Hi, God,
It’s me again. I know it’s been a while since my last prayer, so I don’t blame you if you choose not to listen to a hopeless fool like me.
The truth is, I’m just not a great guy. I wish I had a better excuse than this, but I don’t. And if I offered you a better excuse, you’d know I was lying.
I’m slothful. I have bad habits. Sometimes I don’t do the right thing. And oftentimes, I forget to pray.
The reason for this is because I grew up in a Baptist fundamentalist household. My mother forced me to pray each night at gunpoint. We uttered morbid prayers that struck terror into the hearts of children.
I grew up with clinically diagnosed Rapture Anxiety. I was terrified that if I wasn’t taken in the Rapture, I’d be left here on earth to suffer with all the Methodists.
And then there was the prayer Granny made me memorize. “Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.” There has never been a more sadistic prayer.
“Now I lay me down to sleep,
“I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
“If I should die before I wake,
“I pray the Lord my soul to take.”
Die before I wake? Who came up with that? And they wondered why I peed the bed.
My wife. Now there’s a praying person. She keeps a handwritten list. Every night before supper, my wife prays for each person she’s ever met since third grade. From the Vietnamese exchange student she met in preschool, to former professional wrestlers.
I have a difficult time staying alert during such suppertime prayers. My head sinks lower with each word, until eventually my forehead is on the table and our food has developed a thin layer of frost on the surface
But me? I’m just not devout. I know, I know. I should beat myself up about this. But I’m tired of beating myself up.
I’ve been beating myself up for years because I’ve never been what everyone else thinks I should be. I’m a disappointment to a lot of people.
I’m unsuccessful in so many areas of life. I’m not fishing for sympathy. I’m only saying.
I’m an academic shipwreck. I am lazy. If I had a third hand, I’d need a third pocket to put it in. I am unfocused. Disorganized. Dyslexic. A dropout. I do not make my bed, sometimes for days on end, until my wife threatens to marry the plumber.
So again, I don’t blame you if you don’t listen to my beseechment. You have every right.
But.
If you were inclined to receive an imploration from a fool like me, here is my request:
Please help the children I recently saw on Facebook. This happened after I had just settled down to begin writing.
There I was. I had intended to write something completely different. I started tapping away on my keyboard when I saw these sweet kids on my computer screen.
Acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Nuroblastoma. Lymphoma. Retinoblastoma. Soft tissue Sarcoma. These kids have undergone procedure after procedure. Invasive treatments. Brain surgery. Skin grafts. Spinal chemo. You name it.
I started crying when I watched a video of a young girl relearning how to walk in the corridors of the hospital. I wept when I read about how these families have fought.
I know you’re up there, God. I know you’re listening. And even though this prayer is coming from the lips of a failed human, help these kids.
Do your thing, Lord. Throw your weight around. Prove to everyone what you’re capable of. Don’t do it because I asked. Do it because in an age of discontent, disaster, and profound distrust, fools like me need something to believe in.
Very truly yours,
—A hopeless fool
5 comments
PAUL F Sams - October 21, 2024 3:21 am
Sean, I will do the best I can here. Disclosure: I am a United Methodist. I had been away from the Church since my Sunday School class decided to scold me about the woman I was seeing. The Lady was older than me, we were both single, and I was crazy about her. I pointed out to the three men who were talking down to me how many marriages the three of them had had, and my new Lady friend and I were both single. But, they stayed on course and told me I had to choose my Sunday School class or my new Lady friend. It was an easy choice. My Lady friend became my wife and we had 40 years of marriage before she passed away. She is still a part of me. I finally returned to the United Methodist Church after I moved to Birmingham. I was treated like a long lost friend, and I am now a member. I believe God hears your prayers, and I would bet that he loves you just as you are. They things that I know of from reading your articles how you show your love and compassion to children. I can’t think of anything greater than love and compassion. Keep being who you are. I hope you will excuse me for being long winded, and I’m also a bit scatter brained. Thank you sir.
Paul Sams
Sarah Cassidy Barnes - October 21, 2024 6:08 pm
Hi Sean! I’m almost finished with my first introduction to you by book.. I picked up Will the Circle Be Unbroken from the Tallassee Library last week and I’m allllmost done. Your past and experiences and wordings of things resonate so much. As I’m sure you hear all the time as an author. I lost my daddy by you could call suicide, or overdose, or just plain giving up. Grew up in the South, raised by my granny mostly, one of those sancitified church ladies you mention so many times through out. We were Pentecostal though. I am definitely familiar with Rapture Anxiety as I’ve never heard it called, but explains it quite perfectly.. I haven’t been feeling it as much lately, which in a way turns into even more guilt that I’m even further from where I need to be if God isn’t weighing heavier on my soul to push me. It’s a weird world. I’m sorry I can’t say much for the suffering of young children.. I pray for mine just about every day if I forget to pray for anything else. I can’t imagine the pain babies and parents go through in hospitals. It’s one of my greatest fears. These are all just comments to stay relevant. But mainly to say hello, and that I admire your work. That your book has brought a few years to my eyes. And that I appreciate you as an artist and from what I know of you, as a person. I’ll be checking the library for more by you. Thank you!
Sarah Cassidy Barnes - October 21, 2024 7:46 pm
Hello! I have just became familiar of you through a book I picked up from the Tallassee Library, Will the Circle Be Unbroken.. your words and stories have touched my heart in many ways with familiarity, nostalgia, and my own personal demons and growth. As I’m sure you hear all the time as an established author.. Like you mention, we all have struggles unseen. Your daddy reminds me a lot of my own who I also lost to you could call it either suicide, overdose, or just plain giving up.. and I was also mainly raised by my granny, one of those cherished hardworking church ladies you mention so many times through out, except she was Pentacostal. When people have asked me where home was all I ever could say was 231, as I’ve been littered here and there amongst that highway always. The familiarity of your book was extremely touching for me. Came to tears through a few times, laughs, and smiles. To stay relevant to the post I’m commenting on Rapture Anxiety is the perfect word for it. What’s even more ironic is the less I feel it at times the more damned I think my soul is for God must not being lying heavy on it at the moment. Your wife is beautiful as I’ve learned through the books, you are blessed to have her by your side, and I’ve grown to think you’re beautiful too at least though what I’ve read and that she is also. I don’t pray as often as I should either, I try to at least pray for my children every day and say thanks for them if nothing else.. all those going through sickness young and old is a sadness to bear.. Thank you again for the words you put together, and for sharing your experiences.. when I go to turn in my book I’m gonna be sure to check if they have any other copies of yours. Much love, Sarah from Wetumpka.
Donna L Grubb - October 22, 2024 11:18 am
Dearest Sean, What is this about mother made you pray at gunpoint? Then rapture anxiety oh my why in your book you never said this. In regards to Ellie Mae oh if dogs could talk dearest. In the book Will the Circle be Broken i was led on a journey threw your words that living in Virginia told me about other places outside. I was drawn to the fried chicken and your life. In my case I remain captive to past demons. I seem to have lost my purpose after my children left home. It opened up my mind to I’ve become a failure.
stephenpe - October 22, 2024 4:00 pm
I pray for those kids too. And the hurricane victims and the victims in the middle east wars. Keep praying, Sean. Im a philistine much like you but prayer seems to help.