DEAR SEAN:
I’m scared with the pandemic because I just thought the virus was about to be getting over and now I don’t know if it is. My mom said I can write to you.
Thank you for your time,
NINE-YEARS-OLD-IN-FORT-WORTH
DEAR FORT-WORTH:
For me to effectively reply to your letter, we must first travel into the future. You and me. So let’s step into my time machine, shall we? Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re back in time for Mom’s meatloaf tonight.
Man, I love meatloaf.
Watch your step. Hands inside the vehicle. No flash photography. Seatbelts, please—click it or ticket, sister.
I am going to set my time-travel dial for, oh, let’s say 65 years into the future. An era when cars fly and everyone wears ridiculous hairstyles. Such as, for example, the mullet. Which is making a comeback. Yesterday, I saw a kid sporting a mullet-cut like I haven’t seen since Night Ranger was still on tour.
Ready? Here we go.
T minus ten, nine, eight…
Liftoff.
ZIP! FLASH! ZOOM!
Okay. I apologize. Those were lame time-travel special effects, nothing like the
movies. Sadly, this column doesn’t have the budget for special effects because this column still has a mortgage to pay.
Anyway, here we are in the future. Let’s take a look around. Pretty wild isn’t it? This future world? Look at all the odd fashions and bizarre packaged foods. Hey, is that Mick Jagger?
Never mind. Because listen up, I want to ask you an important question: what is the first thing you notice about the future?
Yep. That’s right. There is one.
Also, Fort Worth, Texas, is still here. Your hometown did not explode, the solar system still works, and the human race is still alive and battling high cholesterol.
Good. Now what else do you notice?
Correct again. Starbucks now charges $2,183.99 for a small coffee. Nothing new there.
Okay, now let’s…