I am looking for the peanut butter in my kitchen. But I can’t find it. I can never find things in my own house because I am married.
Just when I figure out where the silverware is located, or the peanut butter, or the master bathroom, my wife changes everything around. Then she changes it again.
When I ask her about it, she offers no explanation other than: “I moved the peanut butter above the dishrag drawer.”
If I actually knew where the dishrag drawer was located it would be smooth sailing. But I have not been able to find our dishrag drawer since the late 1990s.
So I just keep looking around for the peanut butter, opening and closing cupboards until I end up staring into a cabinet filled with vitamins and one Oster six-speed hand mixer. Then, I completely forget what I was looking for and end up on the sofa watching the “Young and the Restless.”
I forget things because we men have short attention spans. I get distracted all the time. I can be talking about one thing, then suddenly (bam!) did you know that a squirrel’s front teeth never stop growing?
Which is true, by the way.
This attention deficit problem in males is annoying to women. But it’s just part of being a man. We can be very thickheaded.
This is why a man can wander into his own kitchen, open his OWN refrigerator, stare at fourteen different kinds of mustard on the door, including the moldy Grey Poupon that nobody has thrown away since his cousin’s wedding reception last summer, and without the slightest irony ask his wife, “Do we have any mustard?”
At my in-law’s house it was salad dressing instead of mustard. My father-in-law would accumulate salad dressing like nobody’s business. I finally figured out why when I went shopping with him.
He would take three steps into a Piggly Wiggly, pause, scratch his head, and say, “What the hell am I doing at a grocery store?”
Then, as a card-carrying man, he would do the only logical thing to do in moments of memory lapse. He would buy French dressing.
When we would arrive home, he would be carrying a paper sack filled with important household items such as popsicles, a wooden paddle with a rubber ball attached, a straw hat, a licorice whip, a Danielle Steel novel, and salad dressing.
And his wife would shout, “What’s all this? I sent you into town to renew our car tags!”
So the orphaned salad dressings ultimately found their way into a section of the refrigerator known as No Man’s Land. This is where ancient condiments went to die. Some bottles were so old that the labels bore campaign advertisements for Dwight D. Eisenhower.
Even worse, when my father-in-law would serve salad for supper, he would arrange these bottles on the table like precious antiques. During the meal, dinner guests would unknowingly select a bottle of Thousand Island dressing that dated back to World War II. They would pour it onto their salads, chew their food with very polite smiles, and die within forty-eight hours.
But that’s a guy for you. Men aren’t as interested in petty things like expiration dates or food poisoning.
Some women criticize their husbands for being so lax, but that’s not fair. You don’t hear men complaining about various quirks common to many wives.
We don’t gripe about how our bathroom vanities are littered with thirty thousand tubes of something called Neutrogena, eighty-five earrings of the same shape and size, and one cosmetic tool meant for curling eyelashes which resembles a torture device from a slasher movie.
And don’t even get us men started on how a woman will take a perfectly comfortable bed and cover it with “throw pillows.” These pillows look like real pillows, but are not meant to be used by civilians. In fact, they aren’t supposed to be touched. They are for looks only.
I once knew a man who mistakenly used his wife’s throw pillow for taking a nap. He was dragged behind the house and shot.
It’s the same way with the decorative napkins we received as a wedding gift. I am not allowed to use them. Not even when they are folded up and sitting beside my actual dinner plate.
Once, we were eating chili and I reached for my napkin. My wife shouted, “NO! WHAT’RE YOU CRAZY?”
“What’d I do?” I asked.
“DON’T USE THAT!”
“But I need to wipe my chin.”
“You’ll ruin it if you do that.”
“What am I supposed to use?”
“Go get a rag from the dishrag drawer.”
So this is just part of life. We men and women have to learn how to coexist without judgement or criticism. And even though we don’t always understand each other, it’s important to try.
So if you are a male, lost in his own kitchen, and you have no idea where the peanut butter is, don’t worry about this because squirrels are tree-dwelling mammals who are double-jointed.
Hey, wait a minute.
What am I doing in the grocery store?
Sandi. - September 14, 2019 7:12 am
Thanks for the chuckles, Sean. I’m wondering if your father-in-law might have been a distant relative of mine, because I confess that I have numerous bottles of salad dressing in my refrigerator! Now I need to go in the kitchen and ferret out those with expired labels.
By the way, do you prefer crunchy or creamy peanut butter? The answer to this reveals a lot about a person.
Ann - September 14, 2019 10:42 am
This is sooooooo funny and there is a lot of truth in it….these are the “ things” that keep a marriage going…
Naomi - September 14, 2019 11:03 am
Sean, I am a woman and I still have a wooden spice rack with small jars of spices that I received as a wedding present in 1962. However, it’s my husband who puts stuff up where I can’t find them. I have not changed where the dishes, pots and pans, silverware or anything else goes in almost 40 years, but he still can’t find anything.
Joe Patterson - September 14, 2019 12:04 pm
Love it so true ate some pizza the other night and a real good piece of cake woke up about 2 AM heart burn headed for the anti acid pills right above our stove where we keep a lot of our medicines open the door to the cabinets it is gone no where realize my wife has gone through the cabinets and thrown out any of the meds that were dated I don’t think these tums tablets were dated but they with many other little used items have been trashed .I had no idea tums had expiration dates but they must have .No since in getting upset when I ask her she will just act like who moved them must have been me because she didn’t touch them .Enough said any more she will get upset with me and act like I have misplaced them much simpler just to sit here until I burp and buy another bottle tomorrow.I am going to check the expiration date though.Thanks again
Rhonda - September 14, 2019 12:21 pm
Alright Sean, this piece just goes to show that life levels itself out. The males may be King but the Queen can run you like a rabbit without getting off of the couch. Walt hates when I rearrange the kitchen so I make sure to do it at least twice a year. It keeps him alive when he does things like dry his truck with my BRAND NEW WHITE bath towels…… I have to go rearrange the kitchen.
Johnny - September 14, 2019 12:33 pm
And I thought there was something wrong with me. Thank you, Sean, for reminding me that I’m just a normal guy. You nailed it, Bro.
Connie Havard Ryland - September 14, 2019 1:00 pm
Funny. My newlywed granddaughter is finding all this out. It’s interesting watching them discover all the things that I found out decades ago.
Dianne - September 14, 2019 2:16 pm
As I was reading your story today my husband was getting a pork butt ready to smoke. He does a little of the cooking and knows where all the spices and herbs are BUT, he needed a container with a lid about a cup size. After directing him to find that it was the mop brush for his sauce. We got all of that taken care of and he goes out to set up the smoker. I had cleaned off the back porch in the Spring and ask him to put the smoker away since he doesn’t use it that much. He had put it in the shed in the back with all of his tools he doesn’t use anymore. He came back in the house all upset because he couldn’t find his smoker, asking me if I knew where it was, so I get up from my coffee and get dressed so I can go look for his smoker. I’m on my way out and he is coming in with that big goofy smile on his face, looks at me and said who would have thought there would be milk in the shed? We have a running joke ” did you look behind the milk?”. Well it was behind the milk or should I say ladder.
Thank goodness we have always be able to laugh at each other instead of getting mad. It sure make life a lot happier.
Linda Moon - September 14, 2019 3:39 pm
Earlier this morning male attention spans, specifically the lack thereof, have already been discussed in this marriage…..which led to A.M. Annoyance before the second cup of coffee kicked in. Grocery store distractions are a regular occurrence. They can be more easily managed, however, in the world of cell phones when instructions to call before you get to the check-out line are followed. So, when you guys begin to chase squirrels in the kitchen and become lost in a grocery store, Try. It’s important!!
Debbie - September 14, 2019 4:44 pm
Spot on, Sean!!! Made me laugh out loud!
Myra G. - September 14, 2019 10:20 pm
I’m dying over here! My hubby does the exact same thing with salad dressing. Never mind that we don’t have company more than once or twice a year: Gosh forbid we couldn’t provide as many choices as the salad bar at Luby’s. 🙂
That's jack - September 15, 2019 2:24 am
you convince us boys you are so danged smart, then THIS. You can act like you enjoy watching TV all night, or admit it, you have been relegated to the couch. And here I thought you wuz smart!
But I did enjoy reading as you slowly headed for the couch! You will learn. It takes time. This month we have been married 63 years and I haven’t seen the couch at night in many years, because I LEARNED. Your lessons start tonight!…… 😉
Sherry & jack
Estelle S Davis - September 15, 2019 5:25 am
I do not move things in my house. I can walk thru it at nite without turning on the lights. The same goes with the pantry and refrigerator. My husband cannot find anything even if it is right in front of him. It is called seeing but not observing. He stood at the refrigerator looking for pickles. They were in front of him (literally). I came and handed them to him. They were on the right side of the shelf instead of right in the middle. You have to accept what is. He was that way when we married 58 years ago so I don’t see him changing any time soon.🤣 It’s a man thing.
Barbara A W Hood - September 15, 2019 2:37 pm
I was sired by a man, married to two men, gave birth to four boys (now men), who have sired three boys. As the lone woman in most of these situations, I confirm that your report is accurate and makes no sense at all from my point of view. But, we all love you all and wouldn’t trade the world for you. You are our cherished treasure. My face hurts from laughing, MaHuck
AL SMOLKO - September 15, 2019 3:11 pm
THAT ARTICLE WAS BETTER THAN GOING TO THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE… IT CURED (OR AT LEAST EXPLAINED) ABOUT 95% OF MY MEMORY PROBLEMS AND LOWERED MY BLOOD PRESSURE BY THIRTY POINTS AT LEAST
Michael Thompson - September 15, 2019 4:33 pm
Spot on sir, spot on!
Michael - September 15, 2019 7:08 pm
OMG are you living my life? You nailed it Sean every aspect of it. I can’t lay anything on the counters for in a blink of the eye SWOOSH! it’s gone. I have spent time going thur cabinets looking for an item only to find it has been moved cause it didn’t look good there. I just couldn’t believe how you did nail it. Ive always told my sweet wife if I ever loose my site I’m done for as she will move all the furniture around and wonder why I fell and broke my leg. because that’s what she does,
Joanna - September 15, 2019 7:12 pm
Love this!! Thanks for a good laugh out loud story..
Donna Manchester Korbe - September 16, 2019 12:05 am
Always always love your stories!❤🥰😊
Tim Peace - September 16, 2019 1:51 pm
Thanks for making me start my day with out loud laughter!
Paula Pace - September 19, 2019 6:28 am
I’m going to give you the highest compliment that I can – this post puts you in the same league as Lewis Grizzard. While I enjoy everything that you write, I was laughing so hard that I thought I was going to wake up my husband while I was reading this one. PS: we’ve been married 48 years and he still can’t find anything in the kitchen.
Dru Brown - September 29, 2021 1:01 am
I thought of Lewis Grizzard, too! I really laughed out loud, which doesn’t happen much lately. More, please!
Helen De Prima - May 31, 2021 1:15 pm
My husband can never find anything, especially if the item is six inches from where he expects it to be — it’s chromosomal. Men get married to have a finder and for someone to buy gifts for their mothers.
Anne Arthur - May 31, 2021 1:59 pm
Writing the truth with lots of humor. What a great read to begin my morning! LOL
Vicki - June 3, 2021 12:28 am
I had a husband once who, after 15 years in the house, walked into the kitchen and asked, “Where is it you keep the forks???” I am out of prison now.