The honey bees are dead. They keep disappearing. Because of this, scientists predict one day mankind will no longer have peaches, tomatoes, magnolias, coffee, Home Depots, the NFL, the Atlantic Ocean, or mothers.
In other breaking news: the political candidates ate breakfast. Sorry. You probably expected something more exciting than that. But it’s all we got.
More headlines: a wealthy athlete remained seated during the National Anthem. Mosquitoes continue to spread a virus which turns people into cream-cheese-colored puss. Toxic algae grows in Florida. Cellphones cause thumb numbness.
And studies prove 2016 was the most homicidal year since Thomas Edison invented the drive-up ATM.
Florida Fish and Wildlife developed new taxes on deer hunting. Deer hunters fight back by not giving a damn.
Coffee will kill you. So will smiling.
Apple unveils new iPhone—recent reports find older iPhones are unexplainably malfunctioning.
The presidential candidates ate pastrami for lunch—stay tuned for further updates.
Hurricane Hermine brews in Gulf of Mexico, threatening the slaughter of millions of babies and unadopted kittens. Evacuation rumors reverberate throughout Gulf Coast.
Weather Channel’s Jim Cantore tells ABC news affiliates, “I’ve seen a lot of freaky $#*@, man, I don’t think the human race will survive this.”
Sports and health headlines:
SEC coach, Nick Saban, instructs Alabama players to stand for anthem unless they want the door to hit them where the Good Lord split them.
Also: gluten makes you live longer. Beer does too. Never mind. We’re wrong. They both kill you. Wait. No, they extend lifespans. Scratch that. It’s kale. Definitely kale. If you want to make it past forty-five, you’d better eat kale.
In other updates:
Teacher finds syringe in child’s lunchbox. Child expelled from kindergarten due to zero-tolerance drug policies. Mother of kindergartener sues teacher for theft of six-thousand-dollar epi-pen.
Drinking water in lower Alabama infected with dangerous levels of politics.
In the continuing war on America’s drug crisis, Congress outlaws Willie Nelson music.
Presidential candidates assert they are not concerned whether honeybees die by the thousands, since bees are, technically, illegal aliens and don’t pay U.S. taxes.
Groundbreaking study reveals Graham crackers cause pediatric leukemia.
Zika virus claims innocent life in Texas—at least journalists think that’s what it was. Though it could’ve been just a regular heart attack. Either way, Americans are warned never to eat anything but kale. Always kale.
Also—and I’m not making this up—two hundred thousand more honeybees just died in the time it took you to read this.
This just in: studies show reading headlines leads to clinical depression.
Thanks for reading the news.