DEAR SEAN:

I’m sorry I’m emailing you cause I know you probably won’t answer this… I am in sixth grade and I don’t think my stepdad likes me cause he’s only been my stepdad for a year… But he’s not super talkative to me.

Ever since my mom has been with him I haven’t seen her because she’s always with him and not with me and I feel like I’m pretty much alone now. My real dad is not someone I know at all, so he’s pretty much nothing for us because he lives in California and never calls me or anything. I don’t know why I’m emailing. Anyway, that’s really it.

Okay, thanks,
SAD-GIRL-IN-GREENVILLE

DEAR GREENVILLE:

Let’s take a look at the American Guy.

I have here an illustrated anatomical chart of the American Guy’s brain. Yes, I realize the Guy Brain is a lot smaller than you expected.

But allow me to direct your attention to the Emotion Sector, way over here, located just above the Queso Dip sector, to the left of the Gaseous Bodily Noise sector. Notice how small this emotional section is? Especially when this sector is compared to, for example, the Budweiser Lobe.

This tells us some important information about guys. Such as, guys are, by and large, very dumb.

I can say this because I am a guy. And therefore, I am dumb. I do not mean this negatively. It’s just a fact of nature. We are dumb compared to women, and this is just the truth.

On the Sixth Day of Creation, God took one look at man and said, “I can do better than this.” And then he did.

The problem with us guys, of course, is that we are not known for exhibiting emotions.

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that guys don’t HAVE emotions. We do. It’s just that guys only show important emotions during critical events, such as NCAA National Championships.

But for the other 364 days of the year, many guys remain pretty quiet. Some guys are more quiet than others. One example of this is my uncle Tommy Lee, who set a record for not speaking more than six words over a period spanning from the Roosevelt Administration to the Clinton Administration.

Although it should be noted that, just because guys are quiet, and emotionally distant, and withdrawn, and dense, this doesn’t mean that we guys don’t love you.

Sometimes, this is just how guys are. You have to realize, guys aren’t even warm and fuzzy with each other.

Two guys could sit together, after not seeing each other for years, and hold a sparse conversation that is entirely based upon the importance of a “4-3” defense.

Which is a lot different than the way women do things. A woman, for instance, can have a 94-minute phone call with a woman she hasn’t seen in 29 years and by the end of the call, she will know everything about her friend’s life, including what her current hairstyle is.

Whereas a guy can meet up with an old friend he hasn’t seen since middle school, and after a lengthy conversation of, at maximum, six minutes, never even notice that his friend has a new prosthetic leg.

So if your step dad isn’t Mister Congeniality, try not to hold it against him. It’s probably not very easy joining a new family. He might be doing the best he can.

Moreover, your biological dad might want to talk to you, but he doesn’t know how because he doesn’t want to overstep.

I suppose what I’m saying is, all this non-talkative behavior likely doesn’t mean people doesn’t care about you. Some guys are just not good at showing how they feel. I know it’s not fair, and you deserve better, but as I say, guys are dumb.

I am not a smart man—because I am a dumb guy—but I can tell you this, sweetie:

You ARE loved, whether or not you know it or not. You are loved by more than just your mom, biological dad and step dad, too. You’re loved by a LOT of people. I know this for 100-percent certain, because I’m one of those people.

And you can email me anytime.