Bad Haircuts

I had no idea that I was wearing an actual “Arkansas Beaver Tail” hairdo because I couldn’t see the back of my head.

You can imagine how shocked I was to discover that for the past two months I have been wearing a mullet haircut without knowing it.

This is not a joke. So please try to remain calm and do not get so horrified that you drop your cell phone, tablet e-reader, newspaper, or eight-month-old son.

But as it turns out, I have been parading around the Free World wearing a hairstyle that is cut short in the front, but long in the back. A hairstyle commonly known as an “Achy-Breaky-Big-Mistakey.” Or in certain regions, “The Mississippi Mudflap.”

I figured this out when I walked into a salon yesterday. As soon as I sat in the chair, I knew something was wrong. Because four professional hairdressers surrounded me and ran their fingers through my hair, saying things like, “You poor baby.” One of them even dropped her eight-month-old son.

Said one stylist, “What kind of a person did this to you, sweetheart?”

I had no idea what they were talking about.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

Jessica gripped the long hair behind my head and yanked it. “This,” she said. “I hate to break it to you, but THIS is a Tennessee Tophat.”

“A what?”

“You know,” another explained. “A Squirrel Pelt, a Texas Tidal Wave, a Dothan Dangler.”

“What’s that?”

“You mean to tell me you’ve never heard of a Kentucky Neckwarmer? A Floridian Fun Flap? A Missouri Compromise?”

“She’s right,” said another stylist. “Your hair is a full-fledged mullet.”

A girl named LaShanda held my long rat-tail and said, “I’ve never seen one up close before.”

“Yep,” said Jessica, holding a handheld mirror behind my head. “Business up front, party in the back.”

Of course this explains a lot. When I first got this haircut three months ago, I knew something was wrong. I got it in Huntsville, Alabama. I drove around looking for a place that accepted walk-ins.

This is because I am a guy, and guys do not bother to make actual appointments. My uncle, for instance, used to walk into any old barbershop unannounced and tell the man with the scissors to “Make me beautiful.”

And it always panned out well for him. Then again, his haircut was a fairly simple one. A few swipes and he was done. He would tip the guy fifty cents and walk out looking like an elderly Marine.

So this is how I learned to approach hair-care.

That day, I pulled into the rundown strip mall which was located between Billy’s Discount Liquors and the WE-CASH-CHECKS-4-U store. The salon sign read: “Walk-ins welcome.”

I walked in.

There were no people inside except for one lady who, I swear, was wearing a World Wrestling Entertainment T-shirt with the sleeves rolled up.

She asked what kind of a haircut I wanted, and I told her I just wanted “a trim.” Those were my exact words.

The woman fuzzed my hair and became misty-eyed. “God, you look JUST like my son, Jay Jay.”

“Jay Jay is a very nice looking man,” said I.

“Yep, we’re all so proud’a him. He’s up for parole in three months.”

I almost tore out the door. But she already had a cape around me and leather straps around my ankles.

What happened next can only be described as an out-of-body experience. She fired up a pair of livestock clippers, and with all the finesse of a deer processing plant, she tore me up. Hair went flying in all directions. Soon, the floor was littered with pieces of my dignity.

When she finished my haircut, she spun me around to face my reflection and I almost cried.

She covered her mouth and said, “Oh, look at Mama’s little Jay Jay.”

I stared at the mirror in a kind of shock. And in this moment, I was beginning to understand what drives a well-behaved young man to knock over a convenience store.

Even so, I STILL had no idea that I was wearing an actual “Arkansas Beaver Tail” hairdo because I couldn’t see the back of my head.

I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out. There were all sorts of indicators which I completely missed.

Like the time I was in the parking lot at Kmart and old man in a cutoff jean shorts was having car trouble and asked if I could loan him a koozie.

There was also the time when I was in Starbucks, and one of the young employees asked if I wouldn’t mind sitting outside because I was upsetting the young Range Rover owners.

I didn’t even realize I had a mullet even when my own wife saw my brand new haircut and commented, “Well, hello Peanut Festival Pete, come on in.”

So my hairdresser Jessica got out the scissors. Four women stood nearby and used their cellphones to video the whole ceremony.

LasShanda said, “It’s time to serve an eviction notice to that Camaro Cut.”

“Amen,” said another.

When Jessica finished my haircut, she ran her hands through my short hair. She even put a little gel in it and combed it sideways. She said, “Welcome back to normal society.”

I tipped her all I had and I carried a few locks of hair home so that I would never forget the only mullet haircut I ever had.

In all sincerity, I wish you the best of luck at your parole hearing, Jay Jay.

You good-looking man, you.


  1. Jan Bruck - September 16, 2019 7:04 am

    Too funny! You were on a roll with this one, for sure! Too bad you couldn’t post pictures!

  2. GaryD - September 16, 2019 10:06 am

    You made three mistakes:
    1. Don’t ever, ever go to a “salon”.
    2. Don’t ever, ever let a “hair dresser” touch your hair.
    3. Don’t ever, ever let a woman cut your hair.
    You need to find a good old fashioned barber shop with an elderly barber man at least sixty years old who has a chronic cough and doesn’t mind coughing on you and allows every bit of the cut hair to fall down your neck until you’re itching like a man on a fuzzy tree. You know, like the one I went to in Prichard, Alabama in the 60’s because he charged 25¢ while other barbers charged 50¢.

  3. Donna - September 16, 2019 10:35 am

    “Business up front, party in the back.” Howling!!! Thanks for the a-to-z laughs!!!

  4. Elizabeth - September 16, 2019 10:41 am

    My son told me mullets are back. God help us!!!

  5. LeAnne - September 16, 2019 11:19 am

    “I’ve never seen one up close before.” “Make me beautiful.” Thank you for all the laughs this morning, Sean!

  6. Joe Patterson - September 16, 2019 11:35 am

    Thanks again a good laugh to begin the week

  7. Meredith Smith - September 16, 2019 12:09 pm

    Sean, sometimes you come up with the funniest columns! I nearly spit out my coffee a couple times!
    Thank you for always making me laugh first thing in the morning!

  8. Connie Havard Ryland - September 16, 2019 1:17 pm

    Thanks for the giggles this morning. That’s the thing about a bad haircut-sooner or later you need another cut. It grows back. Usually…

  9. Suzanne Mattson - September 16, 2019 1:25 pm

    I have so much respect for your wife: “Well hello Peanut Festival Pete!” That laugh-out-loud cracked me up!!

  10. Tim Peace - September 16, 2019 1:39 pm

    This one had me rolling!

    But come on man….after all that….we need to see the goods! LOL!

  11. Debbie - September 16, 2019 1:43 pm

    This story is missing one thing … A PHOTO OF THE “NEW & IMPROVED” YOU!

  12. Edna B. - September 16, 2019 1:55 pm

    Thanks for the morning giggles. You have a wonderful day, hugs, Edna B.

  13. SidC - September 16, 2019 2:50 pm

    Reminds me of the Cheers episode when Sam wanted to be a mentor, “There aren’t bad boys, only boys with bad haircuts.” Sean, good one today!

  14. Shelton A. - September 16, 2019 3:03 pm

    There is only one cure for a mullet and you went through it…and came out whole on the other side. Thanks be to God!

  15. Lyn Ellis - September 16, 2019 3:15 pm

    Great story! You need to get the book “Skinnybones” by Barbara Park and read the chapter where Alex (AKA Skinnybones) gets a haircut. The whole book is hysterically funny, but this chapter is the best! Really – read it! And laugh til you cry. I used to teach fifth grade. I would read this book to my class every year. The first time I read this aloud and got to the baseball game at the end of the book, I literally fell of my chair laughing and could not read to a class of 25 kids who were all yelling “WHAT HAPPENED???” If you need a laugh, read this book. And, enjoy your haircut.

  16. Cathy Moss - September 16, 2019 4:08 pm

    Truly, The Mullet wins first place for the most unfortunate hair cut of mis cut that has ever been on the planet. It’s just plain hideous and I don’t know who did that to you, but it’s grounds for a law suit😂

  17. debbie wilson - September 16, 2019 5:54 pm

    Oh no! Please give my niece, Tiffony, a call. (850) 460-8866 She works at Grand Boulevard/ Siper Cut in Destin/ Miramar Beach. You will not be disappointed! She has the magic!! No more Mullets!!!! Haha

  18. Linda Moon - September 16, 2019 7:36 pm

    The 2 Moons sure did enjoy seeing the 2 Burton Twins and the 2 Dietrichs in Pintlala, Alabama! The new normal haircut you were sporting worked well for you, you good-looking man!!

  19. Brenda - September 16, 2019 7:47 pm

    From the daughter of old time barber, and mother of son who wore a mullet , loved this. Thanks

  20. Tim House - September 16, 2019 11:44 pm

    I never knew there were so many euphemisms for a mullet! Hilarious. 🙂

  21. Donnie - October 9, 2019 9:16 pm

    Mullets, not just for fish anymore…….. You are the best Sean…..


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