“I am nineteen,” the note began. “…There is a boy I like. He’s nice to me, but I don’t if he actually likes me back. I’m not super pretty. I’m okay, I guess, but not much to write home about. How can I get him to like me back?”

“Sincerely,
“SLEEPLESS-IN-SPOKANE.”

DEAR SLEEPLESS:

First thing’s first. Relax. Take a deep breath.

Males are no deep mystery. The internet gurus, female experts, and editors of Cosmopolitan magazine would have you believe that males are complex animals. The truth is, we are painfully simple.

I’m not saying we’re stupid. Our brains are just different, and less organized than females. This is evidenced by the way males load dishwashers.

Basic male differences begin before birth. During the first seven weeks in the womb all babies are female. After gestation, testosterone floods the womb and ruins the male brain.

But it’s okay inasmuch as testosterone makes males less susceptible to pain. Nature’s way of toughening us. Our culture embraces these differences. You can see this demonstrated at birth.

When a girl is born, what does she get? Pink booties, pink ribbons, pink blankets. When a boy is born, what does he get? Circumcised.

There are, however, some things you can do to stand out from the crowd when it comes to getting this guy’s attention.

Firstly, let’s talk about something called the Benjamin Franklin effect.

Franklin was famous for asking favors from people who he wanted to like him. After doing the favor, suddenly the person would be, more or less, a friend.

This theory has been tested hundreds of times, throughout history, consistently proven. And there’s a reason why it works.

I should point out that I’m not a psychologist, I’m just a hillbilly with an overbite. But the reason this trick works is because of something called cognitive dissonance. Which is a fancy way of saying that the brain can’t hold two conflicting ideas.

Your brain either likes someone, or it doesn’t. When you do a kindness for someone your brain says, “Hey, I must like this person, because I just helped them.”

This is Male Friendship 101. Guys want to be seen as doers. We like to do stuff. Give us something to DO. Give us a chance to be helpful. It’s how we’re wired.

When I was a kid, for example, whenever my neighbor Bill was outside working on his car, magically three or four neighborhood guys would appear, standing around, supervising, and helping Bill drink Michelob products.

They stood nearby, arms crossed, spitting, talking about carburetors, CV axles, and the importance of relief pitching. And to the untrained eye these men appeared to be engaging in bovine scatology. But they just wanted to help.

The second, and most important thing to consider, however, is something you’re overlooking. And that’s yourself.

How much do you think you’re worth? If you’re not sure, give yourself a number value. Consider your attributes: Smarts, talents, life prospects, and overall hotness. Now give this boy a number value based on the same scale. When you’re finished, compare the numbers.

Is his number higher than yours? If so, you’ve already lost the race.

Because the fact is, you’re pretty freaking amazing. You are not just “okay, I guess.” You are positively the most unique person to ever walk the planet. Just like everyone else.

But if you don’t value yourself; if you think you’re ordinary; if you don’t see yourself as the most beautiful miracle God ever created; then you’re not only blowing your chances at a meaningful relationship.

You’re also wrong.

Write back. Let me know how it works out.