. Paul Sams - October 12, 2023 10:54 pm

    Good grammar is not a bad thing. However, imperfect grammar is not the end of the world. We have people with no homes, children who go hungry, we have people who are grieving because a loved one could not get proper medical care, we have people suffering from mental illness, we have people suffering from poverty. An act of kindness is an act of kindness whether or not the one giving that kindness with perfect grammar, or imperfect grammar. We can do unto others as we would want others to do to us with or without flawless grammar. I would say that kindness is more important than grammar.

    Reply
  9. Slimpicker - October 13, 2023 2:55 am

    There are those that can write and those that can only tech-edit. Sound like some of your readers can’t do either.
    I very much appreciate your sense of humor.
    Did you hear about the young man that got a box in the mail from his mother? It was full of letters so he could make a name for himself.

    Reply
  10. The Old Guy - October 14, 2023 2:21 am

    Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put!
    Winston Churchill

    Reply

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