No Phone, No Service, No Problem

A lot of important news has happened this Memorial Day weekend. A fraudulent company tried to foreclose on Elvis Presley’s Graceland home; tornadoes ripped across the West South Central U.S., leaving thousands without power; and the Indy 500 was delayed because of violent weather.

But instead, I’d like to talk about how I’ve been without a phone.

I feel guilty talking about my phoneless state while many Americans are suffering storm-related catastrophes. But something changed my mind on TV.

When I turned on the news, the first image I was confronted with was an eerie photo from the tornado aftermath. The image showed a Texas man sitting among rubble, and he was checking his phone.

“We check our phones 400 times per day,” said one researcher I talked to.

His name is Daryl, he attends the University of Alabama, and has been studying the ravaging effects of phones on human memory.

“Phones are making our memories worse.”

His name is Daryl, he attends the University of Alabama, and has been studying the ravaging effects of phones on human memory.

“The worse our memory gets,” says Daryl, “the more we use the phone. The more we use, the worse our memory gets.

For years, research has been showing how phones affect the brain. Elizabeth Dunn and Ryan Dwyer, doctoral researchers from the University of British Columbia, have noticed a trend.

“You see people in restaurants… sitting across the table from each other, and instead of staring at each other, they’re staring at their phones. We were really curious: Is it having an impact on people…?”

The short answer is: Wait, what were we talking about again?

Oh, yes. Phones.

If you’ve been reading this column then, frankly, I’m surprised. But some of you might remember that I recently ruined my phone by jumping into the lake with my phone in my pocket.

My phone, which was an iPhone 13, was supposedly “water resistant,” and “capable of submersion for up to 30 minutes.” My phone crapped out after a mere 12 seconds of water exposure.

I tried all the remedies. I placed my phone in a bowl of rice. I put my phone in the oven on low heat. I added mushrooms and beef consumé to prepare a delicious iPhone casserole. But nothing worked.

So I talked to my phone provider. The guy at the phone store was named Alvin. On Alvin’s forearm was a tattoo of a dolphin with human legs and buttocks.

I asked Alvin what to do about my phone. Whereupon he looked up from his own phone and helpfully said, “I didn’t see you walk in.”

It turns out that even though I pay for expensive phone insurance my plan doesn’t cover replacements. Which means that I have to buy a new phone, which costs roughly the same price as a four-bedroom beach condo.

Either that, or I can purchase a flip phone. I actually looked at flip phones. They weren’t so bad. One flip phone even had an emergency feature geared toward the elderly, wherein if you fall and—say—break your hip, you can press a button and you will have a flashlight.

So going phoneless has been disorienting to say the least. But there have been some unexpected benefits too.

Namely, I have been less stressed. Probably because I haven’t sent or received text messages in nearly a week. Also, I haven’t checked social media, scrolled TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook. And as a result, I have unspeakable peace inside.

“Yes,” said my friend Daryl. “Tranquility is one of the researched benefits of going phoneless.”

Daryl attends the University of Alabama, and has been studying the ravaging effects of phones on human memory.

9 comments

  1. dvb - May 26, 2024 10:30 pm

    I have an “old” fashion flip phone, but it doesn’t have a flashlight. I only check it when it beeps or at bed time to see if it needs charging. Everyone else I know has a ‘smart’ phone and they stare at it constantly. The first phone I ever used was on a party line. “Daryl attends the University of Alabama, and has been studying the ravaging effects of phones on human memory.”

    Reply
  2. Diana - May 27, 2024 11:08 am

    I was going to respond to this, but then I couldn’t remember what it was about. However, I read you every morning on my phone.

    Reply
  3. stephenpe - May 27, 2024 12:43 pm

    Reading this story it reminded me to chck my phone, I had just asked a question of a friend about bee martins……weird. My flip phone was great but this one can do everything…………and frustrates me.

    Reply
  4. PAUL Sams - May 27, 2024 1:09 pm

    I can remember the days of a phone with a dial on it, and a very short cord on it. I have a “smart phone” now, and no land line. I f I need technical assistance, I ask one of my grandchildren, or any young child nearby. I used to be fascinated that I could get a phone call anywhere. Now, I get irritated that I can’t get away from !#!!!# phone calls. Being a man, I like the phone giving directions. I mean come on, everybody knows that men WILL NOT ask for directions. That could be why Moses wandered in the desert for so long.

    Reply
    • Tim N - May 27, 2024 8:13 pm

      Moses would also have had the advantage of not getting his phone wet when he jumped in a lake…

      Reply
  5. Diannna - May 27, 2024 2:30 pm

    Sean: Check out Julio Vincent Gambuto’s Please Unsubscribe, Thanks!: How to take back our time, attention, and purpose in a world designed to bury us in bullshit–just finished it and then my minister’s minister’s sermon yesterday was on removing yourself from relationships that are not good for you. (I’m glad my phone stays at home wired to the wall. I don’t lose it and I don’t need to check it many times during the day.–People can leave a message and I can call them back.)
    Thanks for your columns,
    Dianna

    Reply
  6. CherylW. - May 27, 2024 5:44 pm

    I grew up with a dial wall phone, encyclopedias in the library, and we did not have a tv (with 4 channels) until I was seven and I was my dad’s remote control. The program choices were whatever my dad wanted. I also spent my days on my bike until the streetlights went on. I was blessed indeed.

    Reply
  7. ghostsniper - May 28, 2024 12:57 am

    I have a Samsung droid right over there on the charger…er wait a minute. It’s not there. Must still be in my truck, from when I drove it last week. At least I hope that’s where it’s at. I’ll go look tomorrow, if I can remember it.

    Reply
  8. Vince - June 1, 2024 4:19 am

    400 times a day? Wow. Guess I’m underachieving and don’t care to ‘fix’ that. This is why I insist that when more than one of the family is at the table, phones get put aside. Was in Jersey recently and noted that at every red light as soon as people stopped out came the phones. Really unbelievable! Just unbelievable how people have allowed these things to take over their lives.

    Reply

Leave a Comment