Nothing Good On

The only thing worse than some fool talking about the Good Old Days, is some idiot talking about how bad things are nowadays. Gag me. Unless you’re sitting in a barbershop, smoking cigars with the fellas, no one wants to hear this kind of talk.

It’s a good thing I don’t frequent barbershops, so I won’t talk about those things. Instead, I’m going to scroll through the television stations.

Let’s┬ástart with the movie channels.

HBO: teenage vampires with snazzy hairdos, chopping the heads off monsters with shotguns. Body-parts flying. Just what I wanted to see before breakfast.

Next channel: a man and a woman screaming so much profanity, it sounds like they’re speaking German.

Flip, flip.

Cinemax: two naked people, (ahem) reading the Bible together.

Discovery Channel: naked people in the woods.

MTV: naked people on the beach.

PGA Channel: naked people on a golf course. They look chilly.

And now that we’ve seen the sexual endeavors of the free world, we’ve arrived at the cable news channels.

The first thing you should know, is that today’s news programs are much different than yesteryear’s. Long ago, Walter Cronkite delivered the headlines like someone’s grandaddy reading the Sunday paper in a barbershop. Now, we have fellas screaming about politics until the veins in their foreheads pop out.

Flip, flip, flip.

Monster trucks.


More naked folks.

Hair Club For Men.

Wait a minute. Here’s the Andy Griffith Show.

I’ve seen this episode. Andy’s busy teaching Opie how to stand up to a bully. I won’t bore you with a play by play, but let’s just say there’s lots of outdated nonsense about being nice, doing unto others, blah blah blah. Where’s the sex?

The truth is, I’d like to know where television went wrong. When did bare nipples became more entertaining than Barney Fife?

The world is flipping on its side as we speak. Nothing but blood, sex, and politics. Rocky and Bullwinkle are dead, and the Beaver is looking a little less pink every day. If it’s not mass-murders on HBO, it’s on CNN. You want nudity? Try Cartoon Network.

“Gee, Paw,” Opie says, hugging Andy’s neck. “I sure do love you a whole lot.”

Well, someone better tell that boy to hush his little mouth. This is the 21st century. You can’t talk that way on television.

Maybe it’s time I visited my local barbershop.

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