DEAR SEAN:
My friends and I are at odds right now and sometimes I think they are meaner than I ever remember them being. It’s never been like this. I just want to know if you think this pandemic is making us meaner?
Thanks,
NINETEEN-IN-BATON-ROUGE
DEAR NINETEEN:
I’m not going to say publicly that people are getting meaner because, for one thing, they might gut me and roast me over a shallow pit, thereby turning me into a rack of Christmas ribs. But I think people are definitely stressed out, and therefore they’re acting like it.
And if you think I’m exaggerating, just try this experiment: post something online. A picture of your cat. A selfie. A daily column that contains roughly 800 words. Give it a few minutes, eventually your doorbell will ring and a mob will be on your front lawn holding pitchforks and torches.
No, I’m kidding about the torches. They’ll actually be holding cellphone flashlights.
But the point is, yes, I think people are ticked off in general. Take me. I’m receiving more ugly emails from readers than ever before during this pandemic. Just today, a guy in Virginia wrote, he called me a “lair and a deciever.”
I have friends who have also noticed this anger trend. One of my pals, I’ll call him Matt, is a great person, a super accomplished writer, and uses words like “ubiquitous” in conversations while keeping a straight face. Matt noticed meanness on his personal blog last month.
It started when his mother got COVID-19. She had intense symptoms. Matt wrote that he was frightened, his kids were worried, and he also asked his readers to pray.
Let’s pause here. You’d think people would’ve overloaded him with sympathy, right? You’d think little elderly ladies would have put his mother’s name on the First Baptist email prayer chain, right? Maybe sent a casserole? Wrong. People got out their pitchforks. They called him “part of the lies,” whatever that means.
To be honest, it’s not clear WHAT exactly Matt’s readers were angry about. But it was enough for him to take his blog website off the internet for good. I’ll bet Matt would agree that, like me, he’s never considered himself a “lair and a deciever” before.
Then again, maybe Matt and I are only lairing to ourselves.
But that’s nothing. About a month ago I got an email from a high-school girl. She said she’d shared a video online, a creative video diary about how crummy life is during a pandemic, and how hard it’s been. She expected her online friends to support her, maybe offer encouragement.
Get this. Minutes after she posted, the PARENTS of her classmates started thumb-typing criticisms. They came down upon this child like a falling Steinway. They said she was basically a sniveling brat who was whining about nothing. “Suck it up,” was the main thrust of their helpful comments. We’re talking about a tenth-grader here.
The girl’s mother kept reminding her daughter to focus on the well-wishes and the atta-girl comments. But frankly, who can do that? It’s like being in a room with 10 nice people and the eleventh guy punches you in the mouth. Which person are you going to remember most?
So yes, it seems like people are being uglier than usual. But before we get too down in the dumps about it, human beings also have the capacity to be gracious, selfless, and incredibly kind. And these little acts of charity happen millions of times each hour of each day. I choose to believe in this pervasive goodness, even when I can’t see it.
I’ll never forget when I saw one such act of goodwill in New Orleans, several years ago. I was walking around those gloriously colorful side streets, eating a Lucky Dog, killing hours. I saw a streetband playing for tips. They were a stunning group. These guys were some of the best jazz players I’ve ever seen.
To watch them handle their instruments was inspiring. The trumpet man played Louis Armstrong almost better than Satchmo himself.
It was during their performance that a boy, maybe 12, approached the bandleader, carrying a ratty cornet case. He asked if he could play a tune. The lead musician smiled and said sure, so the nervous kid started warming up his mouthpiece.
But here’s the thing. When the kid finally started to play—and I say this with respect—he was not very good. Everyone knew it right away. He could hardly play three notes without running out of wind.
So what do you think happened next? What do you think everyone did? Did the crowd hurl rotten veggies? Did they blow razzberries? Did they give him the old Bronx Cheer?
I’ll tell you what they did. The crowd did one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. They started applauding the kid. Loudly. They were shouting and howling like fans at a Stones concert. The band musicians were, likewise, fuzzing the kid’s hair, telling him what a wonderful cornet player he was.
The kid became another person. Instantly, you could see his face change. You saw confidence rising within him like mercury in a thermometer. And even though this child might have been the weakest cornet player in the Crescent City, he must have felt like King Oliver. And suddenly (guess what?) he was playing much better!
My heart grows 352 sizes just remembering what that crowd did for that kid. It was perhaps the nicest thing I ever saw. And if you ask me, I don’t believe it’s too late to get that kind of niceness back into our society again. Not if we try. So allow me to try first:
Keep playing your song, sweetheart.
And pay no attention to the lairs.
60 comments
Amy - December 10, 2020 6:33 am
God bless this sweet letter writer! Folks are so stressed lately that I’m surprised more haven’t snapped. I read something the other day, ‘if you can be anything, be kind’. I loved that and try to remember it. God bless y’all Sean.
Bill Strawn - December 10, 2020 6:36 am
Thank you, Sean. Always good to see your column and I hope I can remember to be one of the audience that cheers on the person suffering. Good bless you.
Christina - December 10, 2020 7:00 am
Dear Nineteen: listen to Sean and keep playing your song. We are all applauding here!
Jean Young - December 10, 2020 7:04 am
I am one of your fans from San Diego no less. Found your column when I was quarantined in Chattanooga for 6 months with my daughter and her family. Just got back to SD a couple of weeks ago and look forward to your reflections. This mornings blog about Margret Keen was so hopeful. I forwarded it to my friends and family and received wonderful comments back. Keep the faith, good people are all around you. You just have to look a little closer my friend.
Deborah L Blount - December 10, 2020 9:05 am
Bravo! I heartily agree!
Ralph - December 10, 2020 10:17 am
Love you Sean, mean it.
Barb Fisher - December 10, 2020 11:22 am
You did some misspellings just to see if we were paying attention, didn’t you? Love your blogs and the first thing I read every morning. Keep up the good work. Looking forward to seeing you one of these days when this curse is over. It’s been 3 times, but who’s counting.. My very best to you and Jamie. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Ann - December 10, 2020 11:33 am
You are sooo right about the nasty ones standing out, but it doesn’t take much to blink and look at all the good people around…not look but SEE…holding a door for someone, letting a waiting car into your lane, eye smiles…even small things can bring humans out of their fearful little world….I hope people keep seeing the good around…it’s healthier!
Joan - December 10, 2020 11:35 am
I know I am not my best self during this pandemic. I feel like I failed the challenge of pandemic. I was/am anxious and on edge and insecure and uncertain. My least favorite spot. Working on a better attitude. Part of me blames poor leadership thru this and the other part of me owns it. Your rock. Your thread of hope is not lost on me. Keep it coming.
Jane Stovall Yearwood - December 10, 2020 11:36 am
Love this, I look forward to your column early each morning.. Some people have snapped in the pandemic bot I hope the majority are not mean. Meanness can be contagious.
Virginia - December 10, 2020 11:46 am
Liked this one. Good job.
Marisa Stewart - December 10, 2020 12:02 pm
I believe everyone needs more kindness and grace in their lives. We should all start with ourselves. Isn’t there a saying that what goes around comes around? Here’s for sending out only good vibes!!
Patricia Schmaltz - December 10, 2020 12:42 pm
Well, I love reading your thoughts.. every day.
Marianna Parker - December 10, 2020 1:19 pm
Amen, Sean! Thanks for your daily doses of sense and hope.
Ginger - December 10, 2020 1:25 pm
Some people are just in big De Nile.
Kjl - December 10, 2020 1:44 pm
Our usually cheerful checked at the grocery store seemed a little down. I asked if she was okay. She said people are getting really mean and dumping on her if the store is out of something. I told her to hang in there and keep smiling. It is important to keep encouraging the nice ones! Thankful for lairs like you!!!!!!!
Linda Tollison - December 10, 2020 1:50 pm
God bless the young cornet player, and the people who lifted him on their shoulders with their applause. As far as the meanness in this world today, it makes me sad. SO.SAD. So, I am doing my best to take care of the only part of this situation that I can do anything about……Me……It starts with me. And, MY heart. I try every day to take a lesson from Michael Jackson and start with the woman in the mirror. Merry Christmas.
Mariette VandenMunckhof-Vedder - December 10, 2020 1:52 pm
Dearest Sean,
Glad you witnessed at the Crescent City how a nervous young boy was handed the confidence to feel at ease and thus perform a lot better! We all have to consider that throughout life.
Hugs,
Mariette
Jan - December 10, 2020 1:53 pm
Amen! Great story and a great attitude. Focus on the good and the beautiful. It is still there, just a little harder to see in the midst of the the angry and mean. Sometimes you have to look for it, like looking for the four leafed clover in the midst of a clover patch. Try to believe there is something good just around the corner and keep walking that way!
Molly Mitchell - December 10, 2020 1:59 pm
I’ve been called worse than a lair in recent months so I hear ya. It certainly does stick with you like a punch in the mouth.
Here’s to being pervasively, persuasively, and persistently nice.
Goodness is still out there, Sean. Keep writing about it!
Suzanne Moore - December 10, 2020 2:12 pm
The meanies are really out there, no doubt! But there are also many bright lights shining out there, encouraging those like you who are working hard to keep us afloat. I celebrate those encourages, and I hope we are attuned to hearing and feeling what they are sending our way. Love to you and your family, Sean…
Magoo Hamilton - December 10, 2020 2:14 pm
I think this may well be your best yet!!! And you’re no lair!!!😉
NancyB. - December 10, 2020 2:15 pm
A lesson my mom wanted me to learn when I was in school dealing with some ‘mean girls” — “Your attitude is your choice. You can blame your teachers, friends, family, even those mean girls who don’t seem to like you very much. But how you react is your choice. How you allow them to effect your attitude is your choice. Choose to be the kind, compassionate girl your Grandma would be proud of.” Now my Grandma was in the top two of my favorite people in the world. It wasn’t always easy. Many times I failed and made the wrong choice–still do. But Mom was right. My attitude was then and is now my choice. Fifty years later I still her saying “Are you going to let ****** make that choice for you? Choose to be kind.” Nineteen in Baton Rouge, it is not easy. In fact, it may the hardest work you ever do, but don’t let the mean ones make that choice for you. Choose to be happy. Choose to be kind. For every mean, ugly person you’ll meet, there are hundreds of nice ones. You simply have to look for and want to see them.
Christine - December 10, 2020 2:18 pm
Thank you Sean for this letter to the 19 year old who is feeling down. Friends can be mean and it hurts.
Dear Lord, help us not to be a lair and deciever. Help us to be kind, truthful and always stand up for the underdog and cheer them on.
Merry Christmas to you and Jamie. Love and many blessings in this beautiful season of the year.
Connie - December 10, 2020 2:29 pm
Mean people are everywhere. But so are good people. They are just harder to see. It’s hard to move past someone hurting your feelings, whether you’re 19 or 60, but hang on to the good people in your lives. They are the ones who get us through every day. My mom was not always a fountain of wisdom, but she taught me early to treat people how I want to be treated. I try to do that every day. Smile when you don’t feel like it; encourage others, even if you feel like quitting; give love to the ones in your life who need it. Be nice. It doesn’t cost a dime to be nice and a genuine smile goes a long way. Not only will the people around you smile, it really will help heal your heart. Love and hugs to all from an old south Alabama grandma.
Mary Guenther - December 10, 2020 2:30 pm
Thank you again and again for your positive letters. I do not recognize this country anymore. So much hatred, so much greed, so much dishonesty and so many lies! You keep me from despair so I thank you once again.
Lance Yeates - December 10, 2020 2:34 pm
Thanks for your post today Sean. I needed to hear that.
elizabethroosje - December 10, 2020 2:47 pm
As per my usual, I was excited to see what you wrote for us today! You have so many friends, you are a blessed man! of course you knew that, you have Jamie and that says a lot from all I can clearly see! So, that’s terrible about your friend “Matt” … that must have been so disheartening to him. I hope his Mom is better; sounds like he was really scared, that’s so hard and then to have people (who clearly are on the ‘covid as a threat must be lies” camp from what I can gather) being mean to him. Man that’s well, awful. I hope Matt knows that many would have cared and prayed for him. And he should have been brought food. ! Sean, your story about that young boy having the courage to ask if he could play with these amazing jazz players, that was what my sister-in-law calls a ‘two klennex’ event, you know the I’m not crying, your crying type. And I relate to this boy (ok don’t know if I have his courage and I don’t play musical instruments) but in that if people believe in me, I do even better than before. If people don’t, it’s like I drown a little bit. I remember half my life ago when I was a teen, I went to get autographs from a group of 3 singers who I admired at the time, to me they were the tops. One of them was stuck in his head and not really engaging at all, the other was paying attention to older prettier girls (I was in my earlier teens I think back then) but the other one, with his kind deep brown eyes, he looked me in the eyes, asked my name, talked to me. Was really super kind and made me feel, well, loved. Like I mattered. And I remembered him and when I would get really down in the dumps, I would look at the poster of them and remember the one who was kind to me and feel better. It really made a huge difference in my then lonely teenage years. So yeah, kindness, it’s real, it matters and it really comes through when one needs it, even the memory of it. God bless you Sean. I always feel kindness in your words and that you care for your readers, including the young. You are are now blessing them like that kind man back in the early 1990s blessed me! 🙂
Susan - December 10, 2020 3:00 pm
Found your blog about a month ago. I look forward to reading it in the mornings. It’s been one of those “found” blessings of the pandemic! Thank you!
Chasity Davis Ritter - December 10, 2020 3:04 pm
People are being meaner and acting out it’s just pure frustration. The pandemic the election year. But we’re only liars till it happens to them or someone they love. I had a coworker whose wife died this week. It’s sad it’s hard and it’s frustrating yes. I hated not being with my family and grandkids this thanksgiving. First one I had off in 12 years and it was just me and my husband and daughter at home. Food was good though. My daughter in law sent me some pictures of the grandkids playing and my youngest falling asleep at the table. I just got a message from my brother that Christmas at his house (our tradition) is cancelled. Taking no chances with our families health. Time to regroup and make new plans again. But yea there are still good things too. People recovering. One day our country and world will recover too. We just gotta hang in there. Do our part. BE EXTRA KIND when we can And I’m gonna keep reading your blog and praying. It gets me through the day.
Lu - December 10, 2020 3:12 pm
Truth.
Patricia Gibson - December 10, 2020 3:15 pm
So true Sean, there is so much divisiveness and lack or respect for the opinions of others. Very sad but appreciate your optimism and I try really hard to focus on the good in people ❤️❤️
creativedolan - December 10, 2020 3:15 pm
I needed to read this today! So much meanness out there on both sides. But goodness and kindness will always overcome hate. It always has.
Kathy - December 10, 2020 3:22 pm
Hope you keep playing your song. Love.
marilynbarnard - December 10, 2020 3:51 pm
Think Teacher: Think 3rd Grade: Think Reading Groups – High, Medium, Low, and Chole (yes, that’s spelled correctly). She couldn’t read, “I saw the cat.” without stumbling over three of those words. Out of frustration for the teacher having 4 groups, she moved Chole into the group of other low readers – and miraculously, she began to read. Eventually, she moved up in the other groups.
Think Years Later: Teacher visits with Chole at graduation and questions why she suddenly started reading. She said, “You believed in me enough to move me up into the next group, and I didn’t want to disappoint you, so I tried harder.”
Yeah. We won’t talk about how frustration morphed into success!
Emily Williams - December 10, 2020 4:15 pm
I love this. Timely for me for sure. I have been wondering lately why people hate the truth so much. It makes them uncomfortable, it makes them have to grow and for some it’s easier just to stay put. Thank you for your insight and bringing a smile and some peace to my heart.❤️
Phil (Brown Marlin) - December 10, 2020 5:03 pm
My great Aunt Lilla had some of those ‘lairs.” As a child I loved to get the eggs out of their nests when I would go to visit her on the farm. That’s about all they were good for – laying eggs; and maybe for frying at Sunday dinner.
Yes, it’s hard to ignore angry people who attack you for no apparent reason. You handle it so well, Sean, and you are right – there is much, much good around us that we can focus on. I was ringing a Salvation Army bell a few days ago, and a lady who did not look wealthy by any means walked up and stuffed a twenty into the kettle, then turned to me and said, “God is good! Merry Christmas!” Little gestures of kindness like that make my heart sing. Keep blogging the positives.
William R Thompson - December 10, 2020 5:15 pm
Dawn - December 10, 2020 5:16 pm
This hits a nerve so much. The anger & accusations this year have festered and have affected someone I love dearly. She will not talk to me because I voted for the “wrong” person. I normally would just laugh this off, but I have been trying to “talk” this out with her by text (since she won’t answer my calls). This has been going on since summer and it hurts my heart to the core to tell you it’s my own daughter. I am looking forward to the end of the virus, masks, quarantinig, elections, and anxiety! Hopefully we will have some form of normalcy back. Thankfully, she is the only one giving me grief, and I rejoice in each new beautiful day, the food on my plate, the roof over my head, and being loved unconditionally.
Linda Moon - December 10, 2020 5:27 pm
My everyday heroes at the Medical Clinic were not mean yesterday. They never are…..in spite of being rushed, stressed , and overloaded. You, Sean of the South, will never receive an ugly email from me. If you remove your blog website (God forbid!) I’ll send you my mailing address for my actual brick-and-mortar mailbox and we can be Pen-Pals. After my exhausting day yesterday, I needed some nice TV-watching. I was scrolling for the VERY LITTLE of nice TV when I found Andreas Bocelli singing! And, when he was done, I scrolled again and saw Sean of the South in a TV commercial! I loved Bocelli’s songs, and I believed Sean Dietrich’s TV promotion about heroes!
Cassie Levy - December 10, 2020 5:27 pm
Sean, I was waiting for this column after the one about the vaccine. Atta Boy!
Ernie Kelly - December 10, 2020 5:33 pm
Thanks for confirming that some of my favorite people are “lairs.” While my cornet playing days are far behind me, I could relate to that kid. I work at a company that has made me feel like the best cornet player since … well … you saw that band in New Orleans. But I could be exaggerating. I’m a pretty good lair.
Roxanne - December 10, 2020 5:35 pm
Oh!!!! I’ve always WANTED a lair. . .not a red-haired singer/writer with a wife who makes angelic pound cake. . .but more a cottagey lair in which I can write and nap and listen to James Taylor. And here I had the wrong idea the entire time.
Alas, people need to just be sweet, as my Momma would say. I saw a suggested video yesterday of a bunch of dudes running down the side of a ditch to help firemen carry hoses across a road. (One person commented that they would have gotten fined in his city for helping.) Then today I saw a video of a Dad at a basketball game where the sound system freaked out and wouldn’t play the National Anthem. At his wife’s behest, he belted out The Star Spangled Banner in such a way that I STILL have goosebumps just thinking about it. . .and he gave Jon Bon Jovi and Chris Daughtry a run for their money as well. (One person noted that Dad didn’t have his mask on, and they hoped it was pre-Covid.)
Comments. Maybe we need to just stay out of them. Or not read them. Or better yet, as Momma (and Thumper) would also say, “If you can’t say sumpin’ nice. Don’t say nuffin’ at all.” And be sweet.
1 man in Reeltown - December 10, 2020 5:58 pm
My advice to those in similar situations has often been “don’t let the bastards win.” I think that’s the essence of many responses here, and yours too. Don’t let ’em steal your joy.
Bill - December 10, 2020 6:02 pm
Great story and lesson. Too often we see only the bad things in life, and this pandemic is pretty bad. But, I believe there is more good than bad. When I stop believing that, I’m done. But God is not done with me yet, so I’m
not done yet, not by a long shot. God’s blessings to all.
gunteacher - December 10, 2020 7:31 pm
Sean. I think people are scared of this pandemic but are afraid to admit it. They are like dray horses with blinders on and either can not or refuse to see the positive things people around them are doing, and I feel sorry for them. You on the other hand present a positive outlook toward people without blinders, and THAT is a positive thing. Keep up the good work. If the naysayers read this, I too shall garner grief from them. Keep up the good and inspirational writing.
Anne Byrnes - December 10, 2020 7:41 pm
you are wonderful! Keep up the good work…
bdwoutboard - December 10, 2020 9:04 pm
Actually, I think you are pretty terrific and insanely articulate and thoughtful.
Admittedly, every time I try to subscribe to get your posts in my inbox, I get this: “There was an error when subscribing. Please try again.” I’ve tried every day for two months. (My sister has to forward your columns to me.)
But you are an even and sane voice in a crazy world so my sister and I thank you! Happy holidays (all of them!!)
Linda Broyles - December 10, 2020 9:05 pm
Another wonderful column! Thanks so much❤
MAM - December 10, 2020 9:08 pm
Awesome one! Thank, Sean!
Norm - December 10, 2020 9:13 pm
Sean, thanks for the uplifting columns. I don’t know how you manage to turn out as many as you do and keep them so inspiring and heartwarming.
Jessica - December 10, 2020 10:27 pm
Sean, you’re the Boss! Thanks for the sanity.
meg widmer - December 10, 2020 10:53 pm
I think I live in a ‘pocket of kindness and good deeds’ and I thought I should assure people out there that there ARE some very thoughtful, kind people of all ages. I live about 30 miles from a major city but you would think we were out in ‘the sticks’ someplace, isolated from the hustle/bustle of big city life and high crime and nasty needs. I hope by sending this I don’t put some kind of jinx on nirvana. BUT it can happen and it happens when one person does a kind, unexpected thing and then another and another…well you get the pattern there. It can happen…it should happen, and I wholeheartedly hope/pray it does. Come on people…we’re better than pettiness or ‘small potatoes’ as my father used to say. I believe that we have a walk in the part compared to most countries around the world. Thank you for the opportunity to voice my belief in my country and the people who share pleasant days with me.
Nana - December 11, 2020 3:52 am
People are meaner now and it’s not because of the stress of COVID. They are just vile and they have public forums to express their opinions. But don’t listen to the lairs! Unfriend, unfollow, delete, zap! Don’t let them steal your joy! Protect your heart! ❤️
Steve Winfield (Lifer) - December 11, 2020 6:17 am
I’m just a nice person. Period. I’m not gonna let this “flu” or anything else change that about me.
I kinda think you’re the same way.
So far, the only change I’ve really noticed is drivers. I’d say they’re a bit more rude & rushed lately. (Funny that I even notice since I work in B’ham.)
I don’t deal with that much public though. Qwik Marts, Lowes, Sherwin Williams, Dollar General & Sav A Lot. That’s about it for me. I generally work on empty rental houses so it’s real easy for me to steer clear of folks. Be them rude, nice, infected, whatever. If someone asks for $1 or “change” I usually give them a “5”. I just love seeing that smile. I’m always good for a Happy Meal or BBQ plate for those that are hungry.
I ain’t patting my own back. I’m just nice. I was raised nice by nice people & I’m not about to let anything change that about me. I bet most your readers are too. We nice folks tend to stick together.
We all love your optimism Sean. We all look forward to that dose of “nice” you dole out every day.
Here’s a big sqweezy back cracking virtual hug for you & Jamie. Bet y’all can really use it.
Melanie - December 11, 2020 11:56 am
Lordamercy yes. To add a little festive note to an online meeting the other day, the host (a really nice person) lightheartedly briefly jingled some sleigh bells. It was cute and no doubt brought a smile to many faces. Minutes later an anonymous complaint from someone speaking on behalf of “those of us who do not celebrate the winter holidays”. Asked to be excluded from future meetings if such references or sleigh bell ringing would be conducted. I am not making this up. How sad that someone can not appreciate an innocent and well-meaning attempt to brighten someone’s day. People are miserable. Some are always this way. Some are desperate. Some are frightened. However…this too shall pass.
Sarah Dyess - December 11, 2020 3:09 pm
Applause! ~~ Just what I needed to hear. We are all struggling to some degree. Yesterday morning I shared a post on Facebook about being grateful, even with all that’s going on (something positive). But last evening I posted a story about the one-day deaths from this virus (labeled “feeling sad”). All we can do is look for the good, be kind, and try to encourage others ~ not tear them down! Thanks for the reminder.
Dave Dail - December 12, 2020 1:50 am
Beautiful story and advice I believe we all needed that during this season. Merry Christmas!
MARTHA E HERCHAK - December 13, 2020 3:43 am
I am so grateful that you have reminded us to be our best selves by being kind, courteous, and simply human to others. We’ll never be ashamed of these traits. Thank you again!
johnallenberry - December 14, 2020 6:46 pm
Don’t let the Lairs get you down. With the stimulus package still stalled out, the lairs will be empty in no time at all. Then there’ll just be empty lairs