“Dear Sean,” the notecard began. It was postmarked from Texas. The handwriting was very neat.
“I’m 12 years old… And I know your really buzzy… But my mom committed suicide and my dad doesn’t live with me because he does drugs and now I dont have any one but my foster mom… I’m super embarased about who I am and stuff. Maybe we can be pin pals. Love, Susan.”
DEAREST PEN PAL:
Hello. My name is Sean. I live in Birmingham, Alabama. I am red haired and very plain looking. I rarely clean up after myself. I talk too much. I like Werther’s Originals, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Chili Cheese Fritos, barbecue, and Elvis Presley.
A little about me. I was 11 years old when my dad shot himself. My father did the horrible deed in his brother’s garage. And my family completely fell apart.
After that, I grew up pretty poor. I wore clothes from goodwill. My mother worked in fast food. I thought I was a loser. And still do.
But do you know the worst part about losing my dad, Susan? The worst part was the fear. I was always frightened. And it never left me. I am still afraid of the dark. Loud noises scare me. Fireworks especially.
Nobody tells you that grief feels a lot like fear.
Also, I was always embarrassed. I lived beneath the heavy fog of embarrassment. It was my go-to emotion. Again, I can’t explain this. So I won’t even try.
I’ll never forget when I was 13, when a popular girl named Amber invited me to her pool party. I had never been to a pool party before. I wasn’t sure why she invited me.
My father was freshly dead, and I had no friends. So my mother encouraged me to go.
I was a chubby boy. I was so embarrassed about being fat that I wore my T-shirt into the pool that day because I didn’t want anyone to see my little belly.
During the party, while everyone was eating pizza, Amber was wading beside me, and at some point she looked at me, and in front of everyone, she asked in a loud voice, “Why’d your dad shoot himself?”
All at once, I suddenly realized exactly why I had been invited to this party. Because I was the town joke. No. I was worse than a joke. I was that tragic orphan who everyone’s parents forced you to invite to your party because I was a glorified charity case.
I started to cry. In front of Amber. In front of everyone. I was so embarrassed that I leapt out of the water quickly, my wet T-shirt clinging to my fat little tummy.
And do you know what happened next? Well, I’ll tell you. I leapt out of the water so quickly that my swim trunks fell down.
Yes. That’s right. Everyone and their mother’s brother got a perfect shot of the perpetual whiteness that follows me.
I was so humiliated that I ran home. With bare feet. It was four miles. Embarrassment has been my constant companion.
But over the years, do you know what I’ve learned? I’ve learned a few things about myself, and about life.
Namely, I’ve learned that pool parties are stupid. For starters, pool parties have no real objective. You just stand around in a bunch of over-chlorinated water looking at people, shriveling up like a raisin.
Secondly, I’ve learned that it’s not a bad thing to be afraid. For only those who are afraid—and I mean really afraid—can be truly brave. The bravest people you will ever meet are those who are scared spitless.
And lastly, I have learned that embarrassment is a divine gift. It humbles you. Embarrassment brings you so low to the ground—so immeasurably near the earth—that the only direction you can look is up. And this is the only direction worth looking.
Of course we can be pen pals, Susan. In fact, it would be my great honor. Please write back soon. I’m never too buzzy for you.
65 comments
Lisa Spivey - February 18, 2023 6:56 am
Thank you for being so honest for your pen pal. Lookinh forward to seeing you in Columbus GA
PMc - February 18, 2023 6:57 am
I wish you would give us a chance to write to Susan, sounds like she could use some new friends. It would actually mean alot to me too. Thank you for your compassion for this sweet girl.
Peace and Love from Birmingham 🙏♥️
Kristina Lennon - February 18, 2023 6:58 am
❤️ me too.
Steve Winfield (lifer) - February 18, 2023 7:05 am
Amen Bubba. I’m 62 now. 5′ 3 1/2″. ALWAYS the shortest kid in class. Mom left me, my brother & dad when I was 5. Didn’t see her again til I was 18. Dad never remarried. You’re sorta preaching to the choir.
“Stevie don’t have a momma”
Those Husky britches you talk about, I could have been the poster child.
But I turned out fine. 4 yrs Navy. Taught in Tech School for 5 yrs. Have had several successful businesses. No complaints whatsoever. And you ain’t done so bad yourself.
Not sure why I needed to say all this but…
Love & blessings to you & Jamie & the dogs.
Lifer Steve.
Pubert Earle Bozemann - February 18, 2023 7:06 am
Pone, that’s a heart breaking tale from your childhood; especially with your father’s suicide, but I think it is the rare kid that doesn’t deal with some of these feelings and insecurities growing up. You may feel that everybody else is perfect and that you’re a nobody, but it isn’t true. No matter what the stresses or problems were that you had to overcome, you obviously got enough parenting from your parents and whoever else helped you that you figured it out and became the man you are today. We all have problems. Just like you’re helping this kid. You’re a Somebody! I’m not worried about where youre headed when it’s all said and done.
Your friend,
Pubert
Gail - February 18, 2023 9:18 am
Thank you Sean for the pen pal story. In fact, for all your stories but this hit home for all the people who had the childhood you don’t want to talk about. You have a God given gift to be able to see people through His eyes and tell their stories, to encourage, strengthen and bring joy to them and to your readers. Never stop, your compassion is beyond amazing♥️
David Grant - February 18, 2023 10:34 am
Keep on keeping on Sean. Your writing is needed. Ease up on yourself a tad.
Ginga Smithfield - February 18, 2023 11:10 am
Yay! Susan has a pen pal!! The best one ever!
Linda Hubbard - February 18, 2023 11:14 am
❤️💕
Alice Caltrider - February 18, 2023 12:02 pm
God bless you Sean and your pen pal Susan!
Katy@7:12 am - February 18, 2023 12:13 pm
God Bless your heart, sweet Susan 💕🙏💕
Jean - February 18, 2023 12:30 pm
Please never be too buzzy to respond to a child. With your first hand experience of a shattered life to the place you are today…you are awesome! ❤️
Steve - February 18, 2023 12:32 pm
Sean,
Enjoy your stories. As someone has already stated above most of us have had hurts in our past that all too easily come flooding back at the oddest times. I also remember someone much more eloquent than me observing that while you have a rear view mirror to see where you’ve been, the windshield is much bigger because there is so much more to see ahead.
Steve
Pubert Earle Bozemann - February 18, 2023 4:59 pm
Great point Steve!
Pubert
Dianne - February 18, 2023 12:40 pm
You are such a blessing!
mccutchen52 - February 18, 2023 1:02 pm
Texas is a big state and their people do big things. I only hope, with your guidance, she also will do Big and Great things.
Denise - February 18, 2023 1:02 pm
You are a great writer. Honest. Observant. And a kind man. Like the other comment above, we have all had childhood experiences that we wish we could erase, but maybe we are stronger and more compassionate because of them. I read your memoir and maybe your best trait is your perseverance. You don’t give up. And your sense of humor is unique, so just keep on being you.
sherry wilson - February 18, 2023 1:02 pm
ill write to her gladly if you give her my name and address. ive been hurt too.
Albert - February 18, 2023 1:16 pm
You’re a prince among men. The lesson of worthy versus deserving was purchased with scars. I am so glad to read You’re not callous. A tru living victory
steveleachman - February 18, 2023 1:47 pm
Dang Sean you made me cry. I can’t imagine the grief and embarrassment the suicide of a parent brings to their children. I read your memoir and the struggle you had trying to understand your dad’s suicide. You’ll be a great pen pal to Susan. I know you’ll help her. God bless you for all you do.
Julie Hall - February 18, 2023 1:48 pm
I was bucky beaver because of the teeth!! 5 years of orthodontics and 55 years of life and sometimes, I still hear that name in my head. Thank you Sean, for bot being to buzzy for us all.
Elizabeth LeDuc - February 18, 2023 1:50 pm
So glad she reached out to you.💗
Can’t wait to hear you speak in person tonight.
Vic Yepello - February 18, 2023 2:23 pm
This is a most amazing piece of writing Sean. Truthful and helpful and supportive towards this girl. Thank you for caring for her.
Anne Arthur - February 18, 2023 2:27 pm
Your writing is a blessing. You are a blessing. You put life’s difficult moments into the right perspective, and that’s what everyone needs to see. Thank you!
Trilby - February 18, 2023 2:33 pm
Selah
Helene Mewborn - February 18, 2023 2:41 pm
Bless you, Sean, for your reassuring reply to this young pen -pal!! Am sure it helped others who have lived through these circumstances over which they had no control.
Jean Tidwell Wilson - February 18, 2023 2:56 pm
Love your “brutal honesty”
I pray that you hear back from this child.
Roxanne Taylor - February 18, 2023 2:58 pm
Sean, my husband and I love you so much! We are just retired senior citizens doing our thing, but your blog every day is a must read for us! Meeting you in person and hearing you speak and sing is at the top of my wish list! Hoping and praying it will happen one day. If you come visit central Florida just now we have an extra bedroom AND we love dogs!!! You are a blessing to us. Remember, God doesn’t make junk!
Darlene Raughton - February 18, 2023 3:08 pm
You are awesome! You truly have a wonderful gift. Not just writing, but the gift God gave you, and people like us to overcome the circumstances that life gave us.
Suzanne Mitchell - February 18, 2023 3:17 pm
Oh Sean you are such a lovely man! You make every day brighter for so many people. What a beautiful human you are. ❤️❤️❤️
Robert Carruthers - February 18, 2023 3:19 pm
I am Bob. Sean, the school of hard knocks sucks. But it works. I am amazed at your compassion for folks like Susan. All because of the school of hard knocks growing up. Who would have thunk it?
If I ever meet you face to face I will shake your hand and pull you close for a man hug! God bless you and yours.
cajebay - February 18, 2023 3:42 pm
“Atta boy, Sean!!
Peggy M. Windham - February 18, 2023 3:52 pm
Please keep writing her! I’m glad she reached out to you!
Mim - February 18, 2023 4:02 pm
Yes, keep looking Up.
Carol Pilmer - February 18, 2023 4:04 pm
Love it! All of your life’s experiences have made you The World’s Expert In Kindness!
David Britnell - February 18, 2023 4:06 pm
Having lousy parents is better than having no parents! I pray that God will be the daddy for you and Susan and y’all will feel the love he has for you every day for the rest of your lives.
Marilyn - February 18, 2023 4:14 pm
Sean, you’re a lifeline! Never, ever pull it in!!
Ellen C - February 18, 2023 4:19 pm
God Bless you Sean. Bless you for taking the time to write Susan and for being her “friend””!
She needs you!
Don’t sell yourself short… Jamie would not have married a loser!!!
You are exceptionally kind!
Christine - February 18, 2023 4:25 pm
Oh gosh, every time I read your blog I am so overwhelmed with emotion…. that’s what great writing does! Thank you for sharing and keeping us all closer to the humanity within.
Stacey Wallace - February 18, 2023 4:45 pm
Sean, Susan is very blessed to have you as a pen pal. Praying for both of you. Love to you, Jamie, Marigold, Otis Campbell, and Thelma Lou.
Elgin Carver - February 18, 2023 5:03 pm
I assume this is real and I salute you.
Susie - February 18, 2023 6:55 pm
Doesn’t matter if it’s real or not, Elgin. We can all learn from it.thank you, Sean, for your example. .
Carolyn Geck - February 18, 2023 5:31 pm
My heart aches for every child who has ever felt unaccepted or worthless. It’s one of the most horrible thing I’ve ever witnessed.😭💔💔💔 May Almighty Good heal their souls and hurting hearts🙏🏻💞🙏🏻
Angela - February 18, 2023 5:40 pm
Of all the articles you’ve written, this is your masterpiece.
If anyone else needs a pen pal, I would bet your readers would jump at the chance! Thank you for being honest and kind. It’s an honor to share mental space with you
In Gods grace ~ Angela
Pam K. - February 18, 2023 7:35 pm
Incredibly poignant. I love this. Thanks for the profound truth. ❤️
Kamie Meng - February 18, 2023 8:09 pm
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Linda Moon - February 18, 2023 8:54 pm
I’m so glad Susan mailed you a card. I’m so glad you wrote her back. You’ve learned so much about yourself and Life, Sean. For me, pools are for swimming 45-minute laps, and there’s no time for partying while swimming. But sometimes there’s time for reflecting in the wavy blue water about Life Itself and looking Heavenward while back-stroking. Your story, Sean, could have been written about two young boys in my family. I hope Susan writes you again real soon!
Eve - February 18, 2023 9:51 pm
That has to be the sweetest and most loving pen pal reply note. Ever.
Paula Kelley - February 18, 2023 10:34 pm
Oh my Goodness….the perfect answer! I am sure your sweet new friend will find a lot of comfort from your prophetic words……
Say, did you ever consider being a columnist ?? I have always loved your column!❤️
Melissa Brown - February 19, 2023 2:01 am
Your reply to this precious girl was awesome. I pray that the Lord will help her overcome all the horrible things that have happened to her. You are so wonderful with kids !!!!
Ome - February 19, 2023 2:51 am
You are super Fantastic, thank you for being so honest & kind, children are the absolute best, & puppies too🥰
MAM - February 19, 2023 3:09 am
You have made this girl’s day. God has blessed you to help the sad and lonely, Sean, and to keep readers like me really happy that we found your work! I’m replying late in the day/evening, because my email was down most of the day. 🙁
George Robert Leach - February 19, 2023 4:19 am
You are a great pen pal. Sorry you had a tough life growing up. I still get embarrassed when I fall down. Don’t think you ever overcome actions that hurt your dignity.
All the best. Stay safe. Robert
Patricia Taylor - February 19, 2023 6:12 am
Precious! You made Susan’s day! You made our day! You are so kind and full of love for others and for animals. That says everything about you. I’m sorry you had to lose your Dad. Things that happen to us, especially when we are young, make us who we are today. We can let it get us down or we can use it for good….thanks for being an example to us all.
Bonnie Stewart - February 19, 2023 5:59 pm
Oh, Sean, you did it again. I must have over active tear makers in my eyes!
Sara Edens - February 19, 2023 6:20 pm
Sean,
You are the best! Never too buzzy for anyone. Thank you for sharing your story, your fears, your thoughts about what constitutes bravery, and how important it is to be kind and humble. I’d be a pen pal with Susan. I was adopted, but my childhood wasn’t without constant fear, guilt, and wondering why my birth mother would give me up. I know I have 3 half sisters. I’m 62 and still figuring out life. But I feel blessed to have been adopted (even though it was often contentious), I have relatively good health, and food, a bed, a roof over my head, and friends and family. I enjoy your books. You have been a light to me often. Thank you for all you do. Please say “Hello!” to Susan for me (from a friend she doesn’t know she has!)
Starr - February 20, 2023 2:24 am
I’ll say this: kids can be vicious. I’ve experienced it first hand. I think a lot of people have. We lost our Dad to suicide. We were all home. I’m not even going into that story. You always manage to send a spark/jolt straight to those places I try to keep the current away from, for my own reasons. And fear & loud noises. Yes. All my wiring is on the outside. It’s almost to much most days anymore. Hurry sundown.
Long live the King. Elvis has left the building…Thank you Sean, I think…
Derek Martin - February 20, 2023 4:50 am
God bless you, Sean. What a beautiful response. God truly is turning your pain for good in the helping of someone who needs you. God bless you.
John - February 20, 2023 4:18 pm
Wow! Tears.
God bless.
Linda Ostrow - February 20, 2023 7:46 pm
I watched my father die of a massive heart attack when I was 14. I’ve been afraid ever since.
Pubert Earle Bozemann - February 20, 2023 11:08 pm
Pone I keep reading post after post on this one. My wife and I were watching the American Idol tryouts last night and a big 18 yo guy from Hawaii got one there to a song about the loss of his dad. I wasn’t expecting too much, but he blew us away. I think mebe you and some of your readers might appreciate it:
Monsters- James Blunt
Oh, before they turn off all the lights
I won’t read you your wrongs or your rights
The time has gone
I’ll tell you goodnight, close the door
Tell you I love you once more
The time has gone
So here it is
I’m not your son, you’re not my father
We’re just two grown men saying goodbye
No need to forgive, no need to forget
I know your mistakes and you know mine
And while you’re sleeping I’ll try to make you proud
So, daddy, won’t you just close your eyes?
Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn
To chase the monsters away
Oh, well, I’ll read a story to you
Only difference is this one is true
The time has gone
I folded your clothes on the chair
I hope you sleep well, don’t be scared
The time has gone
So here it is
I’m not your son, you’re not my father
We’re just two grown men saying goodbye
No need to forgive, no need to forget
I know your mistakes and you know mine
And while you’re sleeping I’ll try to make you proud
So, daddy, won’t you just close your eyes?
Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn
To chase the monsters away
Sleep a lifetime
Yes, and breathe a last word
You can feel my hand on your own
I will be the last one
So I’ll leave a light on
Let there be no darkness, in your heart
But I’m not your son, you’re not my father
We’re just two grown men saying goodbye
No need to forgive, no need to forget
I know your mistakes and you know mine
And while you’re sleeping I’ll try to make you proud
So, daddy, won’t you just close your eyes?
Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn
To chase the monsters away
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Jimmy Hogarth / James Blunt / Amy Victoria Wadge
Monsters lyrics © Cookie Jar Music Llp, Emi Music Publishing Ltd
Your friend,
Pubert
Bill - April 9, 2023 6:48 am
Just beautiful, Sean. Would that we all had that kind of pen pal when we needed it the most. Prayers for Susan.
Susie Mitchell - May 15, 2023 8:47 pm
I especially love this one! ❣️
Renee Welton - July 26, 2023 11:49 pm
Sean, I’m so sorry to read this. All I can think is that because of the many things you’ve had to endure…you are so sensitive to others and their situations…and you try your best to show them understanding and acceptance and help them move on. I believe you are right where you were meant to be, and doing exactly as you should. God bless you, and all of those you touch with your words♥️♥️♥️
Deborah Pickett - February 7, 2024 4:19 pm
beautiful words